When my mother called me last night, I never thought that the news would be so heart wrenching, but I guess finding out your dad has passed away kinda does that to a person. Me and my dad were never close. He liked books, I liked sports, he hated snakes, and I practically adored them. These were some of the reasons I would use to explain our distance from each other, but I never knew how stupid they all were until I went back home for his funeral.
As soon as I walked out of the airport the hot Florida sun shone brightly in my eyes, making me sneeze so much, you would have thought I was one of Snow Whites dwarfs. But I persisted and kept walking towards my mom’s ugly new red car. Once I got to the car I stepped in, and as soon as I did my mom asked, “Are you ok?”. She tried looking sad, but I could always see through her lies. I knew she was relieved that he was gone, because once the child support money stopped coming my mother was done with my dad. “I’m ok mom. Can you please just take me to the hotel.” I said in my annoyed voice. “Okay sweetie.” She tried looking in my eyes after she said this, but I turned my head.
The car ride wasn’t that interesting. We just sat in the car as my old Emo playlist blasted in the car, because that was way better than silence. Once we made it to the hotel I walked straight to my room, completely ignoring my mom. Then for some strange reason as soon as I stepped in the room I burst into tears. I started to realize that every on I loved was dead. My nana, my dad, my grandparents.
And even though we weren’t super close, I still chose to stay with my dad over my mom. I just couldn’t process anything, so I left. I checked straight out of the hotel called an Uber and went to the one place I have always felt safe...my best friend’s house.
She was so welcoming, and the best part is she didn’t ask about my dad. We were having such a great time hanging out and catching up on the last 5 years, until she asked THE question. “This is fun and all, but what are you doing here? You need to be at the wake”. Her eyes were so gentle yet bright when she said this, and even though I was mad I couldn’t help but hug her. She is the only person who has ever understood me and I couldn’t bare to loose that. So I agreed to let her take me, to see my dad. After a big argument over what I should wear, I was eventually pushed out of the house in a nice black suit.
When we got to the wake everyone was soaked in their tears, well, everyone except my mother. She was faking it as best as she could, but it was still extremely easy to see through. Even her dog was disgusted by her lame attempt at sadness. But like the strong woman I am I walked past her with out saying anything and went right inside the house. It was my childhood home. It triggered me, and all of a sudden when I looked around I realized that none of the people there cared about him. They were just unknown colleagues from work. Once I realized that, I lost it. I couldn’t help but scream as anxiety and memories rushed through my head. I started to throw glasses and flowers until I collapsed onto the floor in complete and utter sadness. I couldn’t hear anything outside my own thoughts, and all I kept thinking was how I wasted time. All I did was let the differences between me and my dad emotionally separate us. I just kept... keep wishing I spent more time with him figuring out what we had in common.
I have always said not to look back and that’s what I did for a while, but now I can’t help it. I keep looking back at the wake and everything before it, and I regret everything. Well at least I know now that I have to soak up every moment I have with a person before they are gone. And that is why I am moving back to Florida, so I can patch up all my broken family relationships before it’s too late.