Yellow is for the Month of Awareness

TW: This story contains elements of medical gaslighting, and negligence

The emerald green and royal turquoise palette felt like a combination of luxury and calm. Yet, how could a calming colour palette and soft furnishings make for an uncomfortable waiting room?

It was the constant question that weighed on my mind every time I rocked up to my Gynaecologist's office in Buderim.

I always had an 11 am appointment, which always ended up being a noon call-in. I swear she hated me.

I was a problem patient. Constantly "complaining". I wished she'd just listen instead of trying to tell me that I'm wrong and that the IUD is working.

Using my finger as a temporary bookmark, I closed my copy of "Unnatural Causes" by Dr Richard Shepherd, to check my watch.

11.55 am. Not long to go now.

I kept on reading until a male medical student called my name.

'Hi, I'm Nathan, I'll be sitting in with Dr Richards,' he said.

'Oh, I wasn't --' I started.

'Did you want me to sit out?'

He shouldn't be the one asking me. This should've been mentioned to me at reception.

I need to find a new gynaecologist pronto.

'Oh no, that's okay. You can stay,' I replied.

He smiled nervously as he held the door open for me.

'Hi, Estelle,' Dr Susan Richards said.

'Hi Sue,' I replied, trying not to cringe. It felt odd using a nickname, but she insisted. Unlike my other health professionals, I did not have the same level of rapport with her that I did with the others.

'So what can I do for you today?' She asked.

'Well, I'm still in pain,' I replied, trying to refrain from adding "now going on a year". 'It's starting to affect my job a lot more, and I'm struggling sexually too, can't masturbate, can't ride a bike or sit for long periods.'

'Hmm,' was all she said.

'I'm taking my painkillers daily, which I know is not good for my gut, but I have no choice. I fell the other day due to pain shooting from my lower back to my feet.'

There was no emotion on her face. Nathan just observed. Normally, med students were allowed to ask questions, but it was clear he was itching to ask me some but wasn't allowed.

'Let's do some blood work, and I'll also suggest some other physicians that you can see in the meantime.'

As soon as she handed me the blood test referral I dug my nails into the palm of my hands.

Bloody STD checks.

'With all due respect, but I've done these tests once every like four to six months, there has to be something else. I don't have a partner.'

She rolled her eyes and handed me a referral for yet another ultrasound.

'Here's a list of other physicians, but I think that it might be time to consider that your pain may be in your head.'

'So no pelvic exam, MRI or laparoscopy?'

'Don't need to.'

'But my vagina is swol --' She wasn't paying attention. I looked over to the med student who tried his best to stifle a bewildered look. 'Fine. Um. Thank you for your time.'

My blood boiled, but I managed to fake a smile as I exited.

'I'm sorry,' he mouthed as I turned to shut the door behind me.

Me too, mate. Me too.

'That will be two hundred and fifty dollars,' the receptionist said.

'Yep no worries,' I replied. 'Also, from one healthcare professional to another, next time please advise that there will be a medical student in the room.'

I snatched the receipt from the girl's hand and left.

My car wasn't that far away and as soon as I entered my vehicle, I screamed.

Every frustration I had ever felt expelled out of my body with every breath. Tears streamed down my face, crashing down onto my thighs, like a waterfall into a lake.

I couldn't bear the thought of my 25-minute drive back home, but what choice did I have?

A tap at my driver-side window caused me to jump. 'Ma'am?' An elderly man asked. 'You alright?'

I quickly wiped away my tears, smiling slightly and replied, 'Yeah, I'm okay. Thank you.'

At least someone cared.

Now was the time to consider the possibility of finding a new gynaecologist. One that would listen to my concerns and not shut me down. It was laughable that she had photos of her daughters posted on the wall behind her. It made me wonder if she gave them the same advice.

Me 12.30 pm - Heading back, you up for a drink? Need a GnT and to bitch about this sad excuse of a doctor.

Violet 12.31 pm - Meet you at Opal Tavern at 1.10 pm?

Me 12.31 pm - Sounds fabulous.

I pushed the button igniting the engine and off I went. Heading north onto Gloucester Road towards Maroochydore Road.

***

'Okay, talk to me,' Violet said as she brought over the drinks.

I immediately took a long sip of my Hendriks Gin and Soda water. 'This is what I paid for today,' I said, sliding over the pieces of paper towards my best friend.

It didn't take her long to interpret what I was saying. 'That bitch!' She remarked. 'How many of these have you done?'

'Ultrasound? Hmmm maybe ten. STD check? I wanna say like five in the past year?'

'Did you --'

'Ask for a pelvic exam, and an MRI? Yep, and she, and I quote, said "Don't need to". What does that even mean?'

There was no solution.

I took another sip of my gin and soda, hoping for the calming effects of the alcohol to soothe my hurting soul. There was no use at all. I just swirled my black paper straw around in the drink, and stared blankly into the grey timber bar top.

The last ultrasound I had showed one giant ovarian cyst and that wasn't even mentioned today. I was at a loss. I knew that it was the IUD giving me grief, but what if I did have endometriosis? She diagnosed me via an Ultrasound! While it did show hypoechoic structures, even I know that is no way for a complete diagnosis.

'Still no laparoscopy either. The plan is to just keep this stupid device in.' I said. 'Oh, and I wasn't told she had a med student with her, so I had a guy call me and bring me in.'

Violet spat her drink out, choking on the little substance she swallowed. 'What the fuck?! How is that --' She cut herself off, before continuing, 'Is there something else?'

Violet tried to be empathetic, but for her it was hard. No matter how strong our friendship was, I couldn't talk to her about the other issues. It was embarrassing and if a gynaecologist couldn't fathom the importance of a libido and pain associated with penetration, how could my best friend understand too?

'No, there's nothing,' I lied.

I knew she knew I was lying but I didn't care.

I slid off the brown leather bar stool and made my way to the sage coloured bar.

'Hendriks and soda in a tall glass, please,' I said to the bartender, handing over my driver's licence. It was a compliment, meant I still looked 18 despite being 26. Showed how well my skin care routine was working.

The bartender passed over the drink and I tapped my debit card.

'Ya know, dating with allergies isn't easy either, there's more risks involved,' Violet said when I got back to the bar. 'I don't want to shit on your experience, but I can only assume that that's what you won't talk about.'

'I know, your allergies can kill you. That's a terrifying thing to consider when dating,' I empathised. 'I know that mine isn't quite like that but damn. It's hard when it's painful, and then there's the last minute cancellations because you can't get out of bed. It's too much for a guy to handle.'

That unfortunately was the honest truth.

There was nothing else to say. I tried to date before I came back, tried again a bit after, but it was all the same "sorry, you're great, but I don't think we're the right fit".

I knew what that meant.

It was a slap to the face.

I just needed a complete diagnosis. I didn't want an ultrasound report saying that I had a hypoechoic uterus or pelvis. I wanted a laparoscopy.

It wasn't just a simple matter of finding a new gynaecologist though. It meant doctor shopping and being ruthless, it meant further suffering until I could get an appointment, and maybe waiting even longer before I could get it out.

'I just wish that she would do her job, poke holes in my abdomen and go "yep, endometriosis is confirmed",' I said. 'Many of my limited number of patients see her, and they're talking to me about how they've had laparoscopies, and I just have to sit there and scan them like I am not seeing the fucking bitch myself! I even tell her I don't get to scan all that much because pain just --'

I lost my composure. Tears started to flow.

Sonography was my ultimate career choice. I loved it. The patient care, extreme understanding of multiple areas of anatomy, physiology, and pathology on a macro level. I enjoyed the post graduate aspect and now fully qualified in advanced women's health and paediatrics. In a good few years' time, I wanted to pursue my PhD.

The longer I believed Dr Richards, the more harm I was causing to myself. I was seeing less patients, and leaving work early, when really I needed to sort out so many issues behind the scenes of my own business!

'Woah, woah,' Violet exclaimed, quickly sliding off her stool to console me.

Her arms enveloped me tightly as I sobbed into her shoulder.

'I don't know how much more I can take of this. I don't have the time to doctor shop, and if I do, I'm in pain or trying to sort out more of this business, which is further killing me. I need a radiologist, and fast. I am losing more money to that stupid reporting company.'

'I got you,' she said. 'How about we go back to your place, and we look at doctors together? Let's make it top priority. We can also go through applications, I know my gran put up an ad for you.'

I pulled away from her, sniffing back and replied, 'Sounds good.'