Bumblebee

“What are you doing?” I hear my partner ask me, startled.

I freeze for a moment, looking at her and then turning to look at the pan in my hand. “Why? Did anything happen?” I respond a bit concerned. Did I use a dirty spatula? But, it looks fine. Why does she look so stunned, then?

“Nothing, nothing. It’s just… Are you cooking breakfast?” she looks as if she’s run into a bear in the woods and doesn’t want to make any sudden moves. “By… yourself?”

I get it now. I relax my body. “Yes, I was feeling a bit better today.” I smile at her. She smiles back and I can see she’s struggling to contain her excitement. “Do you want me to make you anything?”

“No, thanks honey.” I can tell she’s still in disbelief but desperately tries to hide it. “I need to run to work, there’s an emergency” she grabs a banana from the counter, still briefly glances at the pan in my hands smirking. “Somebody fed their puppy too much ham, again.” she sighs. Leia, our own dog, barks at this moment as if expressing her disapproval.

My partner rushes to the hall and starts looking for her car keys, while balancing her bag, phone and coat with one hand. A few strands of her dark hair have escaped from her messy bun and are dangling in front of her, now flustered, face. I keep staring at her, pan still in hand. Her silky, unruly hair is almost hiding her delicate, long nose and puffy lips. I smile and she makes a celebratory air fist pump as she finally finds her keys. Even though we’ve been living together, I feel that I haven’t seen her in ages. I’ve missed her.

“You are really beautiful.” I keep smiling and she smiles back shyly, once again looking startled.

“You are really beautiful too. I haven’t seen you smiling like that for a while.” She gives me a peck on the lips. “I need to go, they’re waiting for me. Call me if you need anything.”

I hold Leia as she slips through the front door.”Have a good day at work, baby.” She winks at me before she shuts the door behind her. I stand still for a couple of seconds. When was the last time I actually looked at her? I can’t really remember. I pet Leia, who is now whining over her lost mom, and go back to cooking.

I crack the eggs and start whipping them. This would be the first handmade breakfast I’ve had in months, barring the ones my partner made me when she was off work. No wonder she looked surprised. In fact, most days I wasn’t even able to get out of bed at all before afternoon. My poor girlfriend. She has endured so much. And yet we’re still here.

After 10 minutes, I am enjoying my meal. It turned out better than I thought. Or it could be that I am finally feeling hungry again. It’s been a while since I’ve felt actual hunger, or anything other than guilt and exhaustion for that matter.

My alarm clock goes off. It’s time for my medication. I reach across the table for the bottle and take one pill with half a glass of water. I fiddle with the bottle a bit as I go back to eating my breakfast. How long has it been since I started taking them? Right, it must be about 3 weeks now. I remember. It seems like they started working right on cue, as the doctor said they would. I put down the bottle and look out the window, while taking a big bite of omelet. The weather seems really nice today. It’s been ages since I last walked out in the sun.

I finish my meal and quickly wash the dishes. “Want to go out to the park, Leia?” I turn to our dog, who is now laying down on her bed. She lifts her ears and head in anticipation, her tail wagging full of hope. “Ok, I got the message. Let’s go.”

The moment we get out of our building, I feel the scent of spring dancing around my nostrils. Even through the mask, it is so overwhelmingly nostalgic, I stand still for a second experiencing the smell. Until I hear Leia’s whining, that is.

“Sorry, sorry. We are going.” The scent continues to tease me as we walk to the park. It reminds me of my childhood, running around the freshly cut grass with my friends after school, searching for bumblebees waking up from their winter slumber.

As we approach the park, Leia starts barking erratically. I can see a black Labrador Retriever at the other side of the fence spotting us, ears and tail high up in the air. “Oh, I see. Your friend is here, huh?”

Once we get inside, the Lab comes to greet us. “Hi Hector.” I pet him as him and Leia are sniffing each other. “Long time no see buddy.” I get Leia off the lease and the two of them instantly start racing around the park. I watch them play for a bit and I notice Hector’s owners, a couple in their mid-thirties, sitting on a bench at the other side of the confinement. I wave at them and they wave back. I can’t tell for sure with their masks on, but I think they are smiling.

I see an empty bench close to where I’m standing and decide to sit down, while waiting for Leia to socialize. The scent takes over me again. The grass, the sprouting flowers, it’s all so comforting. I suddenly feel… alive again.

“…hello?”I turn around startled. A middle-aged man is waving merrily from the other side of the fence. It takes me a second to realize who he is.

“Hi, Mr K” I stand up and wave back. “Sorry, I didn’t realize someone was calling me.”

“No wonder, you cannot hear me with this thing on” he points at the mask he’s wearing. “I’d come inside to say hi to Leia, but we’re not allowed to get too close.” He shrugged and put one arm on the fence. His sparse hair looks a bit grayer than the last time I saw him. We first met him 4 years ago when Leia was just a puppy. He owns a hot dog parlour at the other end of the park, so of course our puppy took an instant liking to him. Luckily for her, he is an avid dog lover always eager to offer treats to his canine friends.

“I haven’t seen you in months. The doc was coming by with Leia every now and then. She said you were having health issues? I hope you are feeling better now. You look good!”

“Thank you.” I smile, even though I’m not sure he can see it behind my mask. “Yes, I did have some health issues, but I guess I’m feeling a bit better now.” I’m fiddling with the keychain in my pocket. It still feels odd to describe the past few months as a “health issue”. But then again that’s what it is, isn’t it? Maybe if I had admitted it earlier to myself I wouldn’t have spent the past year in bed. “Just in time, to enjoy the sun.”

“That’s good.” he nods his head. “A young lady, such as yourself, should be outside. As much as anyone can these days, of course.” he chuckles a bit pointing at his mask again.

I laugh, shrugging. “That’s true. Everyone’s struggling lately.” I see out of the corner of my eye Leia and Hector chasing a ball.

“You’re telling me.” He nods again. He has always been a chatty, energetic person. I can only imagine how lockdown has affected him.”I need to go back to my parlour, but if you have time come by on your way home and I’ll give you some treats for Leia.”

“She will definitely appreciate them.” I can already hear her excited barks. “It was nice seeing you Mr K.”

“It was nice seeing you too.” he’s already walking away, waving at me. “If I don’t see you later give my regards to the doc.”

“I’ll let her know, you said hi.” I shout as he disappears down the trail. He must be the first person I had small talk with, since last fall. All these months just the idea of talking to someone made me feel uneasy and frustrated. But now I actually feel calm.

I sit back down on the bench and lift my head up to the sky. Bright blue, with the occasional little, white cloud strolling around. Was the sky always so mesmerizing? I feel like a child seeing it for the first time. The warm sun is caressing my face and I catch myself thinking that it feel s like a warm hug. Such a contrast, compared to the fog and darkness of the last few months. I can’t help but smile. Am I feeling happy?

Leia comes and sits beside me after Hector leaves the park with his owners. “What’s the matter? Is your friend gone?” I scratch her back. She yawns widely and wags her tail weakly, exhausted from all the running. I look back up at the sky and close my eyes. The next time I look at her she is completely still, fixated on something on the side of the bench. I follow her gaze and then I see it too. A bumblebee.

“Hey, little friend” I smirk to nobody in particular. “You’re waking up now too?”

I pet Leia again, taking a deep breath.

“Welcome to spring.”