Can't This Be Over

Can’t This Be Over

By: Shadiah Haynes

“I’m sorry, I love you, Toni. I love you more than anyone in this world, but I can’t do this anymore.” Vic said, his voice full of sorrow as he walked past his wife of five years to the nightstand in their oversized bedroom where a pile of paperwork lay.

“Vic, what do you mean?” Toni asked as a sense of foreboding washed over her like a tidal wave. Vic said nothing as he walked towards Toni and then handed her the paperwork. The words Divorce Agreement were written boldly at the top of the page, and Vic had already filled it out.

Toni stared blankly at the agreement in front of her. She knew this was coming she just didn’t expect it to happen so soon. She had hoped that they would be able to work through their problems; however, he had thought differently. “Vic, are you serious?” She asked, overwhelmed. She had loved him since she was 11 and still loved him. She knew he still loved her, but after losing their youngest children six months earlier, the relationship changed. They both knew it wasn’t the other’s fault; however, he couldn’t get past his guilt and let her back in.

“Yes,” he said as he sat down on the floor furthest from her, his back slouched against the wall, and his head was lowered, making sure to avoid her gaze. He didn’t want the divorce either. He wanted to work out their problems so they could get back to the people they used to be, only he didn’t know how. In his eyes, it was his fault that their children were taken. If he had just stayed at the hospital, they would have been raising four children instead of two and still happy, but that all changed the moment he left her at the hospital. His job could have waited; she had just given birth after hours of contractions and four days of no sleep. She couldn’t protect them, and the hospital staff were useless. How could they allow someone to leave with not one but two children and not see them? Now, here they were, almost a year later, filing for divorce.

“I’m not signing this,” Toni stated firmly. This was a relationship she fought for, and she refused to give it up.

“Sign it,” he ordered, his voice firm and hoarse.

“No. We can still work this out, Vic. I know we can.” She said, fighting back her tears as her gaze lingered on him. Vic was over six feet tall, and when he walked into the room, he commanded attention; however, now, with his head lowered and his shoulders slouched, he looked more like a refuge that had just escaped a war.

“There is no working this out, Toni. There is no do-over. Our babies are gone. My daughter is gone, and I will never see her again,” he yelled. He didn’t mean to snap at her, he just couldn’t help it. All his life, he wanted to have a daughter with her. He already had two sons, but when he learned that she was pregnant again with twins and that one of them was a girl, he couldn’t help but go crazy buying girl stuff. He couldn’t wait to be the father of a little girl. But now that dream was gone, stolen by his stupidity.

“I know they’re gone. I know you blame yourself. But I’ve never blamed you. I will never blame you. If anything, it’s my fault,” Toni said, her voice trembling in defeat. In the beginning, she had also blamed herself, but after much counseling, she realized there was nothing she could do—still seeing him like this brought up those old feelings of regret.

Vic’s head snapped up. The last thing he wanted was her blaming herself. After all, how could a woman who had just given birth protect herself, let alone twins?

“You’re wrong. The fault lies with me. I’m their father; it’s my job to protect them and you. I failed. Therefore, I don’t deserve you,” Vic said, his guilt evident in his voice.

“Vic,” Toni said, feeling as if the whole world was crashing down around her.

“Sign the paperwork, please?” Vic asked, his voice softer than before.

Toni looked at the man she loved; her eyes were full of tears, he, however, had already returned his gaze to the floor. She then looked at the paperwork that she had almost crumbled up and said, “Okay,” as she signed it. He could hear sadness in her voice and knew she was crying. He wanted to cry, too, but couldn’t. He had decided that it would be best for her to meet someone who wouldn’t fail as he had. She deserved happiness, and it wasn’t with him, at least not until he could redeem himself.

Toni signed her name on the paper, then walked up to Vic and kneeled in front of him. On instinct, Vic lifted his head to meet her gaze. Her beautiful brown eyes were soaked in tears, and she was hurting. He wanted to throw his arms around her and tell her that he was an idiot. That he didn’t want to go through with the divorce because he loved her and couldn’t imagine his life without her—only he couldn’t. He was too mad at himself to comfort her. “I think you should go,” he stuttered as the tears he was holding back finally fell.

“I will,” she said softly. “I just wanted to remind you that I don’t blame you. It wasn’t your fault,”

“Stop it, Toni,” he said, unwilling to hear it and again looking towards the ground.

“Fine, just know that I love you. I will always love you, and if you need me, I will be there no matter what,” she assured him.

Again, his eyes met hers, and without another word, he pulled her into a deep kiss. It wasn’t lustful or anything but sweet and passionate. Holding her in his arms like that as their tongues swam around each other in perfect sync reminded him of what he would be giving up if he went through with the divorce. Then, an image of his children popped in his head, and he broke their kiss; however, his eyes never left hers as she brought her hand to his cheek. He closed his eyes as she wiped away his tears, savoring the last moments with her. When she was finished, he looked at her, and for a minute, neither spoke until his phone rang, breaking the silence. “You should go,” he said softly.

“Okay, just remember what I said. I love you, and I will always be there for you,” she reminded him. With that, she stood up and started for the door, “I’ll be back for the boys,” she called over her shoulder.

He said nothing, only sobbing as she walked out the door and out of his life.