Tea

           “I'm telling you, he doesn't want any tea or coffee. It doesn't matter if it's hot or cold, how many lumps you put in, if it's real sugar or succrose. He doesn't want it. He's a dog. Dogs don't drink coffee or tea.”

           Rosan is a nurse, she's a good nurse, but she doesn't understand. Coffee and tea are Niff's favorite drinks. He likes lemonade, too. And besides, Niff is my dog and I can feed him whatever I want. If I decide Niff should have lettuce and tomatoes for a week, Niff'll enjoy lettuce and tomatoes for a week. He sometimes gives me those sad puppy eyes when I serve him this food, but the vet said he needs to eat healthier and exercise. So, fruits, vegetables, diabetic friendly spaghetti, tea, and strong coffee. That's what's on Niff's menu. 

           “What're you doing now? Lettuce? Niff is a dog. He's a carnivore. He wants water and meat you idiot. Give him water and meat or at least some good dog food.”

           Now, I'm waiting for Niff to eat so we can start his workout. The vet was clear. Niff needs to lose weight and get more exercise. Heck, I've been working out more and look at me. Fifty pounds later. So. . .

           “That'll never work. Never. Not in a billion years,” Rosan said.

           I turn on the treadmill and put Niff on it. He has these confused eyes again. But, he'll understand. So, I start off the treadmill at five miles an hour and Niff doesn't walk (I probably should've explained it to him first) and goes flying off the front of the treadmill. Again, he gives me a confused look. So, I decide to attach his leash to the back of the treadmill.

           “That's not a good idea,” she says.

           “He'll be fine” I say.

           So, I tie his leash near the head of the treadmill and feel his collar. Then, I turn it on and Niff's collar kind of wiggles, but his collar comes off and he flies off the treadmill again. He looks at me with those eyes again. I decide he's worked hard at trying to run on the treadmill so I tell Niff, “Good try. Good boy” and I give him a fresh cup of hot green tea. He look at me, looks at the tea, smells it, and then starts to walk away.

           “He don't want no hot tea, you idiot. He wants meat, dog food, and water.”

           She doesn't understand. “Coffee?” I ask, “Niff. You want some coffee?”

           “No. Meat. He wants meat” she says.

           So, he hasn't had any yet, but I decide to play a trick on Niff. Ok, lady says Niff want meat. So, what I do is I get a broccholi and let Niff smell it. He starts to walk away. But then, I get in the fridge and I take out a pot of chicken broth from last night. I take off the lid and dip in the broccoli and put the lid back on. I close the fridge. I then put the broccoli in front of Niff's nose. He sniffs it, looks confused, and sniffs the broccoli again. I put it in his dog bowl with the lettuce and tomatoes.

           He takes a bite out of the broccoli, chews it once, and spits it out. Then he gives me the poor puppy eye look.

           “Give him the chicken soup without the freaking broccoli.”

           I just need to get more creative. Then, Niff begs to go outside. I have a fence so I let him outside and he's a good boy. He starts eating the grass outside. Then, he does something weird. There's a white bunny outside and Niff chases it and is able to catch the bunny by the tail. The bunny is bleeding. 

           “Niff, bad dog” I say.

           “You're a bad master” she says.

           Blood is all over Niff and the bunny dies. Niff chews at the bunny's stomach and it looks like he's chewing the bunny's liver. I go outside to retrieve Niff, but he growls at me. I try to grab him and he tries to bite me. He keeps gnawing at the bunny's liver. I decide maybe Rosan was right. He did run (which is exercise) to get the bunny. Then, since I figure Niff might be thirsy after his meal, I bring Niff a diet soda on the rocks, but Niff ignores me. After thiry minutes, Niff leaves the remainder of the bones of the bunny. He ignores the soda and licks the water from the water drain. The nurse lets Niff back in. I try to follow him, but the nurse won't let me back in.

           “You're an idiot,” she says, “Niff's the smart one” 

*

           So, the nurse goes home and she let me in before she left and told me again what to feed Niff. But, I decided to experiment with liquids. If Niff won't accept the tea, coffee, and cola, maybe I should go slow. So, this night, I decided to buy him apple flavored water. He sniffed it and decided to drink it and lapped it up. Then, he sniffed the salad and turned his face up. But, he started to dig and curl up in a ball on the couch, but he stopped him. He got an angry look in his eyes. I then put him in his dog bed. He looked mad, but gave a shrug look and dug and curled up into a ball. I gotta follow the vet's orders. 

           Then, when he woke up, I put on the training mp3. It had the soothing sound of meowing chihuahuas. Now, if a chihuahua can meow, so can Niff. I decided to use a tool, though. I got a dog treat (Milk Bone) and said to Niff, “Meow,” and again he gave me the blank dog eyes. “I'll give you this treat if you Meow, Niff”. Nothing happened. So, I go outside and ring the doorbell. Niff barked, which is usual and I said, “Good, boy. Now, meow”. 

           He doesn't. He keeps barking. So, I give him some yarn to play with and try the laser. He smells the yarn and tries to eat it, so I take it away from him and give him his salad and tea, but he isn't hungry for that. 

           Then, I put him in his bed and I go to my bed and I say my prayers and go to sleep. Then, I have a vision. I imagine I'm a dog with a plate of plastic fruits and vegetables. The kind used for decortions and I try to eat it, but it's inedible. Then, I try to drink my coffee, but it smells like diesel fuel, so I don't drink it. Then, I go outside and chase a running cheeseburger and there's a puddle of diet soda. Weird. Then, I go back inside and Niff tries to follow me, but can't get in for two hours. He then lets me in and won't let me sleep in my bed. How weird. So, I wind up sleeping in a different bed, but I'm ok. I'm ok. Hungry, but ok.