To Feel God's Heart

“Are you there, God? It’s me…again,” Detective Jadyn Grey mumbled. She let out a deep sigh allowing her head to roll back and look up at the few stars that shone in the night sky. Just two hours before, she’d sat down at her parent’s house with a burger to watch the Saturday night game. Before she took a bite, her phone rang. Now she stood in a trailer park about an hour south of town, watching as a family mourned their dead son. This was not her call week. It had been another detective’s, but when her captain phoned asking her to take this suicide, she couldn’t say no. According to him, the on-call detective and trainee were taking care of another case at the hospital, and Jadyn followed next in line on the call list. 

Only a year as a detective under her belt, and already she was considered one of the seniors. Societal and political tensions forced a high turnover rate and threw morale down the toilet. No one wanted to be a cop anymore. 

So Jadyn found herself outside listening to the cries of strangers as CSI took photos inside the trailer. Until they finished their scene analysis, Jadyn could not enter. From what she already gathered, the deceased was a fifteen-year-old male. He’d recently started high school and seemed to be doing well. He left no note. The family found him hanging in the shower—an electrical cord wrapped around his neck. 

Jadyn looked back at the trailer running her fingers through her short hair. A new habit she picked up since chopping it all off. Part of her worried if the stress-induced habit would make her lose her hair. Which brought on more stress. A vicious cycle, really. 

The patrol supervisor, Sgt. Wolfe walked up to her while the uniformed deputy stayed near the family, keeping them out of the house. He reached out his hand, smiling at her, “Detective.” He greeted. Taking his hand, she offered a small smile of her own. Careful not to let the family see any sign of happiness on her face. “Sir,” she greeted him back. “You guys seem busy tonight.” 

He let out a large sigh rubbing his fingers against his forehead. “Ain’t that the truth. If it isn’t one thing, it’s another. Our guys are still at the hospital working on that other case. It sounds like a bad one.” 

“Yeah, I didn’t ask Sean for details. But it sounded like they would be there a good while,” Jadyn mused absently. Ben, the CSI supervisor, stepped out of the trailer as she was speaking. His eyes scanned the people outside before falling on her. With a gesture, he motioned for her to join him. Ben was a quiet, soft-spoken man of short stature. His knowledge and training in crime scene investigations ran deeper than anyone in the county, gaining him respect among those at the sheriff’s office. 

Jadyn stepped inside the trailer and took in the scene for the first time. Crosses hung on the wall in the living room. Family pictures adorned the mantel and entertainment center. In the center of the living room, Ben methodically logged information needed for evidence. “I’m done on my end. Let me know if you need anything else added.” His soft voice came out as a mumble, but Jadyn had gotten his drift. 

The boy lay in the hallway to her immediate right. His partially covered body positioned at an angle through the doorway of his bedroom. He’d been left there by EMS crews after they’d attempted CPR on him. A secondary door jutted off to the left, leading into the bathroom.

She started there, quickly spotting the cut remains of the makeshift noose still hanging from the showerhead. The other half of it lay on the floor near the toilet. Knocked over soap and shampoo bottles littered the tub, along with a pair of scissors. The bunched-up mat sat pressed up against the wall left as evidence of the family’s frantic attempts to save the boy.

Moving into the bedroom, she stepped over the young man’s body. No matter how many scenes she’d visited, no matter how many bodies she’d seen, she could never shake the feeling that they would suddenly reach out and grab her foot as she was stepping over them. Death always unnerved her. Didn’t feel natural. Like it was never intended to happen in the first place.

Posters of recent major films decorated the walls of his room. A bookcase filled with young adult novels sat on the far side of his bed, along with a nightstand. Shoes and clothes lay strewn across the floor. A cluttered desk and dresser leaned against the wall closer to the doorway. 

One look at the bedroom, and Jadyn knew why the boy was dead. To her, it was obvious. She intimately knew his struggle and walked the same path at his age. Though their outcomes differed. The voice of her captain, Sean entering the trailer broke her out of her thoughts. Stepping back over the body, she met her captain in the hallway. “He killed himself because he’s gay,” she said, skipping any greeting. Sean blinked at her surprise written across his face. The patrol supervisor behind him also looked at her, surprised. “That’s a bold statement,” Sean said. “How do you know?”

“Come here.” She said, motioning for him to follow. Positioning herself in the center of the room, she brought their attention to the posters. “I don’t get it,” her captain said. “Every teenager has movie posters.” 

Jadyn cocked a slight grin, crossed her arms, and leaned back on one leg. “You haven’t seen these movies, have you, sir?” He shook his head. “Thought so.” She continued, “They’re all female-led. Really popular right now among middle school and high school girls. You see those books over there?” She nodded to the bookcase on the other side of the bed. “Same demographic.” She uncrossed her arms and stood a little straighter. “Boys his age are making fun of these movies, not hanging their posters on their walls.” 

“All right,” he conceded, his hands held in the air in a surrender gesture. “I see your point, but that’s not concrete enough. Look around. Maybe he did leave a note, and the family just didn’t see it.” 

Jadyn moved straight to the bookcase. The bottom shelf held a lot of knick-knacks and junk. Two popular fashion magazines hid beneath the clutter. The date at the top marked them as recent editions. Jadyn more than suspected they were purposefully hidden. She pulled them out for Sean to see then thumbed through a couple of journals. Some web addresses he’d written down caught her eye. She knew them well. Back when she’d been a teenager struggling with the reality of her sexuality, she often roamed the depths of the websites looking for answers and help—someone who understood what she felt and why. 

She moved on to the nightstand pulling open its singular drawer. A small diary lay inside, along with some keys, chapstick, and phone charger. She quickly flipped through the pages of the journal. It contained one entry. A simple message, hidden between empty pages in the middle of the book. At the top of the left page sat the letter “I” with a heart symbol drawn beneath it. On the next page, a crude drawing of the male genitals. She smirked, knowing once again she’d been proven right. 

Calling Sean’s name, she passed the book to him. Looking over his shoulder, the patrol supervisor’s eyes widened. “How did you know,” Sgt. Wolfe asked. A smile with no humor slid across Jadyn’s face. “When you’ve lived this particular hell, sir, you can recognize it anywhere.”  

The detective in training arrived shortly after the diary was found. With his help, the rest of the investigation wrapped up quickly. Sean dismissed Jadyn, asking her to write a supplemental report Monday morning. 

The return to town took about an hour. Jadyn radioed dispatch along the way, informing them she was returning to off-duty status. Minutes later, her phone rang. An image of her best friend flashed on the screen. “You listening to the radio or something?” Jadyn asked as she answered. Kate, a fellow detective, joined the department five years before her. From the moment they met, she’d taken Jadyn under her wing. 

“Yes, but also no. I just talked to Sean,” Kate replied. “I wanted to check on you. I heard about the scene,” her voice growing soft. 

Jayden smirked, “Yeah, I’m totally fine. It wasn’t a big deal. I’ve worked a ton of these. One more isn’t going to make a difference.” She wasn’t lying. Jadyn had worked several suicides by this point. None of them affected her. When she joined the sheriff’s office, she’d been nervous about the gory scenes that she’d inevitably come across. To her surprise, it was easy to block it out and continue with her day. She could talk about getting burgers after the investigation while looking at a piece of someone’s brain on the wall. Sometimes it made her worry that something might be wrong with her — but only sometimes. 

“Though I will say, the whole thing was a shame,” Jadyn continued running her hand through her hair. “That could have been me, Kate. Poor kid killed himself because he’s gay. I’m tired of people condemning these kids. They should love them. Instead, all they get is hatred. I’m tired of it.” The two continued talking a bit longer, with Kate offering kind words and advice. Jadyn didn’t feel they were necessary but appreciated the effort nonetheless. After hanging up, Jadyn turned up the music on the radio and sang along the rest of the way home. 

The next morning, Jadyn woke up feeling somber. Thoughts of the boy raced through her head. She needed to clear it. A workout usually did the trick. She quickly changed her clothes and grabbed her keys as she headed out the door. She drove the familiar roads to the gym without seeing them. Her mind’s eye focused on the boy. His figure lying on the ground, lifeless. Unexpectedly emotions started well up in her. In a twisted sense, the face she saw on the body was her own. The phrase, “That was me,” cycled through her mind repeatedly. No matter how she tried to force the voice to silence, it constantly repeated itself. “That was me. That was me. That was me.” 

Tears fell down Jadyn’s face as she cried. She pulled into a parking lot halfway to the gym and threw the vehicle in park. Sobs wracked her body. Without ever speaking to the boy, she knew him. She knew his story. 

The senseless loss of his life dug deep into her soul. It felt like a hook on her heart, pulling at old hurts and wounds she’d long buried. Her tears flowed more forcibly. She needed someone. She needed help. Picking up the phone, she dialed Kate and sped off towards her house. The phone rang as she dodged in and out of traffic. When Kate finally answered, Jadyn was going well over the speed limit. “Kate, I need you,” Jadyn sobbed. 

“What happened?” Came Kate’s surprised voice. 

“I don’t know,” Jadyn replied. “I kept seeing that kid in my head, and I can’t….” Jadyn paused to cough down the lump that formed in her throat. “I can’t deal with this. I’m falling apart. I’m coming over.” 

“No.” Kate’s curt reply echoed in Jadyn’s mind. 

Anger boiled up beneath her skin. “What do you mean, no?” Her teeth clenched, trying to hold back her temper.

Kate sighed, “Jadyn, I’ve got the girls today. They can’t see you like this. You can’t come to my house.” 

“Then I’ll talk to you outside,” Jadyn yelled, her self-control slipping. Bitterness and resentment from old emotional abuse past intermixed into a growing rage. 

“No, Jadyn, you’re not com-” Jadyn hung up the phone. 

Fine. I don’t need you anyway. If that’s how you want to be. After everything I’ve done for you. Bending over backward to help you when you needed it. But the moment I need help, you bail. Cool. Got it. I’m alone. As always. The thoughts rolled through Jadyn’s mind like cold ice freezing her heart. All the times she’d been abandoned or rejected in the past rose to the surface. Bitterness tasted like a familiar cocktail. Jadyn drank it in. 

Quickly returning to her house, Jadyn sat down on her bedroom floor. This is why that kid is dead, she thought, because he felt like everyone abandoned him. Can’t say I blame him. Tears silently rolled down her cheeks. She sniffed, wiping her hand under her nose. 

“Are you there, God? It’s me, Jadyn!” She yelled to the empty room. “All alone again because of you. I’m too intense. My emotions run all over the place. People can’t handle me. This is your fault. You made me like this, right?” Her energy burned out. Riding the emotional high could only last for so long. One thing she’d learned about herself was that her emotions always crashed. She just needed to wait it out. 

She lay on the floor staring blankly at the wall. Her eyes slowly dried, and the sniffling eventually came to a stop. Quietly words began to form in her heart. She couldn’t hear them. Not audibly, but she knew them. 

“Oh, Jadyn, my beautiful Jadyn,” the words like soft rolling thunder flowed from the depths of her. “Do you know how much I love you? How you are so similar to me?” She continued to stare at the wall. Listening. Waiting. “Your beautiful heart cares so much. You feel so deeply because I feel deeply. You know my heart.” 

Lonely, silent tears sprinkled onto the carpet. “That boy was my son. I loved him so much. His pain was my pain. Thank you for loving him. For understanding him.” 

Jadyn sat up. Emotional exhaustion and emptiness weighed on her shoulders. She felt dead. “Why did you make me like this?” She whispered. 

“My precious baby girl, it’s because I love you. You are my bright morning star. I wanted to share my heart with you.” The voice paused a moment. Jadyn had the feeling it smiled. “You are my daughter.” 

She hugged her knees to her chest, laying her head against them. “I feel so alone.” She choked the sentence out like a broken lament.

Warmth flooded around her, “You’re never alone. I have always been here with you. Not a single moment has passed when I wasn’t with you. I promise to meet you wherever you are.” Jadyn leaned back against her bed, allowing her head to roll back and look at the ceiling. 

She closed her eyes, releasing a deep sigh. “I’m so tired.” 

“Then rest. Rest with me and let go of the boy. He is not yours to carry. I will do that for you.” The deep gentle voice soothed her.

Jadyn felt her mind start to drift as exhaustion finally started to take over. “God, one last question.” She mumbled, “Do you love me even though I’m gay?” 

“You are as I made you. I make no mistakes. Nothing will ever tear my love from you.” 

She muttered, “Thank you, Father,” before fading off to sleep. When she awoke an hour later, her heart felt light, refreshed, and renewed. The words, “I love you.” Echoed around her mind. Jadyn chose to believe them.