To the Person Who Broke My Heart

To the person who broke my heart,

I’m not sure what to say besides, how could you? Again and again… I loved you. I loved you so much, I loved all of you… from the lines on your face, the plaque on your teeth, the eczema on your stomach. Thinking back just makes me upset…I get so enraged and frustrated! I just wish the pain would stop… So I’ve been thinking, I’ll build a time machine.

Now to anyone reading this sounds insane, absurd. I must sound like a lunatic. I know. But this is not the mad randomlings of some sad women. This is the release of pain that was built up over the course of 5 years by a man who caused utter havoc and chaos in my life. So I want to write down my story. But, this story I’m writing to you. The person who broke my heart. You won’t ever receive this though. This is just between me and the infinity of time and space.

As I write, I want to make it clear that I built this machine not for the reason you think. You probably think this is all to get him back but it's not. I want me back. ME. So I will go back in time and stop myself from ever falling for him in the first place. I won’t. I can’t. I refuse to cry because I miss the way someone sweats…

As I was making my time machine, I stored it in my closet. It felt ridiculous to keep it there but in all honesty, where else would I put it?

In an effort to be green, save the planet and all. I decided to make the time machine eco-friendly. It runs on an electric energy-efficient power source. It also has a remote; so I can control the energy it uses. It also has a really cool light, it’s the color of the blue light from Tron.

I grabbed its remote off the counter and placed it around my neck. I made the remote into a necklace so I didn’t lose it. I turned on my hallway light and I stared at the closet door. I eventually took a deep breath and pressed the button on the remote and the blue light came seeping out of the bottom of the closet door. Upon opening the door, I felt it slide to the right; exposing the time machine. The blue light emitting from under the door filled the room. I entered the light; it felt warm and cozy on my skin. It even blinded me a bit. Then when I finally opened my eyes; I was at the beginning of us.

It was summer when we met, exactly one week after my birthday. I had just turned twenty-three. I got a tattoo of a horseshoe on my birthday for good luck cause it had been a hard year. I remember meeting you and thinking it was working. I still have it. I rubbed it with my thumb and tried to relax as I stood in a grassy open field on a hill. I rather not get super into the nitty gritty of our time together over the years. Why would I want to relieve the pain? But sometimes all I can think of is the past, I can’t help it.

I went back to my old stomping grounds and tried to figure out where I would be. I walked through my pretty city neighborhood, seeing what I used to see every day. It’s all different in the future. Everything’s changed.

I saw the deli I used to go to most days, I even passed my old college. I was still in college when we met. It took me so long but I did graduate, I wanted you by my side that day but weren’t there and you said it was my fault. I passed my old apartment and sat there. So many memories, I remember when we would meet up on this stoop to hang out and walk around, enjoying the summer air. We would talk and talk. I remember when I told you about someone who became one of the biggest rappers in the world in the future, you had no idea who they were yet. You looked so cute under the summer sky with the city lights bouncing off your skin. I wish we got to do more of that. I tried to take walks with you more like we used to before it all ended but we never got the chance. We didn’t get to do a lot of stuff, things you said we would, what I thought we would do, what I wanted us to do, everything we both wanted to do. I wanted to do it all with you. I felt flustered, my chest cramped and my eyes started to fill with tears. Before a drop could escape my eyes and roll down my cheek I escaped the stoop. I walked fast, I passed by the hibachi restaurant you told me you’d take me to but you didn’t.

I ended up by the ice cream shop we went to together one late winter night. We went to the movies high and I remember being curled up in your arms for almost 3 hours. Later, I wanted to go to Ben and Jerry’s but you insisted on this place. You used to work there and said they had the best ice cream. I don’t know why I wanted ice cream on such a cold night but you went along with it. We sat right next to each other eating, I got matcha-flavored ice cream with hot fudge. I could feel my heart fluttering just thinking of that night with you. I thought we had a great night. But you got really cold with me after, colder than the ice cream we had after that long movie. I remember I tried to fix it and say something but you just made me feel crazy.

Time went by as I reminisced about us. The day passed by and I ended up on the main street. It was almost time. I waited by where we first met, that bus stop across from the old theater. I waited around for maybe twenty minutes and then I saw myself, my old self. She looked so young and different. I can see the smile on her face…or my face, my old face. It’s indescribable. But she looked happy. I remember feeling that way.

You were so cute and I was so excited for our date. When I saw you on that dating app I immediately swiped right and we matched. You messaged me first. It felt magical when we talked on that app. You were cute and nice. We seemed to have a lot in common. I remember feeling those butterflies for the first time. I don’t get those butterflies anymore when I think about you now instead I’m just sad. I saw her sitting down at the bench, texting you. I remember you getting confused where I was at first. And we had a whole cute little moment over it. I tried to think of what to say to her, how to stop her, stop me from meeting you. I kept thinking and thinking but all the memories of us came back. Your smile, your laugh, your touch, the moments we shared, the talks we had, getting to know each other, liking each other. My favorite thing was making you laugh. Your smile would fill my heart with utter joy. Your smile felt like the center of my universe.

Then I remember the bad, the mean words exchanged, the pain you caused me, the things I said in retaliation, how we hurt each other. But what I remember the most is when you abandoned me when I needed you most. I still cry over that. I still can’t believe someone, who I loved and cared for so much, someone I would have done anything for, abandoned me…

You blamed me for your actions because you said you were “mad” at me. After you left me I would go on walks and cry. Cry not just for you hurting me for the loss of everything, but for the loss of what could have been. I wanted to matter to you, to be important. I wept and bled heavily for a while after the whole ordeal. I felt so betrayed, I still do. Of all the things that happened in our relationship, that's the thing that hurts the most. That changed my view of you and I wanted you to fix it. But you didn't, I don’t think you even cared about how much you hurt me, cause I still feel the knife in my back. I really wish I could have had the baby, as I think this I feel tears start to pour out.

Instead of letting them pour out, I snapped out of my trance. I looked back at younger me and it was too late. I messed up. I didn’t get to stop it all from happening. I saw younger you and younger me walking off. They looked so happy. I remember that very conversation we had. We really do have a lot in common. Just seeing you again, the you I met at the beginning, before you hurt me made me so happy I got distracted. I’ve missed you so much.

FUCK! I meant to stop this. I needed to. So I followed us around, just out of our sight. But it's not like we would notice, we're in our own little world that night. We really were. I saw us, talking and laughing, smoking a joint you rolled and walking close together. We even started singing. Then that’s when I realized that there was no opening. I had no way of stopping it. It was already in motion right before my eyes. I tried to think of ways to stop this, maybe starting over and coming back in the time machine. But that’s dangerous. Who knows the kind of damage I could cause if I keep going back and forth between the past and present? Even if I did though, would I even be able to? Is it my fate to love a man who will hurt me?

I left us and went around walking on my own. It was so nice out and felt warm but heavy on my chest as I accepted my fate. I settled down on a bench near a park and just sat there thinking. But then tears came over me. Despite it all, despite everything that happened, I realized I don't regret a single second I got to spend with you. I just wish we got more. But I couldn’t repeat all the pain and you clearly wanted a repeat. I realized that when I caught you in your final lie, the lie that broke the camel’s back. I really thought you wanted to grow with me, but I outgrew you and didn’t even realize it. Why did you want to repeat that year? We both said we hated that year. That year…I lost a baby and part of my soul...my soul shrank. I have to get that back. I want it to grow back. I loved you, I cared for you. You were in my heart. You were my heart. How could you hurt me so much? I began to cry harder and buried my face in my lap. I cried like a lost child at the mall who wanted their mommy. All I could think of while wailing was how could you do this to me? I didn’t want this! I wanted us to be together forever, I thought we were soulmates. And now I’m in so much pain, the pain that you caused me! And I can’t even use the stupid time machine I built to fix this! I don’t want to lose loving and caring about someone that much even if you didn’t appreciate it. I got to feel that way and you got to experience endless love even if you didn’t realize what you had. I HATE YOU FOR MAKING ME WANT TO FORGET YOU!

After what felt like hours I finally calmed down and wiped my face. I had to go. I forcefully moved my body and went deep into the back of the park. I clicked the remote around my neck and another portal opened. I took the deepest breath I’ve ever taken. The blue light blinded me again and I reentered the present. When I re-emerged into the present, I still felt sad. I felt sad but I realized that this thing between us finally has ended. I smiled.

From the heartbroken one