Fight or Flight

Fight or flight

“Trust yourself. You’ve survived a lot, and you’ll survive whatever is coming.”

― Robert Tew

Starring at the screen on his cell phone that was firmly held his hand, he sat there pivoting himself side to side on his desk chair, using his feet to push himself. Letting out an exhausted sigh he looked out the window and saw that it was now dark out and the sun had gone down hours ago, but he had missed the event as he remained alone in his room. Turning his attention back to the phone on his hand he read the message again.

“Hey, are you sure you want to cancel, the event is three months away. That should give you ample opportunity to plan out your time for it.”

Summoning up the will he eventually pressed his fingers to the screen, the emulated clicking sound generated by the phone giving that sensation of using a physical keyboard instead of flat image on the screen.

“I’m sorry I can’t make it. I just have too much going on at the moment.” He tapped send and the message was sent. A few minutes passed when the notification dinged on his phone alerting him to the message he received in return.

“It’s okay man, but if you change your mind, just let me know. We would be happy to see you.”

Dropping the phone with an audible thunk sound as it shook the empty cup next to it, he leaned back in his chair and with a few clicks of the mouse a video began playing on YouTube. It was one he had seen a hundred times before, but he found it gave him comfort. Very few things gave such solace to him these days or even the past several months either. As the video played out, he found his mind wondering about his past and how he came to be in his situation. Tracing his thoughts to years ago he began to recall one of the earliest incidents that plagued him.

The year before he was sound asleep in his room, still fresh out of college and living with his family. It was him, his sister and parents living under one roof. Down the hall his sis was up watching movies on her own TV, his parents were sound asleep as he was. Then around two am he woke up not sure why, he didn’t have to empty his bladder and or have any other need that interrupted his sleep. But before he could lay himself back down to sleep, he felt suddenly weak like he was going to pass out but not from the tiredness of a long day but from the feeling of his heart rate accelerating. There was no rhyme or reason to what he was feeling, just that it was sudden.

Not bothering to pull the sheets off himself he just stood up as the dark blue linens fell to the floor. It was almost like he was in a life-or-death situation but without anything happening. There was now only one thing on his mind, that he was dying, and he rushed out of his room. He knew he needed to get help but in the back of his mind told him he was fine.

Two separate voices argued in his head was his fine or dying he couldn’t tell. So, all he could think of doing in that moment was to get his heart to calm down. Grabbing his pillow from his bed and going into the living room, he dropped it without any care and laid down on the floor face first pressing his chest against the pillow, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. His heart would keep racing for what felt like forever in his mind, but it would eventually calm down and he could feel his body returning to normal.

Pushing himself off the floor and picked up the pillow holding it close to his chest as a toddler would hold their stuffed bunny. The sheer panic he felt only moments before was still fresh in his mind and now he could feel he needed to calm down but how? Walking to the hallway he saw the light of his sister’s room was still on and so he walked to it softly, not making any heavy steps and knocked on her door. When she answered he pushed it gently open.

 “What are you watching?” he asked, not wanting it to sound like he had just gone through the worst feeling he ever had.

“Just watching Harry Potter” she said as he sat back on her mattress like a sofa with some pillows propped up behind her to act like a back rest. He looked at the screen and saw the movie playing out and then looked back at her.

“Can I watch for a little bit?” Giving a nod, he took his pillow and used it as a cushion to sit on and for the next hour he felt himself calm down enough that he could make another attempt at sleep and so he excused himself and left back to his room.

Since then, he had several attacks that would send him into a state of panic late at night. He had almost begun to learn to live with them and even picked up a few breathing techniques to calm himself down. Panic attack vs anxiety attack became his most searched terms on his browser history. And now it was nearly a year later, and he still felt plagued with anxiety and depression. He missed who he used to be, the carefree guy who loved going out with his friends, celebrating Halloween without any worry that he wouldn’t be in that coffin that was being used as a decoration. He would tell himself that his fears were irrational, and it was all in his mind.

But it was now affecting his relationships with his friends, making him cancel plans that were months away. Only because whatever was causing his anxiety was coloring how he saw his future. Not with the optimism of a young man fresh out of college but as someone who was checking if death was around the corner. For the time being he found comfort in old things, namely YouTube videos. They reminded him of when he was felt good and in some small way made him feel good for a few fleeting moments before the fear would come back to him.

Not everything was doom and gloom for him, each day that sun rose from horizon was another day he lived, another day he kept breathing. And if he kept breathing, he held out hope that things could change, and he would be himself again. But for now, there was only one thing to do, survive.