Rain Spirits

Rain Spirits

I was walking along a wooded trail near my home, when dark clouds started to form above my head. It started to rain through the trees, and puddles of liquid began to form at my feet. It was a good thing I remembered to bring my umbrella. A bolt of lightning fractured the sky with a burst of light, and as this happened, a glowing silhouette appeared in front of me. The figure appeared to be in the shape of my adoptive father.

“Is that you dad?” I asked curiously.

“Yes,” a voice replied.

“What are you doing here?” I asked with great surprise. “You died.”

“I came to see how you were doing,” he replied.

“I could be better,” I said.

“Why is that?” he asked.

“Well, because a lot of things didn’t turn out the way I imagined they would,” I replied.

“Like what?” he asked.

“Everything really,” I replied. “You know, my career, my marriage, my family, my whole life really.”

“What did you expect you life to be like?” he asked.

“I don’t know, just different, I suppose,” I replied.

“Different how?” he asked.

“I don’t know, better in some way,” I replied. “I just thought I’d be happier and more satisfied at this point.”

“Is that what you really want?” he asked.

“I don’t know - maybe,” I replied.

“What happened with your first wife?” he asked. “She was pretty and seemed very nice. She and I got along very well.”

“I don’t know dad,” I replied. “We just weren’t compatible in the end. I rushed into marrying her, thinking she might be my only chance to be happy, but maybe that was the problem.”

“How do you mean?” he asked.

“The problem may have been that I was only thinking of myself when I got married, and whether I would be happy or not,” I replied. “I didn’t think enough about my wife’s happiness.”

“You may have a point son,” he said.

“What about your children?” he asked.

“Well, that’s another sore subject,” I replied.

“How do you mean?” he asked.

“I mean I didn’t give them a happy and stable life because I was selfish,” I replied. “I’m sure that because of the divorce and constantly having to move and change schools, they had a hard time.”

“Well, your life growing up was very stable, but you weren’t a very happy child in spite of that,” he said.

“That’s true, I wasn’t very happy” I replied.

“Are your kids happy now?” he asked.

“Actually, I think they are,” I replied. “Happier than I was at their age, I think.”

“Well, there you go; what are you complaining about,” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “I guess I just thought I would be a better father.”

“You mean better than me?” he asked.

“Yes, better than you,” I replied.

“Why did you want that?” he asked. Do you think I was a bad father?”

“In some ways yes, because you were never there for me; you never really tried to get to know me, and you were always so cheap, and often yelled at me because I made you late for church,” I replied. “And, you always sat upstairs in your old rocking chair saying your rosary, when there were arguments going on downstairs. You never did anything to keep the peace.”

“Maybe, I was trying to teach you to work things out for yourselves,” he said.

“Maybe, you were just avoiding your responsibility,” I replied.

“Perhaps,” he said.

“Do you think you are a better father?” he asked.

“No, not really,” I replied.

“It’s not easy - is it,” he said.

“No, it’s not,” I replied.

“Do you have any regrets?” I asked.

“No, not really,” he replied.

“I wish I could say the same,” I said.

“Well, I have to go now son, but it was nice chatting with you,” he said.   

“Do you have to go already?” I asked.

“Yes son, it’s time,” he replied.

“Okay then, it was good to talk to you,” I said. “Will you come to see me again?”

“I’m not sure I can, but if not, I think you’re going to be okay,” he said.

“You think so?” I asked.

“I know so,” he replied.

“How do you know?” I asked.

“Because I taught you self-reliance,” he replied.

“Good-bye son,” he said.

“Good-bye dad,” I replied. “Thanks for the pep-talk.”

“You’re welcome son, and remember not to be so hard on yourself,” he said.

“I’ll try dad,” I replied.

           My father’s image faded away, so I continued to walk further. It was still raining. A second lightning strike lit up my path, followed by a very loud crackling of thunder, like the fourth of July. Suddenly, another shining silhouette appeared in front of me. I didn’t recognize the image this time.

“Who are you?” I asked.

         “I’m your birth mother,” she replied.

         “Oh wow, hello mother,” I said with great surprise. “It’s so nice to finally meet you.”

         “I’m sorry I had to give you up son; I didn’t want to, but I was forced to,” she said sadly.

         “I’m sorry you had to mom,” I said. “I would have liked to have known you.”

         “How was your childhood?” she asked.

         “It wasn’t bad,” I replied. “I ice-skated a lot, had good friends, and I did okay in school.”

         “How about your family - were they nice?” she asked.

         “Well, sometimes, but not always,” I replied.

         “How do you mean?” she asked.

“Well, my father didn’t speak much, and when he did, he was often angry,” I replied. “It’s a good thing he didn’t drink much; otherwise things could have been much worse. My mother was okay, but she was always pushing me to do things I didn’t want to do - not like going to school or doing my homework or anything like that. I mean she wanted me to be what she wanted me to be, and it wasn’t always what I wanted.”

“I see, and how about siblings - do you have any? What were they like?” she asked.

“Well, I had a brother and a sister growing -up. My sister died, but she was an artist, and mainly spent time with herself or friends,” I replied. “She didn’t play with me much, and she wasn’t very nice to me a lot. She was bi-polar, I think. You never knew when she would fly off the handle. It often seemed like she was tormented about something, so I tried to stay away from her most of the time.”

“How about your brother?” she asked.

“Well, my brother didn’t like me very much either - he always seemed jealous of me,” I replied.

“Why do you think he was jealous?” she asked.

“Probably because I was better looking, more talented at singles skating and baseball, and my mom favored me, because I was the youngest,” I replied.

“Oh, I see,” she said.

“Mom, did you miss me?” I asked.

“Of course I did dear - every day,” she replied. “I’m very sorry we couldn’t meet while I was alive.”

“I’m sorry too mom,” I said. “I tried to find you for a long time, but I was only able to see my original birth-certificate last year, after New York State opened up their records. By that time, it was too late - I found out by talking with your other children that you had already been dead for eight years.”

“It’s too bad lawmakers have been so narrow minded about adoption records,” she said. “Everyone has the right to know who adopted their children, and the children have the right to know their real birth parents. People are so afraid of their own shadow, and don’t have the courage to face their past.”

“Yes, I believe that’s true,” I said.

“How are you doing now mom - what’s Heaven like?” I asked.

“I’m doing okay son - Heaven isn’t as great as people think it is,” she replied.

“Why is that?” I asked.

“Well, because my children aren’t with me there yet, of course,” she replied. “And, do you know what else?”

“What mom?” I asked.

“Life on earth can be like Heaven or Hell - it depends on what you make of it,” she replied.

“I think you’re right mom,” I said.

“Take care now, okay - I love you son,” she said. “It was so good to have the chance to finally meet and talk to you.”

“I love you too mom,” I said. “I loved talking to you too.”

“Do you have to go already?” I asked. “We just met.”

“Yes dear; I’m sorry,” she replied. “I will try to contact you again, if the opportunity presents itself, okay.”

“Okay mom, thanks. It was really great to have had this chance to connect!” I said.

“Yes it was wonderful son,” she said. “Goodbye dear.”

“Goodbye mom,” I replied.

And then, just as suddenly as she appeared, she was now gone too. I felt a strange sense of loneliness come over me, but I kept walking along the trail in the rain in spite of how I was feeling, not knowing what to expect next. Then, I came across a fork in the road, and I wasn’t sure which way to go, when a third flash of lighting illuminated the forest, and another silhouette appeared before me.

“Vonnie, is that you?” I shouted in disbelief.

“Yes Alex, it’s me,” the voice replied.

“Oh my God Vonnnie, I’ve missed you so much! I shouted. Do you have any idea what I have gone through since you chose to take your own life?”

“Yes, and I’m sorry for that Alex,” she replied.

“But, why Vonnie - why did you do it?” I demanded.

“Well, because I simply didn’t want to exist on earth anymore,” she explained. “I suffered so much throughout my life, and it turned out that the only person I thought loved me, my mother, didn’t after all.”

“I loved you Vonnie!” I protested. “Didn’t you realize how much leaving me the way you did would hurt me?”

“No, I didn’t think about that,” she replied. “I was in so much pain emotionally; all I could think about was terminating how I was feeling. Alex, I’m very sorry; I know you loved me, and you knew much of what I went through in my life, but maybe you still can’t imagine the pain and torment I felt each day - it was unbearable. Try to understand.”

“Yes, but I was helping you to improve your life and to find help for you; I put my heart and soul into trying to help you regain your health and independence,” I cried. “I sacrificed everything, so that you could recover and be happy again! I almost died trying to save you. You just don’t know how much pain you have caused me.”

“I appreciate everything you did for me Alex, but it was too late by the time you found me again, and you weren’t able to take me away from my parent’s house, which was the source of a lot of my anguish,” Vonnie explained. “I know you tried your best, but I was really a lost cause. Maybe things might have been different if we didn’t break-up 32 years ago. I missed you, and my heart bled for you to come back to me, but you never came, until 28 years later.”

“I’m very sorry about that Vonnie; what happened between us was a terrible misunderstanding,” I said. “I blame myself for everything that happened to you after that. I’m torn up inside thinking about what happened to our love.”

“It’s not your fault Alex; I did some things I shouldn’t have to cause our break-up - it was my decision too,” she said. “Don’t blame yourself; it’s a big reason why you are so unhappy now. What happened to us was a tragedy, but it’s all over now.”

“Why are you here Vonnie?” I asked.

“I’m here to tell you that I’m very sorry; I forgive you, and I want to thank you for everything you tried to do for me” she replied.

“Vonnie, I loved you so much, and it hurts me every day you’re not here with me anymore,” I said.

“I know baby, but try to be brave; I’m happier where I am now, and I don’t want you to suffer anymore,” she said. “I want you to move on with your life, and try to be happy again.”

“I can’t Vonnnie; believe me I’ve tried,” I cried. “I don’t want to keep going without you - it hurts too much. I cry almost every day, since you’ve been gone.”

“I understand baby and I’m sorry, but you must try harder; I’ve always been proud of you, and I know you can do this,” she said. “I came to tell you that I have never left you, and I will always be with you.”

“Do you promise?” I asked.

“Yes baby,” she replied.

“But, I still miss you,” I said.

“I miss you too baby, and I love you - I will always love you!” she exclaimed.

“I love you too Vonnie - so much it hurts!” I said, still crying.

“Don’t forget me darling,” she pleaded.

“Never!” I replied.

“I have to go now okay, but as I told you before; I will be watching out for you and I will come whenever you need me most,” she said.

“Do you promise?” I asked.

“Yes dear, I promise,” she replied.

“Vonnie,” I said.

“Yes dear, what?” she asked.

“I’ve never loved anyone as much as you; and I never will,” I replied. “One day, I hope we can be together again, forever. I will only be truly happy when that day comes.”

“I know dear, and I can’t wait for that day too,” she said. “But, for now, you must make the best of the rest of your life, until you can join me - promise me.”

“I promise I’ll try harder,” I replied reluctantly.

“Good, now it’s time to say goodbye,” she said.

“I wish you didn’t have to go,” I said. “And, no more goodbyes, only until next time, okay?”

“Okay baby, I’ll see you again - I promise,” she said, as she put her fingers to her lips to say goodbye.

And, then she was gone. As her image disappeared, the rain began to diminish and then stopped completely. Through the trees, I could see a rainbow, as the clouds began to separate and fade away. I began to walk back toward home, and reflected on what I had seen and heard. The experience felt surreal, as if I had imagined all of it. Perhaps I did. I wondered if it had all been in my mind, or just a dream. It didn’t matter what actually happened - it felt real enough for me.

I didn’t have much of a relationship with my adoptive father; I had no relationship with my biological mother previously, and I only had a brief relationship with the woman I loved the most, so I felt cheated in certain ways. However, I tried telling myself, if I focused on the opportunities I have had with others instead, and all of the wonderful experiences I have had in my life, I should feel grateful. I told myself that I should pay attention to what the people who had been a part of my life in significant ways said this day. I knew that I couldn’t change the past, but I could do something about the future.

Though they are grown up now, I can still work on helping to make my children’s lives better in the present. If they are happy now, maybe their childhood wasn’t as bad as I thought it had been. It’s hard for me to judge. I can also work on making my own life more satisfying by doing what I love most, being with the people I enjoy most, and even focusing on the type of work that is most satisfying to me.

As I arrived home, it occurred to me that it was nice to have a beautiful home to come back to, and a wife who loves me, and to my dog, who is always happy to see me. Things didn’t go as I had hoped and dreamed in my life, but perhaps things didn’t turn out so badly after all either.

###