ROOT

(Trigger Warning: Mental Health, Suicide, Self Harm, Substance Abuse)

Normal kids love summer break, but I dread it. This summer, anyway. Too much time alone and—well, I ought not to think about that. I blow out a long breath and flip open my locker, the last flakes of green paint cling to it in defiance. One last day of classes to distract me from my miserable life.

My phone buzzes, the ten minute warning bell rings in five, and Reed’s not here yet. He insisted I wait for him by my locker this morning, so I pop open the small cubby above my main locker, grab my algebra book, and admire the cover one last time. The brown paper wrapping the book sports doodles upon doodles inked in throughout the school year, ninety-nine percent of them drawn while thinking about Maddison Beckett. Not in a leering way, although she’s pretty for certain. It stems back to that one day in eighth grade. The time she sat next to me in homeroom instead of with her friends. When she asked if I was okay. I wasn’t.

The evening before she did that still haunts my mind. My dad came home from Len’s Bar and pounded on the front door, waking me and mom. I’m the one that opened the unlocked door and let him in. My sister—Tara—pretended to sleep through the door pounding drama and the rest of the night. I know she didn’t. Dad’s a yeller.

The drunk bastard blamed me for him parking the car half off the driveway and at a weird angle, screaming at me to move my damn bike and keep it in the garage. It was. Despite being plastered more than usual, he somehow made it home without hitting another car or a tree or the plentiful deer. Dad plowing into a white oak going sixty miles per hour without a seat belt would’ve been a welcome change. How he doesn’t end up in jail each night counts as an unfortunate miracle. But there’s a critical shortage of city police right now. Moving to small town Minnesota apparently lacks a certain appeal. Too bad for me.

As for Maddie now, no way I’m letting her anywhere near my family. Like she’d hang with me, anyway. That day in eighth grade, probably long forgotten in her avalanche of good deeds. Maddie does caring stuff like that for everyone. She’s like Reed Dorouch—my best friend—in that way. There when needed.

Reed doesn’t know it, but him and me hanging out, making videos or board games or playing D&D through these past years saved me. His parents showed me what a family ought to be. The drunk dad, enabling mother, and lost sister I got stuck with haven’t. Being anywhere near my den of dysfunction, taking the blame for everything, they’re not worth it. I spend as little time as possible with them. But where to hide after today? Reed and his family intend to spend the entire damn summer up north at his grandparent’s cabin. My other friends, Will and Derik, it’s just not the same with them. Their parents work with mine at the boat works and they ain’t thrilled when I come over.

 Maddie’s mom works there too. At least she doesn’t give me that disgusting kid of an alcoholic look. She’s nice, like her daughter. To spend time with Maddie would—no—she doesn’t need any part of my messed up world. A person that phenomenal deserves better than me.

A howl from Reed breaks my pity party and he hip checks me into Fran Miller’s locker, one down from mine. “Hey Alt. Geez, dude, you look defeated already. It’s about this summer, right? I have to bud. My grandpa doesn’t have long now, the cancer’s spread from the liver to everywhere.”

“Man I’m sorry. I get it. But it’ll suck around here without you.”

“You could do something about that bud.” He nods down the row of lockers to a bank of them thirty feet away, slaps me on the shoulder, and heads towards his locker in the next stack over. The rubber on his new Mizuno Waves squeaking the whole way.

Without even looking, I’m sure Reed nodded at Maddie. He’s the only person who knows how I feel about her and how hard I’ve worked not to. Hell, I asked out Brenda Wiseman and Carly Stewart this year just to get my mind off Maddie. Brenda said ‘no’ way too quick and Carly, well, at least she thought about it. She had a crush on me in grade school, when valentine’s cards were innocent and telling. Before dad started crushing beers until close every night. In the end, Carly didn’t want a project.

Maddie not having a boyfriend doesn’t help and also mystifies me. Granted, her older sister—Chloe, a senior—being a lesbian likely has something to do with it. If you’re not hetero in this backwater town on the Mississippi River, you and your family hear about it. This place is horrifically Catholic, and not the enlightened variety. There’s other churches too, but it’s all variations on a theme around here. The adults so want it to be the 1950s.

So, me being anywhere near her family makes her situation worse. My eyes close, I inhale deep, and hold it as my heart does its damndest to bludgeon my chest. As my lungs demand air, the darkness rooted in my mind fades, and I dare to open my eyes. Maddie stands in front of her friend Lilia’s locker, arms crossed about her chest to secure her history book and a spiral-bound notebook. A shutter climbs my spine as her deep brown eyes meet mine.

My math book slips from my hands, a front corner crushing against the linoleum—that’ll cost me. The book was brand new. I snatch it up and catch Maddie suppressing a laugh—no—she’s fighting back a smile. Not one of those your useless grimaces my family offers me either. Maddie’s grin is sheepish and her cheeks redden. Great. She’s embarrassed for me. Dad’s right, I’m worthless.

But why not take a chance? I’m running out of time and at least she noticed me. Reed’s right, like usual. I ought to talk to her and then I’ll know for sure. My breath stutters and hands shake as I walk towards Maddie.

Her eyes go round, face turns a deep crimson, and she scratches one of her crossed forearms with her opposite hand. Jesus Alt, just keep walking, go right past her, spare her the trouble and embarrassment.

A breeze of blond hair and stale smoke dressed in jeans and a Violent Femmes tee blows past me and right to Maddie. Lilia Maewoski and Maddie have been each other’s shadows since before kindergarten. Except for the time when Lilia dated a douchy senior and started smoking. The guy didn’t last because, while Lilia’s wild, she ain’t easy and the idiot also insisted on calling her Lia. She found the smoking way more difficult to quit than him. The girl chews nicotine gum like mad and not enough based on this morning’s smell. Now she’s blathering five hundred words a second at Maddie, accompanied by twice as many hand gestures.

Lilia’s alright, though, and she just saved me from further embarrassment. Even if Maddie were insane enough to go on a date with me, no way she’d agree to a second. It’s tough to hide your family from the world. Especially when one of them appears in the town gazette’s police section for DWI.

As I turn to find a free seat in the open cafeteria/study hall space behind, Maddie’s eyes flick to me again. Is she mortified or angry? Regardless, Lilia’s hands keep flailing about, drawing back Maddie’s attention. Maybe it’s best I head to the math department early. No danger of drama there.

The ten-minute bell clangs in three short bursts, silencing Lilia for a second. Maddie glances my way again, offering me a half-smile, almost apologetic. Lilia taps Maddie’s forehead with her index finger and then continues her tragic rambling. It was dumb to even think about asking Maddie out.

I angle for the brick-lined hallway, math text in a death lock. No need to rack up more book fines. Reed’s locker sits near the hallway’s wide entrance and he waves at me, points back toward Maddie, and raises his eyebrows. I shrug and Reed stabs the air as he points to Lilia’s locker. I peek over my shoulder. Maddie turns in my direction and Lilia throws her hands up and huffs.

“Alton Gill get your ass over here, now,” says Lilia.

Maddie’s face goes scarlet and everyone within ten yards turns to watch. She picks at the cuff of her long-sleeve tee—a Pixies retro print. Well crap, no escaping this now. I walk over, eyes fixed on Lilia, not wanting to embarrass Maddie further.

“Listen you two, Reed and I don’t have time for subtlety anymore. He’s going up north for the summer and I’m spending mine with my cousin Ginny in New York to learn about acting auditions.”

Maddie raises her eyebrows and scrunches her lips to one side.

“Mads don’t. I love you like a sister, but I knew you’d freak out about it. Besides, we didn’t think it’d take this long. Did we Reed.”

“No doubt.” Reed’s impish smile grows as he strides up beside Lilia, nodding for her to continue.

“Alt and Mads, you two talk and figure out whatever this is.” Lilia tugs at Reed’s arm and they stroll to his locker where she drags him into an animated conversation about who knows what.

Maddie transfixes me with doe eyes and a sucked in smile. Alright Alt, find a gram of courage.

“Maddison.”

“Call me Maddie. You prefer Alt or Alton?”

“Alt. What sort of parents name a kid Alton?”

“Parents can be cruel, unintentional or not.”

“Yeah.” At least she understands one aspect of my crap life. My head hangs and I stare at the scuffed up toes of my Merrell hikers. This isn’t right. To even ask her is too much. Why ruin her summer? She doesn’t need my toxic spill of a life to taint hers. Maybe I’ll ask her next school year, if I make it through the summer.

“Alt, look at me. Yeah?”

Her eyes are glassy, and her lips pull tight. A strand of her raven hair, curly and long, falls across her left eye. As Maddie’s finger swipes the rogue hair behind her ear, she grabs my hand with her other. A jitter runs up my arm and down my spine. Her delicate hand is warm and soft, and I catch the faintest scent of lavender and coconut.

“I know it’s old fashioned, but I need you to ask me,” she says.

“It’s just—”

“Times running out and you know my answer.”

“My family’s all kind of f’d up. You don’t want any part of that.”

Her hand squeezes mine tight. She’s stronger than she looks, much stronger.

“Alt, everyone knows your Dad’s a drunk and that your mother refuses to deal with it. My mom works two floors up from yours at the boat works. They talk occasionally, your mom and mine, and my mother shares everything with my dad during dinner, so I hear it. My mom shouldn’t say anything, but she does. So, I kinda understand what’s going on with you. Not all of it for certain, but some.”

“It doesn’t—”

“Let me talk for minute. Yeah? Point is, I’m scared for you, not of you.”

I glance at the doodles on the cover of my math book.

“Damit Alt, look at me. Everybody in this miserable town has crap to deal with. Reed’s grandpa’s dying, Lilia’s running away to New York for the summer to ignore the drama of her parent’s pending divorce. She doesn’t think I know. Our secret, yeah?”

I nod. She rubs her elbow with one hand while her other clutches her book tight to her chest.

“My life’s far from wonderful too ya know. My parent’s can’t handle my sister liking girls. And they pile the Catholic guilt on her and me because of it. It terrifies them just to think that I might be queer too. They ask me about having a boyfriend every f’ing day. I almost went on a date with Eric Gilmore over winter break just to have a day or two without their nagging. But that’s not fair to Eric. Ya understand why, right?”

“I don’t think I’m what your parents envisioned.”

“Christ. Carly said you were pretty messed up, but—”

“Since when do you talk to Carley?”

“I don’t, not much anyway. Thought you two—she’s had a crush on you since fourth grade and the valentine thing. Carly kinda freaked when you asked her out because she’s tight with her folks and her dad’s a cop. He’s arrested your father more than once. She had to say no, but it also tore her up to do it. Crushes die hard sometimes.”

“Why tell me?”

“Wanted you to realize it wasn’t about you, not really. You’re a good guy Alt. You’re family’s not your fault. Yeah?”

The five minute warning bell rings harsh and unforgiving. The clangs scatter about the cafeteria and rows of lockers before finding a quick death. I wish to find that too sometimes.

My gaze roams to avoid Maddie’s and I lock onto Reed. Lilia is still talking at him, her arms doing their crazy dance. He gives a curt nod towards Maddie and raises one eyebrow. Lilia spins halfway around, wipes the hair out of her face, and crosses her arms. Maddie’s head shakes as her gaze finds her white canvas Keds.

What the hell is my problem? She’s right here and I’m running out of time this morning. This summer. This life.

My hand brushes hers, light and fleeting. Maddie raises her head. Her lips tremble and those dark eyes reflect the warm light streaming through the glass atrium that fronts the school. I suck in a deep breath and hold it for a dozen of the rapid thumps in my chest.

“Maddison Beckett would you like to go out with me?”

Her top teeth press into her bottom lip. She rubs her upper arms with crossed hands and gives a delicate nod.

“Really?”

A laugh bursts between her lips. “Yeah, silly. My parents might even approve.”

“Wonder what that’s like?”

“You’re not the only one.” She pulls a pen from the metal spiral of her notebook. “There’s something about you and me. How about we find out what, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

As Maddie pulls my hand close to her, she smiles so wide it makes my jaw hurt. She turns my hand palm up and writes her phone number on my skin with a purplish-blue ink. “Call me tonight, after seven. We’ll be done with dinner by then, even if there’s sister drama. She invited her girlfriend over last night. That didn’t go well.”

The two-minute warning bell clangs. Maddie rises onto her tiptoes and plants a quick peck on my cheek. I rub the spot with two fingers as she disappears within the throng of students hurrying up to the second floor.

I head down the hall towards the math department. The squeak of linoleum underfoot replaced by the scuff of industrial carpet. Lilia hustles up beside me and links her arm through mine.

“Don’t break her heart Alt. That girl’s troubled, but she’s the sweetest person ever.”

“Not my intent. Besides, a little happiness sounds good.”

“For her too. Her parents being on her because of her sister’s stuff really got to her over winter break and it got real bad towards the end of January. The meds help some though.”

“Meds?”

“Fuck me. She didn’t tell you?”

Words seize in my throat. A minute shake of the head my lone response.

“Shit. She promised me. I’m sorry Alt, but you can’t abandon her now. Reed and I thought you’d be good for each other this summer. While we’re gone.”

“Lilia just tell me.”

“You ever notice she wears long sleeves, even when it’s hot out like today.”

“I thought she was one of those people that’s cold all the time. My mom’s like that.”

“It’s to hide the scratches and gouges.”

“From what?”

“Her finger nails, metal nail files, tweezers, like that. No knives though.”

“She’s doing it to herself?”

“Yes. She has a psychiatric thing called Somatic Delusional Disorder. It makes her think that parasitic beetles are laying eggs under her skin. Her arms mostly. I read about it after she told me. It’s really rare, especially at our age.”

“I didn’t—”

“Nobody does, except her family and me and Reed. She takes Clozapine for it, gets blood tests every week, that and the psychotherapy helps.”

“Wait. Reed? You two?”

“God no. I’d ruin that boy scout. He and I worked together so we wouldn’t have to worry about you two all summer.”

“You used Maddie and me to feel better about going to New York to escape your parents divorce. Reed really went along with it?”

The class bell rings.

Lilia pulls me to a halt, tears threatening to spill. “Shit, guess Mads knows. You’re not the only one with problems at home. It’s time to grow up and realize that everybody uses everybody. And, yeah, I want to know my best friend is cared for when I’m gone. Reed wants the same for you. Besides, you two didn’t exactly object earlier.”

“Lilia—”

“Hey, we need to get to class. Take care of Maddie and yourself this summer. For some reason that girl likes you, so don’t fuck it up.”