Where The Blood Drops

Tiago fell to her knees and moaned. The ringing in her ear was getting louder and more painful… And harder to resist.

She looked up blankly at the newspaper she was holding.

12-year-old girl, Haley Mackenzie, was found dead in her house. Neighbors say they didn’t hear anything. A bloody knife was found next to Haley. The suspects include…

Tiago’s eyebrows raised up to her hairline.

That’s the 4th one this week, she thought. She set the newspaper down and sat down on her couch to rest. She pitied the poor parents of Haley Mackenzie. A child taken away from you was something to grieve about, she knew.

All the victims of this week’s killer were kids. 12 and down. Sad parents weeped and sobbed over the loss of their child. The police could figure out nothing.

***

As expected, on her way back from the grocery store, the whole town was buzzing about the murder.

“Well, I feel terrible. The police haven’t found nothin’.” One woman shook her head sadly.

The other woman nodded. “They better find something soon. I can’t stand to watch another poor parent like this.”

Tiago wondered how she should feel due to the murder. It was the fourth one. It was expected.

She pinched herself. She should feel sad. She shouldn’t have felt like it was coming. She shouldn’t feel irregular. She should feel sad. Just like everyone else.

But in the corner of her brain, the darkest corner, she couldn’t help feeling like it was fair. Her child was taken away from her. It killed her to see happy parents taking their kids to school every morning. And it killed her to hear people pitying her, even though it happened 2 years ago.

Now someone else knows how it feels.

She couldn’t believe she had even thought that. She had been having these feelings for a while, but it was wrong to feel that way. She needed to get rid of the feelings. She needed to move on with her life and stop remembering her poor child.

But she couldn’t just move on. Her child was her pride and joy. After she passed away, all the happiness had been sucked out of her life. To ask her to move on was like asking someone to not breathe for 24 hours.

***

Just before Tiago went to bed that night, her ears started ringing. That reminded her of her promise to stop feeling the wrong way. But even after she concentrated on that, her ears kept ringing. She knew it was because she felt what she felt, and that couldn’t change.

***

The only person in Tiago’s life that she valued was her mother. But her mother lived in San Francisco. Way too far for her to console her every day. Besides, she was an adult.

She ignored the last part and called her mother.

“Tiago. Hi.” Her mother’s voice rang through the phone.

When Tiago had lost her daughter, her mother had lost her granddaughter. It was hard on her too. Not as hard as it was on Tiago, but hard enough.

“Hi, mom.” She couldn’t figure out what to say after that.

“Tiago…” Her mom said. “Why did you call?”

Tiago swallowed. “There was another murder yesterday. A 12-year-old girl named Haley Mackenzie.” She remembered from the newspaper article.

She felt her mother shake her head. “Goodness. Poor girl. Only 12.”

Tiago wondered if her mother remembered that Annie was only 10 when she died.

Tiago looked at her feet. “I don’t feel bad…”

Her mother didn’t speak for a while. “That’s okay. I can see why.”

Tiago nodded, but she didn’t agree. It wasn’t okay to feel like it was fair that someone else’s kid died. The negative feelings would win if it was okay.

I’ll fight the feelings.

It took her a second to realize that she had said that last part out loud.

“Not feeling bad isn’t something you can fight, Tiago.”

Tiago nodded. “Okay, thanks mom.”

After that, it felt like she was in an ongoing war with herself. Everything she thought felt wrong. Everything she did felt selfish, or cruel.

***

The women in the neighborhood tried their best to include Tiago in their conversations, but they didn’t need to.

It wasn’t because Tiago was fine with the way things were. She wasn’t. It was because Tiago didn’t want to talk. She hadn’t wanted to talk in a long while.

***

The days came and went. Each day was the same for Tiago.

Breakfast, shower, work, home, dinner, read, sleep.

That was all she did. She could have possibly done more, but she wouldn't remember.

Every time she fell asleep, she had a weird dream. It involved her and a killer. In the dream, each time, she was the one getting killed by a killer. Was that similar to grieving? Tiago pondered.

Each day, after she was done with work, she would start to do meditation and relaxing techniques, to clear her mind of bad thoughts. She couldn’t tell if it was working, but she kept doing it over and over again until she was sure the bad thoughts were gone.

But she didn’t feel any better after she was done relaxing her mind.

***

On the morning of Saturday, she was feeling extra down. But that had nothing to do with the fact that another little boy was murdered. Which meant her meditation hadn’t helped her at all. She wasn’t sure if that was the reason why she was feeling down, just that she hadn’t succeeded yet. She was careful not to say that she had failed. Not yet.

***

She sighed after she was done reading the new news article about the little boy. She got up from her couch and went to the kitchen to do the dishes. Once she reached the sink, she gasped and dropped the newspaper in her hand.

Her negative feelings had won. In fact, they made sense. She knew as soon as she took a peek at the dishes in the kitchen. She knew her short term memory was bad, but… This bad?

Tiago wasn’t the one witnessing the kill in her dream. She was the one murdering. And it wasn’t a dream at all.

She stared down, horrified at the bloody knife sitting in her sink. Could it be that she had forgotten all about her horrible actions?

It couldn’t just be, it was true. Tiago had been the cause of Haley Mackenzie’s death. And the little boy this morning. And all the little kids after that. As a way to deal with her own grief.

She had failed now. But now that she knew more about her feelings… About the devil on her shoulder… A psychotic smile spread across her face as she picked up the bloody knife and began cleaning it with saltwater.