I Remember You

I remember tiny pieces of why I could never let you go. Why you just had an unexplainable impact on my life. It’s been such a long time since I laid eyes on you but I can still remember what it felt like when your soul reached out and touched mine.

I remember turning to look at you and staring into those beautiful green eyes where all my hopes and dreams decided to reside. In those eyes I saw possibilities that perhaps a guy like you could fall for a girl like me. A girl broken and bruised, afraid to open up again. A girl who yearned for your affection. In those eyes I saw safety and trust. I remember holding your hand, feeling the warmth of your skin against mine and feeling my chest swell with such love I thought it would burst open; allowing all this love, all this want and warmth to escape into the big wide world. The warmth of your skin, the warmth of your eyes; I remember. I remember brief conversations about nothing’s and lengthy conversations about some things my mind has now forgotten. It is sad that time has stolen so much about you from me. I remember a time I could recall just about anything about you. The sound of your voice, the smell of your cologne, the way you said “sure” or how my tiny frame could just disappear in the folds of your massive Bodyguard frame. I remember never wanting to forget anything. I remember wanting to remember it all. Holding onto thoughts and memories of you like delicate petals of a rare bloom. You were my rare bloom. Then I remember the hurt and sorrow. I remember the lies, me begging for the truth. I remember you discarding my love, my heart, my soul as if it were nothing more than a used tissue paper. A piece of lint or dirt; of no use at all. I remember being ignored and neglected. I remember being a last choice not even second or third. I remember my heart breaking into a thousand pieces as I remember the truth about you. I remember you bringing out the best in me and then the worst in me. I remember shattered pieces of me scattered throughout the Universe as I remember you. I remember be wondering what I did to make you hurt me like you did. Was I not pretty enough, not smart enough? I know I hoped that a guy like you would fall for a girl like me; broken and torn but I never imagined a guy like you would break even more little pieces of me with no regard. I remember thinking how I did not see the signs. We’re there signs? Were there hints and red flags that my gullible mind neglected to decipher? Was I so blinded by the exterior that I ignored the stench rising from the darkness of your being? I remember thinking that a guy like you could never hurt a girl like me. I remember daydreaming endlessly about all that you and I could be. I’m remember smiling at the thought of you. Smiling and then; crying. Naïve and stupid girl. All that glitters is not gold because here you sit, broken hearted as you remember. Believing that a guy like that would never cause hurt and then; the shattering pieces of your heart echoed as a relentless reminder of what you remembered. What you failed to remember yet forgot. The signs, the red flags. Dazed and bedazzled by the exterior so gorgeous that you forgot to remember to look harder at the soul. If you remembered to look you would have seen the rot. The dark of the soul, the stench rising yet staying hidden. It’s not always gold. I remember. I remember wanting just a moment in your presence. Wanting for you to see me; want me like I so wanted you. Feeling let down and cast out because I was just not worthy of you. Lies, sorrows, hurts. I remember not seeing the signs, red flags. Were there red flags? Funny how time steals truth from me as I try after all these passing moments to remember the why or why. The me; the you. I remember your smile, the way you would laugh. I remember the things you said when you didn’t utter a word; I remember the truth of your deceit and the sweet bitter smell of your skilful manipulation. Manipulation I signed up to for, deceit I accepted. Hurt I welcomed, heartbreak I seemingly enjoyed. What a fool I was, what a fool I still am. Because even now I still wonder if you were real or if I had created you within my mind. To this day I still wonder if you are alright. Do you think of me fondly as I think of you fondly? Do you remember me as I remember you? Do you regret things left unsaid? Do you recall conversations we had, moments we shared? Do I cross your mind as often as you cross mine? When you remember do you regret causing me heartache, pain and sorrow? Do you in your heart whisper my name and ask for forgiveness? Or do you remember a gullible soul. Stupid and I love so easily manipulated. The silly girl you used, abused and discarded like a used tissue paper. Do you remember enjoying my pain with no remorse. Do you remember laughing at my pain, at me; the stupid silly girl. Gullible and ignorant. Putty in your hands as you crafted lies and fairy tales to blind and mislead me. Do you laugh at the thought of a guy like you falling for a girl like me. 

I remember the loss of you. How easily and readily you forgot all about me. I remember hurt, pain and sorrow. I remember heartache, heartbreak. I remember tears and sadness. I remember to forget as I had forgotten before. I remember that I remembered that I promised I would never remember. But still; I remember.