WHEN BIRTH BRINGS DESTRUCTION

How your world falls apart, when you bring this new soul into the world. Life as you know it is thrown out of the window.

Sleep becomes a cherished luxury, counting the number of hours that you had and wondering if it is possible to catch them up somewhere in the day. When you buy a rocker in the hope that, your child would sleep so that you can rest. When you watch your child in the rocker and you pass out on the bed before he is even asleep. When your desperation for sleep results in the breast being shoved in his mouth so that you both can sleep. When you feel like a zombie all alone at home walking him in the pram in the hope he would fall off to sleep anywhere else but your tired arms.

Where you previously did things as and when you pleased, it now becomes a scheduled novelty. To finish a cup of tea in one sitting or while it is still warm is miraculous. Your agenda is not your agenda. Quite nights pierced by longing cries. The feeling of helplessness when you cannot console this remarkable creation when they cry and you cannot figure out why. The stabbing pain that the letdown reflex brought with it at breast feeding time. The sore, raw nipples that made you question if you could do this and ask why it is so difficult when it is supposed to be the natural process. Where you thought you controlled your life in most instances and you find yourself at the mercy of a little human’s beck and call. When you have to learn to move with impeccable stealth to get away from the bed to see to other things and hope you do not wake him. When you desperately need the bathroom but their thought of you being away from them for a few minutes results in uncontrollable crying and screaming and having to endure the drama for fear of doing the natural bodily functions wherever you may be in that moment.

The walls came crumbling down all around, and it did so quickly. Yet it needed to crumble, to get to the foundation which longed and needed to be ripped apart……for a new foundation to be born. I gave birth to you yet your birth gave me rebirth, a new opportunity.

I learnt with your arrival how precious time is. You taught me the love and joy I could experience from the little giggles and gurgles. My eyes opened for the first time to the possibility of a better version of me. A version that realized that when I focused on what I wanted I become more resourceful. How truthful innocence is. How important it was to take care of myself before I could remotely take care of another human. How to quench my thirst for knowledge and understanding of a limitless life. How to love singing even though I hated the sound of my voice, yet it soothed you to sleep. To feel your precious heartbeat with mine as you slept in your most preferred spot, on my chest. The different voices that came out of my mouth when we read at night in bed.

Learning to let go of my daily agendas because I realized you could sense my anxiety and restlessness lying in bed together waiting for you to sleep so that I could open up my laptop and continue working. I learnt to breathe, truly breathe, with you, matching my breath with yours settled me and settled you and you fell asleep in the comfort and peace that I felt in those moments. It was as if you were telling me: “Mummy, let go”.

I learnt to dance, to dance and sing as if no one was watching with just you and me in the dark as I made you sleep. I learnt how important touch was with your joy and peace from having your hair stroked and back rubbed while you were drifting to sleep. I became a much-loved jungle gym, rolling and frolicking on the floor, entwined with each other so full of laughter and joy, I learnt to laugh so hard, so often, something I must have given up being this serious adult. I gave up being self-conscious of my body so that we could bask in the fun of the water you loved so much, splashing around as you learnt to swim. I began to appreciate the little things through your fascination and curiosity of them, watching the rain, the birds and the trees moving with the wind.

I learnt to say “NO” and understand what was important for me. I started understanding myself better and had more clarity of my life. I became more efficient, smarter and more courageous. I learnt that it is OK to fail, because I was learning, learning about life and me and I was growing, I was growing with you, the best partner to have beside me. You were the wind beneath these broken wings that have been healing and restoring with each precious moment experienced together.

Acceptance, ahhhhh, what a beautiful gift compared to the anger and frustration of wanting to control everything. I understood that there was no shame in saying I need help and accepting it when it was offered. I realized I was not alone. I saw the beauty in God’s divine creations through an innocent soul entrusted to me who wiped away the illusions that clouded my view. It was replaced always by a lens bathed in love as pure as only the love of a newborn can bring.

Thank you. Thank you for choosing me. For preparing me for your brother and sister. For breaking me so that I could rebuild with you by my side. You have been a teacher, an unexpected one that peeled back the layers that were glued so strongly to reveal my true essence that I had spent years hiding. Hiding behind fear, doubt and uncertainty. Thank you for birthing my truth.