Dem Dam Dogs

"I've never liked dogs," I told my therapist.

Here I was, a forty-year-old man and I was in counselling because a couple of dogs barked and lunged at me. I was literally scared shitless by it. I couldn't go on like this and needed help.

Rewind several years to me as a young child. My most vivid memory was of me, my brothers and Mum out for a day at the park. A dog was running around barking and jumping up on folk. I was a bit scared so I tried to stay away from it, however, it sensed my fear and started running towards me. I shouted to my mum and she told me to run to the climbing frame, climb to the top and I would be ok. The dog was at the bottom going mental barking up at me and running round and around the climbing frame. Eventually, the owner came and took the dog away.

I asked Mum why I was scared while my brothers weren't and she told me I'd been bitten when I was younger. I remembered instances now where I was out with Mum and she'd said "Oh there's a dog, quick cross over the road." This behaviour stayed with me as I was growing up.

I avoided situations or places where I knew dogs would be. I would always look for places nearby that I could climb to get out of danger.

By my mid-twenties, I was very good at avoiding dogs and that's how I lived my life.

There were a few key instances that happened in my life to reinforce my fear of Man's Best Friend. I always thought that was a strange phrase because that's definitely not how I viewed them.

The first was the climbing frame incident. That's the one that really set me off.

Another encounter was at my girlfriend's house. I had visited her a few times and got on well with her brother and parents. On one occasion though a cousin visited them and what did she bring with her? That's right a bloody dog. I started to panic because it was barking a lot so they put it in the kitchen out of the way. I told my girlfriend how scared of dogs I was, she laughed and told me not to be stupid. I was told I just needed to make friends with it. We went into the kitchen and her cousin was holding the dog and asked me to put my hand out and let him sniff and lick it to get my scent.

Well, it lunged at me barking like mad so I went back to the living room. The dog had calmed down so it was let out of the kitchen. It promptly came and sat at my feet and just looked at me. This intensified my anxiety, my palms were sweating and my heart rate was getting faster. I raised myself ready to jump up and run, it just raised its head and growled at me. This was a disaster how could I get away from it. Every time I moved it just growled.

I decided to make a bolt for the bathroom and lock the door. I suddenly leapt off the sofa and ran for it, locking the door as I went into the bathroom. The dog was going mental at the other side of the door. I was shaking with fear and trying to calm myself down, telling myself to get a grip. The dog was put in the kitchen once again, I came out of the bathroom and told my girlfriend that I was off home.

That sent me back to my childhood, all those years of avoidance, and BANG, back to square one.

I ended up buying a home with my girlfriend in another town. We were car sharing so I would walk or cycle to work. No 'biggie' it was only about a mile and a half. On one of these walks to work I heard dogs barking so was immediately on alert. No vicious beasts could be seen so I hurried my pace, rounded a corner and froze. There in front of me about 100 yards away were two collies barking at and chasing each other. I had nowhere to go, I was on a narrow country lane with no pavements and more importantly no trees. I slowly backed away, went back along the road and took another route to work. This added a further mile and a half to my walk.

I started my avoidance tactic and went the long way to work for months after that. I'd get up earlier than usual just to build time in so I wasn't late for work. My rational brain was saying that I was an arsehole for not confronting my fear but my perceived fear was greater than that.

On one occasion I slept through the alarm and was running late so I would have to cycle to work and it would have to be by the quickest route. Yes, that's right, past dem dam dogs. I jumped on my bike and set off. On the approach to the corner, I was listening for them and heard nothing. I relaxed a bit but was still vigilant.

Then disaster struck. The two of them appeared out of nowhere barking and running towards me. I had no option but to speed up and just 'go for it'. I pedalled like mad, my legs were going ten to the dozen, my heart was racing and I was gasping for breath. I shot past them and they set off in pursuit barking and growling. I got round the next corner and looked back to see where they were. They were at the corner just standing there and I was convinced that they were looking at each other and laughing at me.

That was the last straw. I couldn't live my life like this any longer. That's when I decided to get some professional help.

Weeks of therapy helped. Near the end of it, my therapist started introducing the idea of me meeting his dog. Oh god, that got me going just thinking about it. However, that's what I was paying him for, to rid me of my fear.

He started by having his dog behind the receptionist's desk, held in place by a leash. I was nervous at first but it didn't even bat an eyelid as I passed through his reception area. A couple of visits later he brought the dog into the room. Not gonna lie but I was a bit apprehensive, to say the least. The dog never even looked at me and just sat at my therapist's side. Gradually I relaxed and he asked if I'd like to clap him. I really didn't want to but I really did want to. He brought his dog over and it sniffed my hand so I reached out and patted his head. He never flinched or barked and I felt really good at having done it. We had a few more sessions with the dog present, the culmination of that being his dog snuggled up beside me on the sofa.

He explained that dogs were like humans in a way and the two collies I'd encountered were windup merchants. They probably weren't going to do me any harm and did it to get a reaction from me.

For the next 20 years or so I was still wary of dogs but I could walk past them without breaking out into a sweat. I got really good at assessing whether they were a threat or not.

The culmination of my journey was when I was 60 and had just retired. My wife announced that we were dog-sitting for a friend of hers when they were away on holiday. I wasn't sure, however, she and the owner said they would introduce me to the dog first. That went really well as he was a canny dog, didn't bark and was very obedient. I was OK with taking him for two weeks.

The big day arrived and Findlay came on his holidays to ours. He was a great wee dog and I enjoyed spending time with him, on my own and with my wife. He even got to snuggle up with me on the sofa and my wife took a picture. She sent it to her pal, just so they weren't worrying about him. We would take him away for walks to different places and did form a good bond with him. It was not all sweetness and light though. There were a couple of early morning walks in the rain ….. oh and the picking up of poo, I never really got into that.

After his holiday it was a bit weird saying goodbye to him, however, it made my wife and I agree that a dog wasn't right for us at that time. Not due to my fear, it was gone by then, but due to the lifestyle we had.

Am I scared of dogs now? No. Am I still wary of dogs? Yes, however, it doesn't rule my life like it used to.