A Reluctant Man

I’m The Real, Unexpected Man-Prophet!

The moniker is a burden. There’s no doubt about it. I know all! (I’m told it’s called ‘omniscience’.)

Whatever.

I remember when I started out, in the beginning. I was always so worried, thinking, “I can do this. Ain’t going to be that tough. What’s the problem? It’s been done before. First of all, I‘ll watch a whole bunch of movies...” (Now, this might seem simplistic, but you haven’t heard the rest of my plan. Okay? (Christ...))

SO, after awhile, I was getting jiggy on the specifics of the job, and who should walk in, but my main man, Roger. He looked me up and down and told me I should be running more often.

“Please, I said, “Exercise? At my age? And you should talk, fatty?”

Anyway, he talked me into it.

And it’s been a burden, but I'm in great shape now, no doubt about it.

But I’m sorry to say... my friend Roger (who was not a tall man, and must have weighed-in at close to four hundred pounds) ...well, he died.

And that’s too bad, it really is.

But I've since moved on.

...it‘s just... I mean, where’s the thanks? For me? I really do wish my brain didn’t know all the things I do! I didn't ask for these powers!

Right? And believe me, I have given all my efforts, and given and given and given at this point, in my old age, in my successful years (and I have never been recognized for it, frankly). I know more about every single fact than any person who’s ever lived, believe it or not! I know that may seem like a brag... but I’m... sort of special.

Like genius-level Special. I don’t ever talk about it, but there HAVE been conspiracy theories... that I may be from another planet.

OK. So. I know that sounds crazy. Right?

I mean right?

My accent, my tone, my aura might scream New York City, but ladies and gentlemen, I am neither from there, nor do I live there now, nor would I ever, now.

Anyway, I was talked into running the world, basically, and so I said “OK.”

Now I know you’re all saying at this point, “Who is this unreliable narrator? He’s speaking nonsense!” No. I tell you. Everything I’ve said is true. This is a non-fiction story guessing at the mind of me, the now and future ruler of this entire alien planet!

And I possess so much power now, that I may have killed or expelled those aliens and/or their children so I could get me a little wiggle-room! Right? We need some elbow room on this alien-infested planet! Aliens. They’re so coarse and primitive. So... let’s say I ‘exterminated them’, between you and me, we’ll, it probably would be a good thing in the long run Look, some people look down on people like Thanos who had to exterminate millions of people for the good of all!

Thanos? You don’t know who that is? Too dated a reference? Alright, he was a fake character in a very lucrative movie, decades ago! I mean we’re talking decades.

So anyways, say I did exterminate a few alien races! Read my lips: They Were Aliens.

So...

Don’t have kittens about it.

Like I said, This is a Burden! You get me? A burden, being The Real, Unexpected Man-Prophet!

...what was that song by the Stones or The Who, or what was it...?

”Pleased to meet you Won’t you guess my name?”

You could guess it. It’s... whaddayacallit? An “acronym”? ...I’m told it’s called an “acronym”... So yeah, my name is an acronym for the thing I keep referring to myself as to you stupid sonsabitches Over and over!

“The Real, Unexpected Man-Prophet!“

Just read all thise first letters as a word! That’s me! That’s an acronym. I guess. I mean, everything I’ve told you is true! You just chose to read it in a different way! In a fake way!

And that’s on you! Because you still can’t see me coming!

Anyway.

It’s 2036 now and I’ve been in power for twenty years.

Admittedly, I died three years ago and am, currently, a cryogenically-immersed-head-in-a-jar, attached to a computer which repeats all the same good words and good things I always said before, so that it can continue happening for always. And that’s a good thing. And you know it, and I know it, and everybody knows it.

How’s that song go?

“Pleased to meet you.

Hope you guess my name.

But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game.”

...that's how that song goes... Sing with me:

“Please allow me to introduce myself

I'm a man of wealth and taste.

I've been around for a long, long year

Stole many a man's soul to waste.

I watched with glee

While your kings and queens

Fought for ten decades

For the gods they made.

I shouted out

Who killed the Kennedys?

When after all

It was you and me.

Just as every cop is a criminal

And all the sinners saints

As heads is tails

Just call me Lucifer

'Cause I'm in need of some restraint

So if you meet me

Have some courtesy

Have some sympathy, and some taste

Use all your well-learned politesse

Or I'll lay your soul to waste.

Yeah that’s a good, catchy song. My people have told me it’s a song called “Sympathy” by The Who.

[Author’s note from 2036: The song which our Dear Leader references is “Sympathy for the Devil” by The Rolling Stones. We thank these musicians for their omniscient prescience. Thank you, —The Chosen One’s Royal Journalist]

Yeah, play that Who song.

It’s true. I’m a god. And it’s a burden.

So what the hell? You got no other choice. Just sing:

Pleased to meet you

Hope you guessed my name

But what's puzzling you

Is the nature of my game

Oh yeah, get on down