Four Little Words

“Will you marry me?”

Those four words have haunted my memory for the past four days. I told him I needed time to think. That’s understandable, right? I’d be saying yes to a lifetime commitment. And a huge one at that. I mean, I love him. Of course I do. How could I not? 

But anything could happen. So much could go wrong. 

What if I change down the road and he doesn’t want me anymore? What if he finds someone else who is better and leaves me for her? That’s what my dad did. The divorce almost destroyed my mom. She felt worthless for so long. 

I don’t want that to happen to me. 

Maybe it’s best to play it safe and not set myself up for failure. 

What am I saying? I love him. And he loves me. He wouldn’t have asked to marry me if he didn’t, right? Maybe he’s not like dad. Maybe this won’t be a failure. Maybe he really is my Prince Charming. He’s so sweet and kind. He’s thoughtful and considerate, and he’s never made me feel like I’m anything less than incredible. He’s essentially perfect. 

But I’m not. 

What if I’m not good enough for him in the long run? 

We’ve only been together for a year. What if that isn’t enough time for him to fully understand all the less-than-perfect things about me? 

What if — no. No.

Stop it. You can’t keep spiraling like this. Just… focus on work. The right answer will come to you eventually. He said you could have time to decide. You have time. 

Don’t panic. You don’t have to choose yet. 

The inner dialogue never seems to stop with me. It’s been like that ever since I was a kid. The constant tumbling of words and emotions in my head; never ending, never being completely clear, and never making things easier. And, of course, always making me indecisive because of the pros and cons sloshing around up there. I wish I could turn it off, I really do. But instead, I bury myself in work. Maybe not the best tactic, but hey, it’s all I’ve got. 

I shake my head in an attempt to clear it as the bus pulls to a stop, the brakes sounding an impressively ear-piercing whine that does nothing to improve my frantic thoughts. I stand up, fumbling with my bag as a few fellow commuters shove passed me to reach the door. 

All these people around me - they all have stories, don’t they? Individual people who have made unique choices that define their lives forever. What would they do? Would they say yes? I see the wrinkled woman in the corner seat with her nose buried in a newspaper. No wedding ring. Does she wish she was married? Nearing the front of the bus, I notice a wild-eyed young mother with a toddler and an infant making more noise than a jet engine taking off. Does she regret chaining herself to that responsibility so soon? Does she see her family as a chain or a blessing? 

I wish I could ask. I wish I knew if I was the only one who has no idea what to do with her life.

Two paths.  

Yes or no.

Two very different outcomes attached to each answer. 

STOP.

I take in a deep breath and step off the bus. I just need to focus on work right now. I’ve got a manuscript chock full of edits to go over with a client today. That should keep me busy. Focus. Focus on something that isn’t the raging emotions pulsing through my mind.

Simple. 

I walk up the front steps and through the giant glass double doors of Barkley&Barrett Publishing and wave good morning to Kelsey, my assistant. Her perky smile always makes me feel better, and today is no exception. Although she started out as just someone to help me organize my work life, we have become friends over the past year she’s been with me. 

“Hiya, Gwen! How was your weekend? Mine was great. It was so nice to have the three-day weekend. I got to spend every second with Brian! He’s so wonderful and nice and cute and oh my gosh, I so love him. But you know all about love, don’t you, Miss Engaged!” She wiggles her eyebrows at me conspiratorially, as if we share some sort of secret. 

Kelsey’s energetic word-spewing is, surprisingly, never annoying. The 20-something year-old girl is just so darn happy that you can’t help but love her. But today, her words touch on the one thing I am trying to avoid thinking about. 

“I’m not engaged, Kelsey. I haven’t said yes yet.” I hold up my left hand to indicate the absence of a ring. The one he chose had been beautiful. If I said yes, I would have him and the ring. A small bonus compared to how amazing he is, but still. 

Focus.

“Look, I’ve got a lot of wo—” 

“What?” Kelsey interrupts with a horrified look. “But Justin said he was going to ask you! He told me on Friday when he picked you up! He even showed me the ring. What went wrong? You love him, don’t you? And what do you mean, yet?”

I let out a sigh. Apparently, being at work is not going to help me get this whole situation off my mind. 

“I do love him. So much. Nothing went wrong. I just… needed time to think.”

Well, that came out a lot more confidently than I actually feel. 

Kelsey cocks her head at me, a small smile on her face. 

“You got scared, didn’t you?”

Ok, so maybe not confident enough to fool her. 

“I - yes.” I admit. I’m usually one to hold everything inside so as not to burden other people with my problems, but this is Kelsey. There’s just something about her. Maybe it’s the concern in her giant blue eyes or the way she takes her hands off the keyboard, ready to focus on me, but I find myself sagging against the desk, dropping my bag to the floor with a clunk. 

I tell her everything that is in my head. Pulling out all the stops. Kelsey listens without interruption as I tumble through, trying to put my jumbled thoughts into words. It only lasts a few minutes, but when I finally stop talking, I feel like I have released something huge. Maybe my therapist was right - talking about issues can help.

“I just don’t want to end up like my mom. Alone and broken.” I say, concluding with a deep sigh. 

Kelsey gives me a sad smile, her eyebrows slightly creased. 

“Have you talked to Justin about any of this?”

I don’t know what I expected her to say, but it wasn’t that. 

“Well, I - no, I haven’t.” I stutter. 

“It might seem hard, at first, to let him in on all of your insecurities about this, but I find that it always turns out for the better because of it. Complete honesty has saved Brian and I from a lot of unnecessary heartache.” 

She reaches up and put her hand on top of mine, which is still braced against the desk. 

“It seems like you’re pretty good at being honest with yourself, but you need to tell all of this to him. He deserves to know. Otherwise, you’re leaving him in the dark while you decide. Who knows what he could be thinking right now, trying to figure out why you’re still delaying?”

My eyes snap up to hers. I haven’t even thought about that. What if he thinks I’m putting off my answer because I don’t love him?

How could I be so selfish?

“Thank you, Kelsey. You’re right. I need to talk to him. Can you reschedule my meeting with Marianne? I won’t be able to focus on her novel until I’ve figured this out.”

Kelsey’s smile perks up. Had she ever stopped smiling, or had it just changed its style along with her emotions? Who knew she was such a deep person?

“Can do, boss lady!”

“Thank you.” I pick up my bag and start to walk back out the door. I pause with my fingers on the handle and look back. 

“And Kelsey?”

“Hmm?” She looks up from her computer.

“You’re a pretty wise kid, you know that?”

She laughs and flips her hair. 

“I know!” Her tone is mockingly haughty, but her grin tells me she heard the compliment. 

I push open the door and get hit with a brisk fall wind. Shivering, I pull my coat in closer and bring out my phone to call Justin. His office is only a few blocks down, so I start to walk. He answers on the second ring. 

“Hey babe!”

“Hi,” I answer, suddenly feeling very hesitant. No. You have to do this. Even if it’s uncomfortable. “Do you have a sec to talk? I’m on my way to your office right now.”

I can practically hear his smile over the phone. 

“Yes! I’ll meet you outside. I hope this means I’m about to get good news?”

I hesitate. Could I do this on the phone? It would be easier without having to see his face. 

No. Somehow, I know that Kelsey’s advice of having complete honesty extends to these kinds of conversations being in person. 

“Let’s just talk when I get there.”

“Ok!” Justin says, unfazed. “See you soon, babe.”

I hang up without replying. 

As I approach his building, my mind is racing with what I am going to say. How do I begin to tell the man I love that I’m not sure I want to marry him? How can I possibly phrase it so that he doesn’t think it’s because of anything he’s done? That’s the last thing I want. 

I almost turn around and go back to my office. I just need more time. Just a day or two more. He’ll understand, right?

Kelsey’s words echo in my head. It always turns out for the better because of it.

She’s right. Gosh darn it, Kelsey is right. 

I keep walking, a new determination undermining my fear. For once in my life, I need to choose to take action. Any action. 

The door to Justin’s office building opens and my heart skips a beat when he walks out. He sees me and smiles that big, dopey smile I love so much. 

“Hey Gwen!” He reaches out and pulls me into a hug. Without pausing to breathe, he asks, “Does this mean you’ve finally decided?”

I pull away cautiously. He must see the expression on my face because his falls. 

“Oh.” He mumbles, staring at the pavement. 

I start talking before I can chicken out. “I’m sorry, Justin, I just need more time. But I wanted to talk to you about what’s going on in my head. I can’t leave you in the dark.”

I take a deep breath. Justin opens his mouth to say something, but I hold up a hand. 

“No, please, let me say this. I just… I need to say this.” 

He closes his mouth and nods, just once, brows furrowed. 

“I’m scared, Justin. And I want you to know that it’s not because I don’t love you. I do. I love you so much. I just… well, you’ve seen what my parents’ divorce did to my mom. She’s been miserable for years and is only just starting to pull herself out of her despair. I know it might sound selfish, but I guess that’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t want to end up like her, so I feel like this is a big deal.”

I stop, searching his eyes for his reaction. When he speaks, his voice comes out very soft. 

“It is a big deal, Gwen. I’m asking you to marry me.” He runs a hand through his hair and looks somewhere over my shoulder. “I’m asking you to marry me, and you’re already thinking about divorce?” 

“No! I just - I don’t want to end up like my mom.” I sputter. This is not going well. 

His eyes focus on me again. “So you’ve said. But Gwen, your dad cheated on your mom. That’s why they divorced. Are you saying you’re expecting me to cheat on you?”

I hesitate, trying to gather my thoughts in a way so I can explain better. But Justin reads that hesitation in an entirely different way. 

“You do! You think I’m going to cheat on you!” He is sounding angry now. Understandable, I suppose. I start to panic. 

“I just meant that I’m scared you’re going to find someone better and you’ll want her instead!”

Ok, so that probably didn’t help things. I open my mouth to make it better, somehow, but Justin is ready with his next words. 

“No, that’s it, isn’t it? You don’t trust me. Gwen, I’ve asked you to marry me, and you can’t even trust that I mean that! I want you; I picked you. How can you think I would ever want to pick someone else over you? That’s why you’ve been taking so long to answer, isn’t it? Look, Gwen, when you love someone, it’s simple. There is mutual trust and love. I understand needing a little time, but this? This is what you needed time for?”

I start to feel tears prick my eyes. There must be something I can say to fix this. To make him see. 

“Justin, please.” That’s all that comes out. So much for saying the right thing. 

The betrayal in his eyes is too much to take. I glance away, but his next words bring my full attention back to his face. 

“I don’t know if I can do this, Gwen.”

“What?” My cry is half shriek and half whine. Pathetic. How am I managing to make this worse every step of the way?

“I just,” Justin begins, closing his eyes and rubbing his forehead. “I don’t know if I can be with someone who doesn’t trust me like that. I mean, how can we be married if you’re always worried I’m going to leave you?”

He studies me then, his eyes pleading with me to say something that will make this right. What that is, I don’t think either of us know. 

I open my mouth, then close it again. I know that, at this point, any argument I offer will just sound feeble. So, I settle for the one thing I know is true; the thing he can’t misunderstand. 

“I love you, Justin.”

His shoulders droop. “I love you too, Gwen, but I think I need some time to mull this over, okay?” 

I nod, knowing there is nothing I can do. 

I stand there on the sidewalk, people busting around me without even a passing glance, and watch Justin trudge back inside. Half of me wants to scream. The other half wants to cry. But I can’t do either. I just stand there, staring at the place where he had been. 

Was this what Kelsey meant? How was this turning out for the better? If I hadn’t said anything, maybe he would still be here. My way had been working, hadn’t it? Why did I have to say anything to him?

No matter how much I try to blame Kelsey, I know it isn’t her fault. It's my own. 

I’d spent too long deciding on what to do, and for entirely the wrong reasons, and I’d ended up pushing him away. 

All that is left is to wait and hope that Justin can forgive me. 

I never thought that my inability to choose one way or the other could end up making my choice for me.