Chasing the Rain

Astrid started every day by checking the weather. It was a ritual for her, grounding her and preparing her for what was to come. Astrid loved the predictable unpredictability of weather, but rain always made her anxious. As Marty Sundaze cheerily announced “It looks like it will be quite rainy day out there folks, make sure to check out your local color before heading out for the day” Astrid sighed and walked over to the window to see what was to come. 

Yellow. Of course, it's raining yellow today. Today was Astrid's first day off in two weeks and all she wanted to do was get a manicure and a massage. Today was supposed to be about pampering and relaxation. She spent every day being productive, motivated, and energetic. “Why can’t it just be green?” Astrid sighed, stroking the head of her favorite companion Mystic. The massive dog just tilted her head up at her mother and looked at her with her intuitive golden eyes and Astrid had an idea. “Great idea!” she said and ran off to her bedroom. 

Thirty minutes later Astrid emerged, clad in bright yellow from head to toe. Mystic looked at her curiously and tilted her head. “If you can’t beat it, become it” Astrid explained. Astrid had just finished reading a book about owls and remembered that screech owl's feathers can mimic bark and act as camouflage, they become the tree. Astrid was going to take that same energy and use it to hide from the rain.  

On days like today, Astrid wished she didn’t hate driving so much but as it was, she hated cars and cars hated her, so she grabbed her skateboard, took a deep breath, and hoped for the best.  

The salon was only a few blocks away, if she kept her head down and ignored all the cheery calls of hello, she could make it in five minutes or so. She just had to keep her head down. The yellow camouflage was working so far, her skin still felt cool and dry under the polyester sunshine yellow sweatshirt she had on. As Astrid sped by calls of “Good afternoon!” and “Have a grateful day” she couldn’t help but notice all the saturated blue jeans tinted green of every person she passed. She smiled to herself, an authentic warmth radiating through her, filling her with the pride of the screech owl. When suddenly Astrid heard a voice undeniably calling out to her, “Dirt! Hey! Hold up, I’ve been looking for you”. At hearing her college nickname Astrid suddenly looked up, recognizing the voice she hadn’t heard since she was 22”. 

******* 

A feeling of warmth filled her stomach, radiating up through her chest, and all through her arms and legs. She could feel a searing pain in her leg but the yellow was too strong. Astrid could not escape the feeling of bliss, she knew she messed up, that she was seriously injured and needed to go to the hospital, she knew this feeling would fade, she knew none of this was real, but she also knew she had to find whoever was calling to her. Astrid wasn’t mad, the yellow didn’t allow for anger but the curious energy to find answers was driving her to get up and find him.  

“You hit a rock”. The EMT says in a matter-of-fact tone. She was lying on a stretcher, still outside. Her face warmed with the yellow rain running in streams down her cheeks and through her hair, staining her skin with its golden glow. “Who called for me?”. It was all that mattered. She knew her leg was broken in about 3 places. She could see a piece of bone sticking through her skin. She could see the red from the blood pooling with the yellow creating pumpkin-colored puddles on the sidewalk. It was bad. She knew she would need an external fixator and months of physical therapy. She couldn’t control any of that, those weren’t problems. It was just her life for now. 

The ride to the hospital was a painful one. The EMT never answered her question, brushing it off saying “People just love being out on yellow rain days, it could have been anyone really just saying hello.” The EMT smiled as he said it, clearly affected by the yellow as well. Astrid smiled back at him; she couldn’t help it. The warmth inside her was all encompassing. She knew she wanted to be angry or sad but the yellow was suffocating, so she smiled. 

The thing about yellow rain is that its fake. It feels good when the rain is coming down. The warmth gives you this happy energy that motivates you in every way. You feel confident, powerful, motivated to make positive changes. Yellow leaves you with a fire in your belly that fuels your soul. It is amazing and absolutely addicting. There are people out there who live to chase the yellow rain. Living out of their cars and navigating their life through the weather channel. It sounds amazing, and there even was a time when Astrid chased the rain. The thing about the magic of yellow though, is people forget that between the storms you are left feeling extraordinarily tired, weak, lazy, and let's not forget about the stomach pain experienced in yellow droughts.  

******* 

Marty Sundaze said the rain would stop after sundown. Astrid hoped he was right, or better yet. She hoped he was wrong, and the rain would stop earlier than sundown. The warmth inside her lingered and a nagging gnawing sensation came over her. She hit her call light and a few minutes later a young nurse in bright blue scrubs and a matching stethoscope beamed at her through the doorway “What can I do for you Ms. Butler?”. She asked the nurse for her phone and laptop. Just because Astrid was bed bound for the time being did not mean the yellow wasn’t able to work its energizing magic on her.  

First, Astrid had to make sure her neighbor could look after Mystic. She knew even in the best circumstance she would be in the hospital for at least a few nights. Once she knew Mystic was looked after Astrid set to her next task. Finding Cameron. She decided she wouldn’t reach out to him until after the rain had passed. She didn’t want anything clouding her judgment. Astrid had waited four years to tell him what she’d been holding in, and she did not want an artificial warmth bleeding in and blurring her real feelings. Cameron wanted to talk to her, and she was ready to talk. 

******* 

By the time the rain subsided it was well past midnight. Astrid woke up, suddenly hyperaware of the pain in her leg. Finally able to cry and feel the depth of her pain, anger, and anxiety. She looked out the window and in place of the yellow tint of the rain was the soft silver glow from the full moon outside. Despite the discomfort, Astrid managed to smile genuinely. Her head was clear, and Cameron was about to hear the truth. Astrid spent the next few hours lying in her hospital bed wide awake, grateful for the ability to be in touch with reality again. Astrid loved the way yellow felt, but after years of chasing the rain, she learned that homemade yellow, although much harder to create, doesn’t come with the same side effects as when the storm subsides.   

Somewhere between 3 am and 5 am Astrid must have dozed off. The pain woke her back up and she rang for the nurse to see if she could have any pain medications. While she waited for the medication to work its magic Astrid decided to see if she could find Cameron on social media. If he wanted to talk to her, he would have unblocked her by now.  

Astrid barely had enough time to start up her laptop when she saw the mousy brown hair of none other than Cameron Moone. He stood there holding two coffees and smiled sheepishly at her. Suddenly all the anger and hurt faded, and in its place was a dull yellow glow. Astrid feared this, she had heard old triggers can release the excess yellow reserves when you are in a place of increased stress. Astrid reached for the coffee; she would take it to be polite, but she wouldn’t drink it. Coffee would only enhance the warmth, and that was the last thing she needed. Instead, Astrid reached for the iced cold water the nurse had brought her earlier in the morning. The cool water filled her belly, quelling any warmth that was once there. Yellow was what caused all of this, she wouldn’t let it trick her into believing any of Cameron's warmth was anything less than Splenda yellow.  

“Thanks for the coffee. Why did you come here?” Astrid said bluntly sipping the water, hoping it would be enough to keep the yellow down. Cameron looked down at his feet. “I saw the storm was heading this way, I was hoping I’d run into you. I miss you, Astrid.” At that statement, Astrid couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “So, you’re still chasing the rain then? After everything that happened?”. She should have known he would never change. A promise really is just a word after all. There was something about this realization that suddenly made her realize that there was no point in even trying to talk to him. You can’t change people any more than you can change the weather. Cameron was a tornado and anyone that got too close to him just became another causality. “Weren’t you?” was all he said in return, he glanced at her briefly, but his sage green eyes no longer pulled her in. Suddenly, Astrid realized that nothing she ever felt for him was ever real. It was always the yellow and now that she was able to see it, her anger for him faded too. She wasn’t angry at him for taking four years of her life. She didn’t hate him either. She just felt nothing towards him. She had nothing to say to him.  

Cameron must have realized he said the wrong thing because he kept talking. “I just mean, you were out yesterday, you were covered in yellow. I figured things could go back to how they were, you know. If you forgave me.”. At that Astrid couldn’t help but chuckle. “Cameron, I can’t forgive someone who never apologized.”. She didn’t need to explain that what she was doing was hiding from the rain, that she had spent the past four years running from the rain. She knew it didn’t matter; it would never change anything for him. “I never meant for the accident to happen Dirt; I swear”. Hearing her old nickname made her cringe. Nobody called her that anymore, Dirt was the identity of the girl who had no identity. Dirt was chaotic, lonely, and impressionable. Dirt had no boundaries, she allowed herself to be swept away in the fake feelings of happiness and purpose instead of finding real purpose. “Don’t call me that. Dirt died four years ago.” Cameron looked at her, clearly confused, but he didn’t ask any more questions. “Astrid, I’m sorry.” He said the words quickly, as if two words could wipe away four years of pain. “Thank you”. It was all she needed to say. Cameron took eight years of her life in total. She wasted four years living out of her car listening to the weather channel and running to find the next storm. When Astrid finally had enough though, it was already too late. Cameron crashed her car speeding towards the coast one night headed for a yellow hurricane. It was right after a drought of yellow too. 

******* 

 Leading up to the accident, the two of them had spent months chasing the rain, and everywhere they went it was blue, purple, red, or green. They were hurting, the stomach pain from the drought was unbearable.  It was her car but Cameron always drove. It was part of their dynamic. Astrid had the car but hated driving. Cameron loved driving but never had a car, and on that night, he was driving like his life depended on it. He drove as fast as he could, desperate for the satisfying bliss of the yellow to give them a purpose again.  

******* 

Astrid was never able to remember the rest of that night. She only remembers waking up in the emergency room asking if Cameron was okay. She remembers the nurses rushing past her, half ignoring her calls for him and the other half only telling her that they couldn’t disclose any personal information about anyone. Later, Astrid found out that Cameron was fine. He had left the emergency room with 10 stitches in his knee and an ace wrap about an hour before Astrid even regained consciousness.  

He never spoke to her again. Initially this destroyed Astrid. She lost her best friend, and more importantly her identity. Who was she without the rain? Eventually Astrid learned that his disappearance was for the best. The accident was for the best. Four years ago, Astrid would not have been strong enough to cut herself off from him, but things were different now. The rain no longer defined her, Cameron was nothing to her.  

Astrid smiled at Cameron, grateful for the tornado of a human who forced her into finding her true self. After the accident Astrid finally settled down. She found a nice apartment in the city, so she no longer had to drive. She got a good job where she could work from home and no longer had to go out in the rain if she didn’t want to. Astrid was planning on going back to school and started dating a man who respected her and encouraged her to be her best self. Astrid had everything she could ever want, and Cameron was still chasing the rain. “I forgive you Cameron, but I think you should go now”.