The love between a parent and their children is always and forever.

Just as much as this story is for me, it’s for all of those who have an absent father. My voice is yelling for all of us. It may be cracked and hoarse, but it will never stop until we’re all heard. There is a girl named Lerato Molatlheni, who is 15 years old in grade 9. Her father’s name is Kagiso Molatlheni, who was absent in her life for the past 9 years. Her mother’s name is Mmapule Molatlheni, who was supporting her the whole life, trying to balance the role of being a mother and a father. It was tough at times, Lerato could notice the cracks that were starting to show. In the years of growing up Lerato wondered if her father’s alcoholism defined her.

On the 15th of April 1999, Lerato Molatlheni was born. She was supposed to arrive in a warm loving family but instead she arrived at a puzzle that was not complete. Kagiso Molatlheni did not treat Lerato with respect, he did not compromise, take responsibility for his behavior, or apologize. He was always drunk, slept around 2am, without putting her daughter his priority. Most simply, exposure to alcohol on a regular basis seemed to increase on Lerato’s risk for future alcohol abuse. Her mother was battling the emotional turmoil of their family crisis. Depression and other physiological difficulties experienced by Kagiso in the throes of alcoholism also increased the likelihood of Lerato experiencing problems with substance later in her life. When a parent is under the influence of alcohol, it can result in uninhibited behaviour that might include verbal bereavement and even physical harassment, all of which can negatively impact a child’s self-esteem, self-worth, and overall well-being.

Lerato couldn’t concentrate easily at school. She grew up with a fear of all angry people. Her marks were below 50%. She thought that she could fix her father. She had a friend called Boitumelo Mogale who betrayed her. She told her a secret on how she was feeling about her absent father. Boitumelo did not keep a secret. She wandered everywhere at school spilling all Lerato’s secrets. Boitumelo was hard to trust. Unhealthy friendships are threatened when one person grows or changes. Having a parent with alcoholism can be endless disappointment. But even in your father’s darkest moments, he is still your hero. You still love him for who he is. You know it’s not really “HIM” – it’s the alcohol, and you’re hopeful, the horrors will all end soon. That hopeful ending is what keeps you going, even when the process is confusing, distracting, and sad. And that together with the faint memories of Kagiso’s sober days is what she had based her hope for a part life on.

Kagiso decided to leave since Mmapule’s mother discovered that he was abusing her child. However, a pot of gold had fallen on Lerato’s lap, when she discovered that fatherless kids have a higher risk of negative outcomes, including poverty and behavioural problems. The emotional impact of an absentee dad can be long-lasting and has the potential to interfere with healthy relationships in adulthood. Growing up without a father could permanently alter the structure of the brain and produce children who are more aggressive and angrier, scientists have warned. Children brought up only by a single mother have a higher risk of developing 'deviant behaviour', including drug abuse, new research suggests.

In the years of growing up with and without a father who drank and wondering if alcoholism defined “HIM”, Lerato learned a few things, often the hard way. She did not compare her life to others by proving people wrong who thought that she will be like her father– constant comparison is not just a thief of joy. It also limits what we think our capabilities are as an evolving person. You are constantly wondering why your home life is not like others, something you should not have to focus on a kid. Lerato is a bigger person – it is easy to set your default emotions to being bitter when life feels “unfair”, but life is not about what is fair. You might feel like you are being duped because the person you care about is not doing what is obviously right but getting worked up about these choices will not affect the other person. It only affects you.

Lerato began praying like never before. She was always praying for her parents to get back together but unfortunately it did not work. She looked into the mirror and said “Girl, take a deep breath and remember to be kind. Hate never wins, so love them through their troubles. Hopefully, they will come around on their own.” That is how alcohol recovery works. If they do not come around, at least you will be at peace with yourself. Lerato practiced forgiveness. She learned it from attending Sunday school at church. In order to free herself of hateful thoughts, she had to treat others they way she would like to be treated. I am guessing if you really messed up. You’d want to be forgiven too. She loved everyone else, included herself.

Lerato managed to pass with distinctions and went to university to study Communication Sciences. She was very talented, with writing, dancing, and doing poetry as well. A few years later while she was away at university, finishing lunch with her friends, when her father called. “Mom passed away this morning,” he said.

She collapsed on the sidewalk. Her friends had to carry her back to her dorm room. Words did not suffice to express the heartfelt sorrow that Lerato felt for the passing of her mother. Since losing your mother is a pain like no other pain. The loss of her mother brought about the unimaginable heartbreak of becoming a motherless daughter.

After the mother’s funeral, her father was alone and regretted for not being in Lerato’s life. He was regretted for the birthdays and holidays missed. Kagiso wrote a letter to his daughter…

“Dear Lerato Molatlheni

I was there at the moment you were born. I held you walked away endlessly with you, took you to school and then the unthinkable happened. Your mother and me grew apart, like many parents do, I began drinking alcohol. We lost each other somewhere in the daily routine of it all. We got angry at each other and I left. I didn’t know at the time but that would mean I left you too. I made your mom sad and you blamed me. You grew more and more angry sounding more and more like your mom. Your mom was a brilliant person. She has never spared herself in doing all she did for you. She believed she was doing the best thing, in keeping me away from you. When she heard you were scared of me. She had the right to put your wishes before mine. Later you not wanting to meet me was not a surprise even if it is sad.

I am really sorry it came to this really sorry that I missed you growing up, sorry for drinking in front of you, sorry I never hear how it is going at school who your friends are or what your likes and dislikes are. I just want you to know I have never stopped loving you, never given up hope that one day you’ll be able to choose yourself and want to meet. I’ll be ready when you do and understand if you don’t. I will face all your questions and be honest with all my answers, even if you get angry, even if you blame it on me. I can’t promise I won’t get sad when you cry, because I am sad that I am not part of your life. There has not gone a day when I haven’t thought of you, missed you and wanted to hear your voice.

I hope to see you soon, when you feel better don’t hesitate to call me on 087 613 8094. Take care, sweet one in love, with love and in trust to a higher understanding.

Your father

Mr Kagiso Molatlheni”

After reading this letter, Lerato cried for 3 days asking herself questions but she woke up and said, “Let me put my trust in God, at the end of the day he is my father, and I can’t change that!” She didn’t get that much from expressing herself, but what she did get was a chance to finally let him know her true feelings, which helped her a lot. There’s still pain, and for others going through this, there will still be pain for them, too. She called her father and they met at restaurant; they sat down for a meal.

Lerato began expressing her feelings, all her pain was relived, and as memories started flashing in her mind tears began rolling down her cheeks and when she had mustered up the courage to say something all she could say is "Did my mother have to die before you reached out?"