A Family Meal Restaurant Menu

Appetizers

Small Talk

This is a great way to start before the main argument of the night. Choose from a wide variety of bullshit like the weather, how the dogs or kids are doing, your favorite sports team, local news, unimportant things of all variety. If you don’t see the bullshit you’re looking for, ask your server.

Jokes

These jokes are are old classics. If they’re stale, tell your server, and they can ask Sierri for a joke or look upa Dad joke for and get ready to groan. For an extra groan, ask for a new Dad joke. It’ll even make your stomach groan.

Travel

This appetizer is a favorite. Let’s talk about where we’ve traveled. Perhaps France, Antarctica, or a local museum. We can share pictures and talk about where we’d like to go in the future. Hell is not included in this appetizer.

Media

These topics includes tv shows, internet, local plays, gossip, and news. Find out what’s going on in the world and your local community.

New(s)

What new has happened? Did anyone anyone knows have a baby, a dog, a house fire, a robbery? Did you get a new home? What grade are your kids in? How are their grades? What candidates are running? Helps prepare for the main courses.

Vocations.

How’re your jobs going? Did anyone get a promotion or a raise? Is everyone still at the same job? Laid off? Quit? Fired? Do you enjoy your work? Any inside advice to share?

Special interests

Everybody has a niche. So let’s hear what’s happening in cinema, at concerts, or in the war games online. Let’s listen to each one talk about what no one else cares about except the person talking. They’re going to talk about it some time tonight, so may as well get it out of the way now. Goes well with the joke appetizer.

Weights

Hey, looks like you’ve lost some weight. Congratulations. Who’s gained weight, who’s lost weight, how tall have the children grown? Let’s look at our numbers.

Main courses

Religion.

You’ll have hours of fun arguing about who or what God is, why we’re here on planet Earth, what the meaning of life is, why God gives innocent children cancer, whether or not Jesus died for our sins, whether or not one religion is in contradiction to another? Remember, God is dog spelled backwards. Everyone knows they’re right and knows everyone else is wrong. You’ll get to talk about fun things like evolution, Mindel, Genesis, the Pentateuch, the New Testament, the Quran, The Book of Mormon and books describing these books. Family members may even throw things at each other like water, but don’t worry it’s not holy water. But Jesus’ body and blood will be flying everywhere. Yum, yum.

Politics

Which candidate did you vote for? Are you a Republican, a Democrat, an independent? Why do we care about GLBT rights? Why do you care about abortion? Are you for the death penalty or against? This candidate is the one I voted for and you should too. You know what’s wrong with this country? You sure do. If you were president, you’d do a better job than these morons. Right. You made the right decision. Everyone else is an idiot. Let you tell me about the right way to rear a child, too. You, motherfuckers.

Guilt Trips

Remember when this relative did this You should never have done that. And I’m always the one who’s called when the shit hits the fan and what thanks do I get? None. If it wasn’t for me, you’d never have made it. You owe me everything and what thanks do I get? Nothing. You’d . . . And how come everyone else’s kids are married and have kids and are married and have kids and I don’t. You could meet someone of my religion and that would make me happy. Don’t I deserve to have grandchildren like everyone else? What’s wrong with you? You get the picture. Comes with a side punishment potatoes and Kola Karma.

Control

Who’s in charge or as the old tv show asks, “Who’s the Boss?” Who’s sitting at the head of the table? Who gets to be in charge? Who gets to act like a spoiled brat and boss everyone around and be in charge. You’d better do what the boss says or they’ll punish you later and they know what you care about and how to punish you. The one in control is between a few people and they’ll take it in the backyard and fight it out to the death.

Yelling

The main meal wouldn’t be the same without a garnish of yelling. This will make everything taste better. It’ll also raise your blood pressure and your anxiety levels. What would a meal be without some yelling. Besides, Grandpa’s deal so this will help him hear everything. Bon appetite.

Dessert

Bill

Who’s paying the bill? I can handle this. Don’t be silly, you’re our guests. Basically, who’s paying the bill, who’s paying the tip(s)? Same check. Different check? Who’s paying and who’s getting a free meal and paying next time?

Just desserts

You got just desserts. You deserved this and I’m not going to help you or bail you out. This is it. We’re going to put you somewhere where you can’t hurt us or yourself anymore and you’ll see, some day, you’ll look back on this and thank me. And if you don’t, you never will. So, this is how it is.

Fudge

You use this word instead of the word “fuck” since “fuck” is a bad word and I want you to be a good person. People who wear nice clothes, have decent jobs, and are proud members of our religion. Don’t like it? Say “Fudge you” or some other pseudonym.

I scream

Isn’t it great when we get together for family holidays like this. We don’t you and your family live so far away? Remember I’m the good old days when families lived in the same cities and we could get together every week. I miss that, don’t you? I love you. Now give me a hug.