The ripped wrapping paper stares at me unanimously. The glowing dress seems to be gloating at me. The scattered gift card and money seems to be smirking at me. What is getting on my nerves is that dress. Not only is it body shaming me, but it is speaking out his language.
If that is what you want sister, I can passionately speak back to you as well.
I dumped you in the trash can. Why did my roommates think it's such a noble thing to return you back to my bed? Maybe if I had ripped off my name, would you have been in another person's hands?
I placed you in the lost and found section. And here comes someone acting all like a Good Samaritan. They looked me up in a yearbook and brought me back to me. Now you are acting like a boomerang ricocheting back to me. I neatly wrapped you back hoping someone would wash you off my hands. Why are you doing this to me?
I tried to palm you off to a friend but she said she no. Of all my clothes, she refused to look at you and called you an accursed dress, set for destruction. She swore curses at your source and threatened to burn me with you if I dare put you on my body. Her violent words drove me to a dumpster that is situated in this boarding house. I was so ready to set your glow on fire. I cannot be associated with an accursed thing. That comes from someone who has a low opinion of me. You are also too small for my size. That's his statement of body shaming me again. I wanted to burn you but I couldn't find the matches or lighter. My dream of watching you burn turned into embers and then ashes which were blown into the infinity basement of failed moments.
I looked at your label and goggled where you originated from. Oh, you do come from an expensive place. At least once, Professor Google did not deceive me. I was too scared to approach your place of origin. But I had to go there. And shame, even your caretakers don't want you back. Do you know what they said about material defect? You have none that they see but just your presence is searing and scarring me in the inside. You are unwanted here. Oh, I don't loathe you. I loathe your source. I loathe the source so much that I want not only to rip you apart but your source's heart out. For his lack of emotions towards me, he thinks he can supplement it with YOU!
Your presence is condemning me for all my actions and my confused state of mind. I am double minded, fine, but you don't have to keep reminding me. I am in an oxymoron state right now and your presence is just confirming what a wonder I am. A double minded wonder.
Let me tell you why. Maybe you will stop judging me and start speaking my language not his:
I have learnt one thing, sometimes it is okay to cry. It is okay to feel pain. And yet the irony is that, I have mastered the art of embracing the pain and just pretending all is well. I keep denying the pain and smile even when my heart is bleeding. I kind of wish I knew what is wrong with me.
Maybe I am too perfectionist? Maybe I do have high standards? Or perhaps I kind of live in a fairy-tale? I am at loss of words. I keep justifying his actions. And I keep blaming myself for his fault. But all I know is that I keep doing the same stupid thing over and over again. I want to break the cycle. I am now focusing on self-love. For true love does seem to exist to others. They look happy and all is well. I hate how I feel now. How forgiving, how besotted and how hopeful I am. I have been through this once, twice and I don’t wanna go there. I am the type who loves it if someone mirrors the way I feel for them. Now I quit. I am done fighting for what is non-existence.
As much as I try to deny it, he no longer cares. He is too busy for me. Creating his own legacy yet forgetting me. I am no longer chasing what seems not to be mine. But now, I give up. I surrender. It’s like I am losing my mind.
You do know what my friends think? They think I am getting over him. It is not true. I am not. It is like I am losing my mind. The thought of losing him had never been easy on me. Many a times at the beginning of the relationship or rather situationship, I actually wondered what would happen. What I feared the most is now upon me. He is slipping away like sand, like water in my hand. I see myself doing what I don’t wanna do. I feel like I am going crazy. Naturally drugging myself with anxiety. In my conquest to numb the pain, I have got all crazy ideas. Should I drink? Should I just die? But I can’t do this. But I can’t do this. ‘…. stillbirth. You have to endure the pain’ so a voice told me. Yet I am insane. I am laughing out loud with the world, yet inside of me I am screaming. Screaming, crying as well.
I don’t know what to do. Where I should turn, who I should talk to. What I do not wish to do, I do it. Again. What I wish to do, I do not do it. It is even harder have to gaze at his picture and just think, that is one great guy. Here is one time I thought I had met my soul mate. My mind is so upset, not even caring which paths it will make us stumble. All it cares is to rub off all his memories. Yet all I do is to stare and my heart just makes it seem so alright. Like he will come back. I don’t know. I have never been this deep before, but I have felt the pain of being an option not a priority in someone’s life.
I want to break free. But I don’t know why. It’s like every time I feel he is slipping away that this triggers fear factor files in me. Is it possible to tell my mind and heart that it is over? I know, I know it isn’t official as of it. But, he isn’t mine anymore right? I am probably going through the five phrases of rejection. But either way, I don’t wanna live like this anymore. I feel like I am falling again. Help me to stop deceiving myself.
Heartbreak sucks. Chances are high that the moment he waltzes back into my life, I’ll melt again. Even though he is likely to move again without me. The signs were there, but I just decided there were crazy dreams. Well, that is me for me. Whatever charm he placed on him is quite effective. But I will fight it. I really don’t feel like moving on. The temptations are there. But I feel like it isn’t right. The pain is there. I have to endure. Like I did last year. At a time like this. I was in the same position. Is this a cycle? Prioritising someone who makes you just but an option? Maybe I am wrong. But hey, where have I been? Of course. Screwing up as usual. Messing up so many guys’ lives. Counting on that person who will just not wish to see me cry. Thought I had found him. Oh, how others will celebrate at this rift. The ‘I told you so’. I was afraid of losing him, I did what I thought would keep him. It is kind of killing me. Many a time I try to pretend it is not killing me. But who am I kidding. It really hurts. I have lost grip of this one human being I thought was the one for me. But you will never know mama, how much it is killing me. Coz I won’t tell you. He won’t know how much he has shredded from my heart. Coz I won’t tell him either. Just like before, when this phrase is over, I’ll pick myself up. Dust off the particles. March forward and not look back to this. Hope it will remain a scar only which is dried up. A reminder to take caution when it comes to issues that concerns the heart.
The thing is that I still love him despite all this. I have been looking up at some internet stuff. Some are building me up. And some are just worsening the pain. Here I am still envisioning the future with him. He is just a great guy. He made me believe more in myself. He made me believe that I am a beautiful and amazing woman. The reason why I dress, the way I walk. Somehow he contributed to this new me. I delight in myself more. Despite how I feel so low at times, somehow he stirred that power in me. To see myself in new light. I do miss him. His crazy way of speech. How he taunts me. How he just scares the hell out of me. How jovial he is. The way he walks. The way his eyes lights up when he sees me. The way he does things. The way he treats me like I am a princess. Like I am the only girl in the world. Like I am his queen. How he has a big vision. How he loves the tune of his own voice. His confidence. How charismatic he is. The survivor he is. Just how he took it all in a stride when I whined like a baby. How he laughed off when I hated him for bring the exact person who turned me upside down. If this is how I get over this pain, I will happily see to it that I look up at the good man he is. Despite the picture he gives to people. Somehow, a part of me still hopes he will come back. Yet on the face of it, I have lost him. And it scares me......
"Liana, what are you doing?"
I jump at the words and scramble to my feet, "What?"
"I mean, gal, it felt as if you were bandying words with someone."
"I didn't mean to think out loud really. I am so sorry Gayati."
"It's alright gal. Oh wow, would you look at that beautiful dress? Why was it in the trash."
"I, uhm, have no idea."
"Won't you try it on? What's the occasion? Gal, who ever sends this is in love with you. So reckless with the money..."
"Do you, want to swap my dress with something..."
"Hell no. Look, I got a catch up meeting with my Team. See you later.."
Even Gayati does not want you.
This leaves me with only one option. I have to go to the lion's den. If I come out unscathed, I am going to sell you online. And just for the record, I am not going to attend any stupid function like a trophy. Either you go online or you will be my door mat.