Put us on repeat

Before the morning sun could sweep through the basement floor windows of the shared household, to be in a mutual understanding of solitude and environment of private room and space among the other two friends of Seresa(they/them), they turn over and check the time in silence. With understanding that the background noise would be the same friends mentioned earlier who happen to have just made dinner and will soon send an offer for Seresa to swing by. But days have been a struggle, it was in fact the very end of a confusing heartbreak with the denial to let go. It was a basement room that was agreed on, less of a reason to leave a space with quick access to the bathroom and less of an excuse for small talk when it was troubling enough to leave the room as it is. Seresa feels very lonely, even by choice at this point. They never understood how easily they slip into these circumstances of falling in love and out again, almost shocked every time. It was much more difficult when they just agreed to never open up again, then met and broke off just as fast with the same person that was worth dropping for. So now, they lie in the same bed repeating songs trying to relive in their head both the real and fake parts of reality. They let their laptop play on a loop with the same depressing genre of music and lyrics that could live in their heart now . Constantly checking the phone for the "no contact but I miss you" text in hopes they have an excuse to do it all over again. With looping the same songs, occasionally Seresa would put on a special soundtrack that is still in collaboration with their former other half, Kristen (she/they). With each passing day, these songs were the only way they could find the words.

In their first meet, they stumbled into each other right outside a small coffee shop around the corner. When Kristen was on the way home after visiting friends and Seresa just leaving from a shift at Joe's Pizza Stop, that was the fateful day where two strangers briskly walking by became another beautiful surprise encounter.

And so now Seresa plays "Latte nights" added a few hours ago during their sleep, such a simple title for a long story. It replays in their head daily, from a moment of butterflies to tugging a lump in their throat. They reminisce for the first time.

"I love your boots.", Kristen quickly said, stopping to admire Seresa.

In uniform and all, it was their shoes that brought the hidden personality. They had worn their favorite black platform boots that evening home. Upon meeting Kristen, one could tell she didn't blend in with the small townspeople strolling past. Instead she wore ripped jeans with fish nets for she might be a little too cold for comfort, after all, it was up to Kristen anyways. And her matching platform boots, also the same as Seresa, in a slightly different style and color. That was enough to stop both flustered by compliments, mutual likes, and charm. Yes it was a sneak peek at her style that also drew Seresa in too. Both had drawn each other in. At that moment, they knew how beautiful she stood when Kristen had the first words.

"Oh, thank you, I'd rather be wearing what you're wearing.", smiled Seresa at Kristen, their heart could almost jump out of their throat and catch their tongue. Though pink was never their color, Kristen stood bringing life to the hot pink boots as if she had invented the color herself. How could one just carry a simple drawing presence?

The day had started to end with a night cold, and it was the cozy meet of these two that shared the chilly weather. They had exchanged numbers instantly and met up at the very same coffee shop later that week. This playlist however was made just weeks before the very end of them too. Somewhere in that stirring transition. But right now, Seresa again lies in their mind away from the moment.

"-and I still smell you in my lattes.." they sing out in long sighs.

The worst have transitioned to a painful fight with heart and mind. One can let go but if every song reminded them of her, they would rather go deaf. The thought is rather bittersweet, like the title of Seresa's favorite song right now that yearns the feeling of having to leave someone for the sacrifice of self healing. Yes, they could add the song but it wasn't a meaningless action. Sending a message so clear would indicate getting closer to closure. After all, this was all they shared last. So much music could bring them back to the first date to sweet poetic ways to swoon. And as deep as their connection lies, there was always a way to send to each other messages between the lines. Even a simple title that says "I miss you" could become the life force to their beating hearts. It was very impressive how many songs they could find to tell each other how much they admired and reminded of one another. If words weren't enough, there was a melody that could almost just be conducted themselves. They never wanted to let go of that special connection.

Even though it was never good for them, both lost lovers still hold on. How does one even end something magical? One could call it a lesson and these lovers would relive it again until they got it right.

Not much could lie in a troubling heart wanting to escape the real world, and that is what Seresa did with too much free time. However, they weren't a person to not carry strength, even if they had to be in failure a couple times and a couple times back again. Seresa tries as much as Kristen, but again the whole situation is too complicated. Loving became so natural but settled way too soon that tested who was actually ready.

"A lot of heart for it to be broken." hums Seresa now as they trace their fingers in the air pointing across the lights dimming the room.

Lost into the lyrics, then glancing at the art cover with play settings that stills across the phone screen. Scrolling down the list, one could see the rise and fall of two young, love birds. Something to say than never at all, even if it was a little too much, there is so much to pour still on each other heart's with desperate passion. And yes, it was damaging, it harmed so much it could almost paralyze them both.

"Are you calling me a best friend, Kris, after all we have?", sasses Seresa as they pat Kristen on the shoulder, smirking but ironically upset, "Guess I have to move on and cry now."

"No, you-" cries Kristen, tugging for their hands pushing up to her knees on the bed shifting as close as she can to their presence to debate that statement.

"-You, nothing!" as they pull away in a laughter, "You messed up." They push and tug Kristen into a hug, "I love too much about you to stop tho."

That always brought the heart to a sore place replaying that again. It repeats again, it repeats enough to feel real . But it won't ever be the same, to swallow the hard pill.

How do you start to describe the depth of a connection if you were to take a snapshot of time during the writing as if it was a story? The outlines are placed and adapted along the way. Slowly one learns about the characters and backgrounds to choices and outcomes. So here it is around two months in, steady dating when Kristen comes back in town. She waits for Seresa's weekends and weekdays after morning shifts just because how can you say no to someone so precious who wants to wait for you? Seresa loved how much homely their place felt, almost cozier each time Kristen comes back. Deal was Seresa picks up bagels and catch morning breakfast before work. Then, Kristen plays around in the kitchen to make dinner later that day. There was nothing that could have taken away the occasional three days a week they shared, and the fourth day guaranteed but always a fun repeat of a surprise. It was the most enduring of nights, they can lose themselves in conversation in such alluring way every time. From the first moment, the two would not stay off the other. Loads of texts to those sweet, young acts of love to talking on the phone late into the night, it had been as tho they become one life. Way before they would call it love yet, it was always known from the start when falling in. It was the art of learning to know each other and live simultaneously.

Waking up to one another, from evening sleep to end the day and morning wake the next, was always just a tad bit sweeter than the last time. There was many times of passionate love that eventually ended to falling naturally into one another into rest. The weekends meant random hours of sleep woken up throughout the night to loving back into each other. The bed was always warm, and yet they rest under the comfort of many blankets, pillows, and now plushies thanks to generous, sweet Kristen. She brought the most comfort to Seresa and always so very snug. If they could call the shots, they would have slept in more and left town often enough to never experience the now lost and longing of the missing chapters to a promised ever after.

Seresa's eyes hurt from staring at the same walls then back to the phone, repeating and looking at the same tunes. Hoping to hear both more and nothing at all for how confusing it feels to hold on. If holding on isn't what their supposed to do, neither one of them wanted to let go regardless. How does one strip away the now other part of their soul? This was their reality now, there is no coffee shop and pillow talks. The loop had now changed to recommendations, and yes at this point they knew these songs in order too. Just a factor of losing oneself thru songs. The only other person who can reach that world now is Kris. Saddening enough, that's the one person who Seresa had to separate oneself from in the first place.

"One could love the mistakes away, tell me could it be fixed?", the songs wraps around Seresa again as they tear up how much it buries in their chest, "Do it all over again."

The dreadful day had already started with a feeling of sickness to one's stomach dreading the worst case scenario. This was the exact moment where one can feel it, but no one was saying it. Their phone buzzed pushing more pressure during clock out for the night shift to end. During that time, Seresa had picked up more shifts with more available nights. It had been a week since their last date nights out of town, getting a taste of running away with your favorite person. Yet, it was somehow fading away to sorrow and suffering.

"I just don't know if I can trust you." Seresa shakily types and sends the text in a nervous fit because they knew how far in they gotten. So many promises.

In time they have truly opened up and given up the most vulnerable parts of what they haven't called love still because of the beauty in growth. Without saying it, that was always longed known.

"I am sorry I hurt you." Kristen had texted back quickly wanting to make things fine again. How it felt both like a needed hug and a slap to the face.

Resentment was just building in a way that felt almost wrong to feel. Almost guilty for being so distraught and feeling like an apology is not enough to fix. Or rather is was a matter of forgiving from a distance. No, the issue alone wouldn't fix to address anymore to mention. Instead at that moment, Seresa just wanted to go home. They just wanted to sob even just to imagine to be in Kristen's arm. Being woken up from a dream was so much to process. Deep down, Seresa could feel what this would mean for them both. After all, without trust there is just a foundation of illusions.

Scrolling down the songs, it was no longer the apology lyrics playing anymore. Instead, Seresa skips past that part and looks at where they were so hopelessly romantic.

"Brown eye wonders" added by Seresa. They are taken back still by awe, even tho having the same brown eyes, Kristen had a shine in them. And when the sun would shine in the perfect light, It would turn into a honey color. Seresa smiles again, Kristen had added the very song back because she loved Seresa's eyes the same.

"Milk and cookies" added by Kristen after they shared a whole bag of cookies as dinner one night. A storm had passed causing the streets to be unbearable to even step outside unless one wanted snow sticking to their eyes. Seresa had felt so bad to not be able to welcome Kristen with a home cooked meal but Kristen was so happy about just sharing cookies. In fact, they even made hot chocolate to add to their dinner treat. Moments like that shows how the childlike wonders come out to play in the most purest form of love. Kristen would only eat the filling if Seresa would finish the cookie. Milk mustaches only meant sweet chocolate kisses. The whole world and logic never mattered, not between Seresa and Kristen.

This was choking up Seresa, Kristen had become stronger than a love interest and also a best friend. Time would stop just so the moments can be a little longer. They put their hand to their chest, the heart was banging on the inside begging for it to stop cracking. No one could convince them that this wasn't meant to be, so to be convinced that moving on is also meant to happen was out of the question for a while. Truthfully, life can still go on and they knew that. But if Kristen needed a breath to exhale, Seresa would give their last one. Best of days meant they were better if it meant telling Kris about it, and when it was difficult, she was the same shoulder of support that never flaked. Their hands sparked with each touch, and the souls felt like falling into the perfect puzzle piece. It wasn't fair how it feels the same just with a hint of betrayal mistrust. Seresa knew they deserved better, and in ways, Kirsten too. Yet, they had hope to be perfectly imperfect together.

"Smile, baby" added by Seresa. How Kirsten had dimples when she laughed. Her laughter could make anyone smile, hearing the joke or not. There was something in how her eyes squinted that was just pure joy being shared effortlessly.

"Under the Christmas tree"added by Kristen only because she knew that was Seresa's favorite holiday and promised to be their first mistletoe kiss. Place a bow on Kris and it would prove how Santa was real to Seresa all over again.

No matter what, Kristen had placed her mark on Seresa and forever her footprint will lie. Their love had planted in deep roots only spreading over time and touching every surface it would reach. Heaven had made their match and let two angels create bliss. Leaving apart was never easy even just to head to each own's home so this level of lost was the hardest decision to make. If ever that final decision is made. Seresa knew it will only continue to be unbearable to let go while still holding Kristen's hand. No way they could drop her, it had to be soft kisses and slowly letting each finger let go one by one. In this case, note by note brought both a feeling of falling in love again in a way that felt so cruel knowing the reality of it all.

Letting it play, for the first time, Seresa couldn't name the song that went on next. Instead, they could see the pink rays of the sunset tease through the window as if begging for them to get up to see the rest. In the stuffy air, they could sit up and actually breathe. Harmony of the music felt so warm that Kristen fingers tracing thru Seresa's hair could be felt again with how safe it felt. Too soon for a story that could have been forever, there was just no going back after meeting someone to change your entire life.

"Bittersweet" stared back in the liked songs that was only personal to Seresa, the last words being "hello to a goodbye." They let the thumb hover over wanting to add it for Kirsten to hear, knowing it would be the final departure. The final finger in leaving. So much hesitation. How do you really say goodbye when you don't want to? They sing it one more time.