Paranoid Dr. Freud

We’ve been following you for some time, Dr. Freud.

Where did you come from?

I just told you.

No. I mean, are you a figment of my imagination, or are you real?

I believe you should be asking yourself this question. Are you, or are you not, the expert here?

I suppose I am, but since you showed up, I’m no longer sure.

You’ll have to come with us, I’m afraid.

And where, might I ask, are you planning on taking me?

I’ll give you one guess.

The asylum?

You see, I told you, you were the expert.

What if I refuse?

You know what happens to people who refuse, do you not?

I suppose I do.

Then will you come willingly, or will we have to restrain you?

Can I think about that for a minute?

I’m afraid your time is up.

How do you know my time is up?

Because the timer has already gone off, did you not hear it?

I guess not. I didn’t even know there was a timer.

Perhaps that’s part of the problem.

Let’s go now. Pick up your hat—no need for a coat. We have a jacket for you in the van.

A jacket, huh? I don’t suppose there is any way that the word straight won’t appear before that jacket.

I’m afraid not.

I can’t really see the need for a straight jacket. I am being quite compliant.

You are now, but things can change.

What sorts of things?

Your mood, for one.

I can assure you my mood is quite stable at present.

There really is no way to tell.

But, I am telling you.

Your judgment has been a little off of late.

How so?

Do I really need to remind you?

Apparently.

Very well. You’ve been obsessed with sex lately, especially of the homosexual kind. That in and of itself does not make you crazy, but we have had some complaints lately from a certain man who says you are obsessed with him.

Might I know this man’s name?

I suspect you already know it.

No. I mean, will you tell me the man’s name who has made this accusation?

I’m afraid I can’t do that, sir.

Why not?

The man wishes to remain anonymous, invisible as it were.

So what you are telling me is that an invisible man is accusing me of being obsessed with him, and you can’t tell me his name?

Yes, sir. That, apparently, is what I am telling you.

Do you know how crazy you sound?

That’s the pot calling the kettle black.

We were not just discussing kettles, were we?

I suspect not.

Alright then. Let’s get back to why you’re here.

Very well. I am here to take you to the asylum so you can be analyzed and ascertained.

What the hell does that mean?

Which one?

Both.

I cannot say, sir. I’m a policeman, not a psychotherapist.

That’s entirely obvious.

Is it? I thought I came off as a shrink.

What is a shrink?

Shouldn’t you be telling me this?

I really do not know.

Then we are in more trouble than I thought. Please step out of the bath, sir, and grab your nightshirt.

I’m not in the bath.

Then why are you soaking wet?

Because I’m sweating, that’s why.

And why would that be?

Because you are making me nervous.

I have that effect on people. Are you coming or not?

I have decided not.

Well then, you leave me no choice. I will have to put the jacket on you. Allow me to find my assistant, Dr. Jung.

Jung? No way. That guy is a quack.

Are you acquainted with Dr. Jung?

Very.

Then you will understand how imperative it is that you come with us.

I’m afraid I don’t follow you.

Yes, that’s been the entire problem all along. Dr. Jung is a part of our psychiatric apprehension initiative. He assists us in bringing in difficult patients.

Am I considered a difficult patient?

What do you think?

I think I’m not a patient at all.

That’s pretty much what they all say.

What is this initiative you mention?

The Psychiatric Apprehension Initiative, or PAI, is a program designed to relieve the world of unqualified practitioners of the mind.

That sounds made up.

Everything is made up when you really think about it.

That sounds awfully philosophical. Why aren’t you rounding up philosophers?

We did that already.

How did it go?

About as well as you might expect, there was a great deal of argument. Some say the argument continues as we speak.

What have psychiatrists ever done to you?

It’s not what they have done to me, sir. It’s what they have done to others.

What others?

That’s hard to say. There are so many of them.

Them who?

The victims.

Of what?

This sounds a little too solipsistic to me.

Are you sure that’s the correct usage of that word?

I’m not a wordsmith, sir. Those were rounded up a long time ago.

For what reason?

I think the reason should be obvious, don’t you?

I’m afraid nothing is obvious at this point. Nevertheless, I refuse to go anywhere with Jung. It just wouldn’t be right.

We’re not going to argue about rights, are we?

Perhaps.

It seems a little late for that. Let’s get you in the van, and we can discuss it further.

Van or not, I refuse to go if Jung is involved.

Alright. I’ll tell him to go ahead without us. We will follow him.

Let me grab my suitcase before we go.

I’m afraid I can only allow you one item on our trip—any item of your choosing.

I choose my superego.

Good choice, sir. Probably best to leave your id at home.

You mean I can’t take that with me?

It would be best if you did not.

Very well. If you hand me a towel, I will dry off, and we can be on the road.

I see no towels here, sir.

Quite right. I got rid of those a long time ago. Perhaps I shall go soaking wet.

I’m not sure that’s advisable.

I could use the blow dryer to dry you off.

The what?

It’s called a blow dryer, Dr. Freud. You plug it into the wall, and it blows hot air on your skin.

And you think I’m that madman. That sounds insane.

Right this way to the van, sir. Dry or not, you’re coming with me.

I suppose you’re the expert.