As Of Now

“Thank you for calling MOMBEGA. As of August 1, 2025, the Federal Student Aid guidelines have changed. Interest will now be collected as of August 10, 2025.”

“Yeah, I get it, I know. That’s why I’m calling, I -”

“Please listen closely, as our menu options have changed -”

“Really? They’ve changed since I called you twenty minutes ago? You guys must be really on your shit, ‘cause -”

“For student loan repayment options, press one. For Interest-Based Loan Forgiveness, press two. For -”

“Look, I just need to speak to a human being, please. For Chrissakes, I’ve called you three times already this morning -”

“For Settlement Options, press three. For -”

“I know, for Income-Based Loan Repayment, press four. ‘Speak to a representative.’”

“For Income-Based Loan Repayment, press four.”

“‘Speak to a representative!’”

“If you would like me to repeat these options, press five.”

“No, look - Please, is anyone listening? Anyone? Okay, fine, I’ll press four this time.”

“As of August 1, 2025, the Federal Student Aid guidelines have changed -”

“Jesus Christ.”

“Interest will now be collected as of August 10, 2025.”

“Yeah, thanks, I know, thanks.”

“Using your keypad, please input your account number or social security number.”

“Okay, okay, um… 003-56-5667… I think…”

“Using your keypad, please input the last four digits of the phone number associated with this account.”

“7341.”

“You input, ‘7341.’ Is this correct?”

“YES.”

“Thank you for calling MOMBEGA. All of our representatives are currently busy. Your estimated wait time is, ‘four hours, six minutes -’”

“No, no, no, please God -”

“Thank you for your patience.”

“Jesus Christ, I swear, I’ll never smoke another cigarette. I’ll give up drinking, I’ll call my family more often, please, just let me give this company money so I don’t default on my loan, please, for the love of God -”

“For student loan updates, please visit the MOMBEGA website at MOMBEGA.com/studentaid, where you can find the tools you need to assess and pay your student loans. Thank you for your patience.”

“I’m done. I quit. I agree, I never should’ve gone to college. I mean, what, I’m working for minimum wage at a coffee shop in Queens, forty minute commute on a good day, for what? For this? FAULKNER NEVER PREPARED ME FOR THIS. Quentin never would’ve made it this far… I’m jealous of Ophelia, I’m envious of being driven into a lake by unrequited love. My father was right… I should’ve studied Economics… I’m sorry, Dad, I’m sorry I ever doubted you. I should just move back to New Hampshire and - and open up a bakery. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll change my name and move back to Hamilton - No, I’ll move somewhere new. Montana. And open up a bakery and make croissants every day and I’ll never have to go through this again. And if the federal government finds me, I’ll pretend I don’t speak English. That I’m from Germany. ‘Guttentag, Spretzel un pretzel -’”

“For student loan updates, please visit the MOMBEGA website at MOMBEGA.com/studentaid -”

“YOU SAID THAT ALREADY.”

“Where you can find the tools you need to assess and pay your student loans -”

“I TRIED THAT, IT SENT ME HERE -”

“Thank you for your patience. Your estimated wait time is, ‘four hours, two minutes.’”

“Please. Please, just let me speak to someone. Your email said if I don’t pay my loan in full today, it will default, and I can’t - I can’t afford it on barista pay. It’s not my fault the federal government is defaulting all these loans, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do… Please…”

“To choose a plan that best fits your repayment goals, visit MOMBEGA.com/studentaid. Where you can find the tools you need to assess and pay your student loans.”

“Okay. Fine. I’ll -”

“You have been moved up in the queue.”

“YES.”

“Your estimated wait time is now, ‘one hour, forty-six minutes.’”

“Okay… Okay, an hour… two hours, really, I guess… I can do that. I can do that. Simon, you’ve got this, you’ve got this! You can watch a movie while you wait, you can - you can read a book! You’re always saying you never have time to read anymore, this is your chance. Okay, what should I read… After all, this is how you wanted to spend your one day off a week, right? Listening to a robot tell you you’ve got to wait to pay money so you don’t have to pay more money, so you can go to a job where you don’t make any money in a COUNTRY WHERE YOU CAN’T GET A JOB OR AFFORD A HOUSE OR -”

“Thank you for calling MOMBEGA. As of August 1, 2025, the Federal Student Aid guidelines have changed. Interest will now be collected as of August 10, 2025.”

“What?”

“Please listen closely, as our menu options have changed.”

“Jesus, for a second I thought it had restarted -”

“For student loan repayment options, press one -”

“No.”

“For Interest-Based Loan Forgiveness, press two.

“I SWEAR I’LL FIND YOU. I’LL FIND WHATEVER SOCKET YOU’RE PLUGGED INTO AND I’LL TEAR IT TO PIECES, I’LL URINATE ON IT, I’LL -”

“For Settlement Options, press three.”

“I’LL STUFF IT FULL OF CHEESE AND LAUGH AS YOU BLABBER -”

“For Income-Based Loan Repayment, press four.”

“I’LL FIND YOUR MAKER AND THROTTLE THEM -”

“If you would like me to repeat these options, press five.”

“I can’t, I can’t… Please, God, I’m sorry. If anyone’s listening out there, I tried. I tried, I swear to God, I tried. I did the right things, right? I loved my family, I helped out. I got good grades, I never stole or was - I was pleasant to people, as far as I’m aware… I went to school, I studied what I was passionate about. What was I supposed to do? Be more - more… I don’t know… I even tried to be creative. I wrote a play. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME? TO DESCEND? INTO THE DEPTHS OF HELL? I BELIEVED IN YOU -”

“If you would like me to repeat these options, press five.”

“I can’t, I can’t do this… It’s like my life is flashing before my eyes… Lila, I’m sorry, I miss you… I miss your laughter, I miss your smile. Why would you leave me, I didn’t - I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING. I didn’t do anything wrong… Maybe that was my problem… I didn’t take risks… I didn’t leap… You said it yourself, I - NO! I’m a good person! I loved you! What more could you want from me!”

“If you would like me to repeat these options, press five.”

“Okay, breathe. Breathe, Simon, breathe. You can do this, you’ll press five, you’ll press two this time, maybe it will lead to a person. And then, no matter how long you have to wait, you can just -”

“Due to your inactivity, you have timed out. Thank you for calling MOMBEGA. Have a nice day.”