Message to a Friend

TUE AT 20:33

Hi Friend, I just wanted to let you know how happy I am that we were at such good terms recently. I know we have had a difficult time, but I feel like we are really getting there. When we are together, I can finally see a future for myself again. I feel strong and ready to take on the world. I finally have a sense of belonging. I am aware that I can be difficult to be around sometimes, but I am so grateful for your friendship and would really like to keep this going as it is.

WED AT 18:15

I am a bit confused now. Did I say or do something wrong? One moment you were there and everything seemed fine and then you just left. To be honest, I feel a bit left alone now. I can already feel something creeping up inside of me. These little nagging voices that are trying to get to me. I don’t know if I can withstand without you. Would you please just answer me? It would make me feel so much safer, if I knew you are still willing to be by my side and help me through this.

THU AT 9:48

Hi Friend? Seriously? Why did you leave me there all alone? AGAIN… Especially in a moment like this. This time I really needed you. You can’t just leave me on my own terms like this. You know how self-destructive I get. And still nothing? I feel really lonely. I have no idea who to turn to but you. I am scared and alone. I’m feeling stripped. Stripped from shelter. Stripped from strength. Stripped from myself. I can’t bare this anymore. Where are you?

THU AT 19:50

It seems like all ways to get hold of you are failing. I haven’t heard from you in a couple of days now and I am really worrying. I completely lost connection. Everything we had is slowly fading away. I can see it. Almost grab it. But I just miss it by an inch every time. Why don’t you just give me a sign that you are still there? This emptiness is crawling inside my chest again. It is slowly taking over my body. I am shivering. The thoughts in my head begin to tremble. I feel light-headed but so heavy at the same time. It feels like all structure in my brain is gone. My heart is pounding, yet I can’t feel any blood flowing through my veins. It is all getting dark again. I can feel it. I can feel myself decaying. It would help to know that there is still hope that you talk to me. Or is this it? Am I on my own now? You know I will be doomed.

FRI AT 17:23

Now it is like I’m floating. Floating close to the fear, to desperation. I am slowly drowning in my own mind. I am immersed in it. No, not immersed. I am surrounded. I am surrounded by my thoughts and my unbearable feelings. They are attacking me like relentless zombies, just craving for annihilation. They are everywhere, just piling up on me. I am getting smaller and smaller until I am just a small crumb on the floor.

SAT AT 08:47

I think the world is conspiring against me. I feel like a parasite. I feel like I’m just sucking other people’s energy. I’m a bug that everyone tolerates but no one wants to get too close or be infested. There is no place for me like this. Not without you by my side. You make me better, but you are nowhere to be found. I just want to hide now. Hide from the world. Hide from my thoughts and my feelings. I just want to stand still, just disappear, just for a little while until everything is better again. This constant battle is tiring me.

SAT AT 14:22

Hi Friend, now I made it worse, I know. And now I am all alone again. I don´t have you. I don’t have anyone. I have no idea where you are or where to find you. You just left without any warning. It is just so overwhelming right now. I don’t know which way is up or down. It is like being stuck in a cave that is collapsing. I was still able to see this little hole letting through daylight, leading me to the outside. But now the last stone has fallen. Leaving me in complete darkness. About to be crushed. About to crumble away myself.

SUN AT 15:30

Today I entered an even darker place. My heart is heavy, like star that is about to implode. It is just getting denser and denser until it implodes. I burst all my light out into space until nothing was left but a black hole. That’s how it feels. Slowly being sucked into a black hole with no return. The only thing I can hope for now is that there is actually a way out. It is not known if a black hole is leading to something, right? The black hole could in fact be a wormhole leading to another dimension. A different space. A different time. A different universe. Simply a better place to be. But it is not known yet. And before I know, the last spark of light will be taken from me as well.

TODAY AT 11:44

Dear Friend. I am so sorry to hear about how you felt. I really wanted to contact you as soon as I got your messages, but there was just no way to get through to you. You just didn’t hear me. Or you just didn’t listen. You know. I never really left. I was by your side the whole time. I observed everything. Your pain. Your desperation. Your suffering. The torture you had to endure. And yet everything you put upon yourself. Next time you feel like you lost connection, take a deep breath, try to feel inside yourself. Try to hear my guidance. I left little signs for you. Things and memories to remind you that I am there. It could be a song, a thought, a smile or just feeling. Try to catch these little moments. They will show you there is hope. It will always be you and me.