My closure with her email(ed) Goodbye

What started out as "just another mail", turned into a very long and somewhat detailed explanation of what happened that led up to the moment of deciding to do what she did. Yes it was a surprise that I was just now receiving this email, as it had somehow become "lost". I was not sure how to feel about this email, since the date on it was "stamped" with today's date, only 20 years ago. I read over the email several times before i finally grasped hold of what I was reading was from someone who had been deceased for 5 of those years previously. I was not sure what to make of this email's contents, since, even after reading this email, I knew I would never have the chance to answer this email or speak with the person, in person, ever again. I was filled with the sadness and despair, because knowing what I learned then, was a slightly different view of how things had been back then for us both. We had parted ways, with mostly hate and speaking vile things to one another, yet neither was will to admit the wrong that both had experienced, nor was either of us willing to come to an agreement, in hopes that we could some how make amends. It was what all happened prior to our non agreeable decision to no longer be together. I was more or less at wits ends and she was so not wanting to be in the relationship/marriage, even for another day, much less for another minute. She decided she would rather try to persuade me to leave or she would make me wish I had chosen to leave long before things became worse. As I was brought back to the present moment, with this email that was a surprise, to say the least, or more so a very unpleasant surprise that brought back the pain and anguish that I, had fought so hard, to forget. In the moment I discovered, this email I was not sure how to mentally respond to it in any form or fashion. I was feeling so let down and was not sure that I would easily recover from the new information that was presented to me. I knew of many things that I thought I actually knew to be fact, yet after reading the email, my eyes were opened to new things that came together like a puzzle completed at last. I was sure not aware that she had found the courage to explain in detail, the pain she suffered and the anguish and despair she experienced (at hands of her new lover. She explained in detail, how she turned to drugs and drinking to ease the pain and she became pregnant due his forcefulness and desire to be "in control" of her every move that she made on a daily basis. He was very demanding and demeaning when he spoke to her, all the while making her feel as though she could do nothing right in his eyes. She was, in a small way, being treated by him as she had treated me in the latter years of our union. She even proceeded to ask me for my forgiveness for all that she had done prior to my finally leaving, yet never asking me to come back or to even try to make amends so that we both could have some sort of closure, in part or in whole. I was seeing this very email as more of a way to "clear her conscience" or put her mind at ease, not sure how to make it clear either way. I was somewhat ashamed at the idea of never realizing that it was more so a blessing that I did not see this email any time sooner than I had. I may have "caved in" and possibly tried to return to this environment that I had so tried hard to leave and eventually did leave from. I was trying very hard to put this all in prespective and to try to better understand how a person can be more than one person or personality, that is kind of like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One person in front of others, and another person behind closed doors. To be deceitful and devious all in one breath, to show no remorse and no guilt and no shame for their actions, unless they are wanting to make you feel the guilt and shame instead. This email showed me the very person with whom I first met and fell in love with, in the beginning. Yet I was not sure if she had been coerced into writing what she had, maybe never knowing what had happened to her email to me and taking with her to grave that very unsure feelings that caused her to even write and then send the email to me. Some memories are better left in the darkest regions of the mind, no matter how much that someone tries to change, they may still have evil intentions planned. Of the 9 years we were together for, first part being our relationship, then later on our marriage, it seems that I possibly never truly knew her as well as I faslely led myself to believe, even in the end and later on. I even decided to print off the email before I removed it from email account, so if nothing else to have that reminder of how someone was in one instance, as I wished to remember them for. I know that things have become somewhat easier for me to deal with, in some ways concerning her passing on, and in a small way, my small loss. It is better to have loved once before and have lost that love, knowing what I learned back then and learned later on in that very email that was somehow lost along the way. It means that this, was sort of a sign, that I finally came to terms with this loss and to have the closure for the loss allows me to find a way to move onward and forward with my own life.