Those Three Words

My chest tightened as the breath was knocked out of me. Heat rushed to my face and my throat was like a wine bottle stopped up with cork. He said it. Those three little words people wrote whole songs and poems and movies about. Words people waited months, even years, to say. Damien had actually said them.

           A murky swamp settled into my brain. I didn’t know what to think, let alone do. My last relationship hadn’t gone far enough for those three little words to pop up. Frankly, none of them had. This was completely new territory, one that felt vast and full of hazards. I guess in that way, I shouldn’t be too surprised. Damien had felt like new territory from the start.

           We’d met for coffee the first time we saw each other. It was supposed to be something easy, no strings. Just a way to feel each other out. While there had been some awkwardness at first, it had melted away like dew under the sunrise before long. If, of course, similar music tastes and a love of music festivals could be considered a dawn.

           Even without knowing much about him, I’d known I wanted more. I wanted to see and learn more about this laughing, green-eyed man who managed to listen to more indie music than I did.

           Luckily, Damien had wanted to know more too.

           Within a week, he asked me to meet up for a second time and within a month we were officially dating. All that talk people made of “honeymoon phases” and instant infatuation finally made sense. The two of us met up whenever we could and each time was better than the last, a steady crescendo of fun and laughter.

           This was different. This wasn’t light and fluffy giggles or mock battles about bands. These three words were serious, a pressure I wasn’t sure how to match. How could he be ready to say those words? Was I supposed to be ready too?

           I wanted to believe they were a mistake, something that slipped out in the heat of the moment and only belonged in that moment. That would be easy; that we could just move on from. As I stared into those emerald eyes however, I knew that wasn’t the case. Damien had meant those three words. Each one had been spoken with intention and force, a stamp into the space between us that couldn’t be erased.

           Opening my mouth, I tried to say something, but the cork wedged tighter and nothing could come out. Damien’s smile faded and I could feel him pulling away from me, closing up like one of those fancy flowers that only blooms under certain conditions. What had felt so right and good between us not even a minute ago was souring right in front of me.

           Extra panic sprouted in me at the thought of fully loosing him. It was enough to unstop the cork and I cried out, “Wait, no, I’m sorry! I’m just surprised.”

           “No, I got that,” Damien replied, “I just kinda hoped it would be a happy surprise.”

           I puffed out a breath. “No, it is! I just- I don’t- My family and I, we don’t throw out those words a whole lot. We’re more acts of service people if that makes sense, and I’ve never, well, I’ve never had a boyfriend say that to me before. You’re the first.”

           His mouth creased at the edges and his left hand reached forward to play with a game piece on the board in front of us. Damien’s eyes ducked to follow the piece as he spun it between his fingers. “I guess I get that,” he finally told me, “And I don’t want you to say it if you don’t feel it. I just wanted you to know where I was at. I’m serious about this, about us, and I wanted to say it.”

           Then why couldn’t you have just said that instead of bringing those words into the mix?

           The part of my brain that was running on frustration wanted to fire out that question, but I knew it wouldn’t help. I couldn’t blame Damien for being ready for something I wasn’t.

           But was I really not ready? Or was I just scared of this new step?

           I absent-mindedly picked at the skin around my fingernail as I really stopped to consider this question. Was Damien ready for something I wasn’t or was I just scared of everything those words represented?

           The individual words were deceptively simple, none more than a single syllable in length. All it would take is an easy one, two, three, and all of this would be over. Damien would look me in the eye again, I’d get to see his adorable smile, and the tension of this moment would bleed into nothingness. We could go back to having fun like before.

           I didn’t fully believe that though, not with these words. These three words were a line in the sand, a clear before and after. They were transformative and a transformation. You changed in the saying and the listener changed in the hearing.

           These words, and the feeling behind them, had the power to be a hug when the world was too large and weighty. A blanket when life was too cold. A reassurance when nothing seemed right. Even a lighthouse in the darkness, and a salve against the deepest of cuts.

           But they also had the power to be a scalpel wielded against sensitive spots. A lie to hide secrets and misdeeds behind. A plea that comes a little too late. A freefall into nothingness with no parachute.

           How could I truly know if I was ready for them? Did I want to be ready for them?

           That question felt like the first sight of land to my boat out at sea. This was something I could really work with. What did I want?

           Looking at Damien, knowing all the fun we’d already shared and how much I believed we’d share in the future, I knew I wanted this to continue. I wanted to see where this would go and I believed it could go far. Those three words were heavy, but that didn’t mean they had to crush us.

           I wanted him. I wanted us. And maybe that was enough. A choice that I could make today and every day to choose us.

           My heart finally calmed as I opened my mouth to give Damien his response.