Future

- eight weeks of pregnancy, said the doctor.

In disbelief, I first smiled at him.

Then I realized that I have broken up with my boyfriend, more than nine weeks ago! And hadji other in his place, as I was about to loose my job at that time.

So....how could that be possible?

- Are you sure ? – I asked the doctor - shrinking many “ nos “ in my inner soul, and  anxiously promissi g to the God I hardly remembered to worship, in order to have a negative answer.

He looked at me , showing him my bulking eyes and nervous nail biting.

 Yes !   I was in total, complete desperation!  

After all, i was still studying at the college, and a son was not in the plans for my life nor for my imaginary future as a professional  because it was potentially hazardous for my future.

 So, I decided to give it a solution, something like getting rid of that problem that was soon going to be.

What could I do ?

The solution was obvious : abortion, of course!

At first, that was convenient.

But after thinking a little deeper, many questions came to my mind: 

Was it legally or morally accepted ?

Obviously not. It was considered a crime according to the law , and according to the dogmas of churches and all this stuff.

What the people around me would say about it ?

Well, I think I will have to loose the things I really don’t care about, because this is not their business. 

But, I can many opportunities if I do not listen to their opinions 

Was my family going to accept it ? 

That is a huge problem, as my mother is against it, as she is a radical and conservative catholic, that can not accept another truth apart from her belief in the wholly scriptures.

That is fine for her, but it does not mean that I have to accept it.

And my father is dead, so he would be upset with it – I think.

How about me ? 

That is another part of the story. 

 I need a future like every single woman in this world. So, I have to accept it as a solution for this problem 

Was I strong enough to bear it and face the consequences of it ? 

The consequences were clear for me : blood loss, anemia tiredness, repent.

Yes I think I can handle it.

I had to weigh the possible answers. 

Yes! I will do it – was my final decision.

So, I got everything ready : the place, the person, the money, the bag.

It was going to be done on a Tuesday night, so I would stay there that night, until my recovery 

But, you know what happened?

I could not find a taxi  as the quarantine had stopped that service from that day on.

What can I do ? – I asked myself I panic.

So, I went back home.

Now what ?

I had some choices : wear a mask, wear a payback instead of bag, walk instead of taking a cab.

I was going to fulfill my goal! That was my idea.

But...what if they are not working ? 

In order to be sure of it, I called the person 

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

And, mysteriously, nobody answered!

I got really anxious, my heart was almost going to be thrown out from my body, I was hyperventilating.

As I was in a state of shock in real pain, , I began to cry. 

A lot.

Up to the moment i saw a little boy hanging around shoeless begging for food.

If just tore my heart identifying myself with him.

And my cry was his cry 

My pain was his pain.

What is it? 

Can’t you see his fear, and all cruelty of the world in his little feet and sweet smile ? 

Do I have to do it with my own baby? 

 Am I really going to kill  an innocent baby due to such a nonsensical excuse about your future?

What the hell am I talking about ?

Who do you think you are to get rid of a human being ,just to please yourself ? 

 Isn’t it  your immature decision in order to get the credit for your also immature resolution?

I was really struggling with myself - in exactly the same way many girls around the world should be - I mmersed in deep confusion, llist.i sat down in a park bench, watching the lights of the stars above me.

- why can not you help me, please,? Yeah – pointing at the stars – you little light bulbs, give me a bit if inspiration, a light to tell me what I must do ...

For my surprise, a flash light covered my head, clearing my understanding , giving me the hope I needed to solve this real dilemma 

Then, I realized that I was being selfish enough to kill an innocent life – and no false moralism , please!.

Cos that child staring at me made me think again about all these issues.

And made me think again about the real meaning of the future.

The future as a fight that one has the obligation  to struggle and win.

What if I loose? 

I needed yo realistically think on a future not for me, as I was going to grow old someday, but a future to be  given for somebody else.

So, I went back home, taking my questions and thoughts with me, thinking and crying over that answers

Accepting life as it meant to be,with all its pain and tears, challenges, joy. 

And, in that cold snowy night, I changed my life, deeply, not because it was 

Because i decided to have the baby, raise him, feed him , take him to school, do some homework together, pray together, living and growing together, to build our lufes together.

That, was unreplaceble.

Was I going to miss it ? 

It was my last chance.

I will take it!.

Nine months after that decision, a little boy was born from me.

I named him Joshua.

And I think I have done the best decision , because he became my worry, my duty, my responsibility, my happiness and my cry in hard times.

That change was the best thing I have ever made.

That actually I do not repent 

On the contrary  I am glad and grateful fofor, as it gave me another perspective in life, a different perspective about the pregnancy and the future.

My baby became my future.

My everything.

So, that day i went to the doctor again, and said to him:

- fine, doctor. I took my decision, and I will have this baby, it does not matter what.

Send me to pregnancy control !

And I went there, just after telling my.mom about it.

- what!

- yeap ! You are going to be a grandmother!

Reticent, she did not say a word to me.

It took her some minutes to accept it but, afterwards, she said:

- I will finally have somebody to cook for !