Life alike a Train

[Beware of language]

"I'm lost…" 

…….

I sat in this crowded train, filled with people unknown to me and surely don't give damns about one another, but oh well, so do I. Today, I finally became jobless. It wasn't completely my fault, but then again, who's gonna listen to me? I am quite a loser when it comes to handling things that surely help me to keep moving forward. After all, it was my failure that she left me, my family. She was a wonderful woman but just one mistake took her away from me… well, I agree there were more than one, but then again, if she tries a little harder then— Nah, I'm just comforting myself, I was crystal clearly wrong, is. The job, though— you know what, I am just roaming my thoughts so that I can get through this out, ahh, if I just had a cigarette, but you know, this place isn't that bad for thinking absolute nonsense, like, who will care? Most of the people here are rather stressed out old geezers or some single, ugly high schoolers who are simply fucked by our cute little society as I wandered my eyes around, yes, that's what I see. But still, I love how they literally go back to their schools again, and again, and again, putting that fake smiles and playing around like they actually having fun, but surely they are just messing around, waiting for growing up, waiting to fly far, far from this broken system, but then I swirled my eyes to those old geezers, standing in this same train, in this same block, I giggled a little, after all, how fake can one person think? I was barely holding my laugh, laughing and thinking of how can they just think about something like that? But after remembering I was the same, my laugh suddenly fades, but, oh well, I at least thought something real. I remember when I was their age, I used to think about a happy little life will I have, a nice wife, waiting for me at home, cooking something I like as then I kissed her cheek, walk into the house as my kids run to surprise me, then they shout my name out loud, saying they missed me and so do I. "Wait." I unexpectedly whispered and then recalled some of my actual memories but not the high school fantasies, I just remember that I do have it, a loving family, it might not be good as I dreamed but not in the least it was bad. I don't know why some beads of salty water filled my eyes, I don't know why my heart aches, but only I want to see them.

[HAJIME STATION HAS ARRIVED, PLEASE TAKE YOUR BELONGINGS] 

The train stopped slowly and calmly, but I was thinking about the day when I first met her. It was the first day of my job, I ran fast to catch the only train for, it was a quite harsh day but then after I reached the station, it simply got worse because the only train has left for the destination, I swirl my eyes across everything, running to someone that could help me, but in the end, it will take more than three hours for another train to come, my shoulder weighted by anxiety and recalling my boss's face who I met at interview, will eat my ass, I loosen my legs and sat on the floor of that train station, thinking about how ridiculous my life is and has been but then an echo rings in my ears, at first I didn't notice but then again it rang like a fairy calling me, and then when I whirl my head, I saw beauty. "You okay? Where are you going?" She asked me and lapped a warming hand onto my shoulder. "Tokyo…" I said with a gloom like our school team had lost a match to a school where the friend I hate most goes. "Well, Tokyo is quite far from Nagoya, that is…" As then after the fade of her words the moment kind of turned even gloomier. "Can I sit here?" She again said and I nodded, some minutes passed. "You know, today I got fired from my job." I spun my gloomy stares to her. "What a coincidence, today I got fired before I could work there," I said. "Well, you can go tomorrow, you know." She said. "Nah, I don't think that fatass will take me in." And I said, and again some minutes passed. "Wanna go somewhere else?" She said and so our journey began, after that, we went to a cafe, then to a restaurant and then, to a bar. "You don't drink?" She once asked. "They say, I won't be the same person when I do." And once I replied… 

[KOITO STATION HAS ARRIVED, PLEASE TAKE YOUR BELONGINGS]

I opened my eyes slowly as the train got slow like a snail. Argh, my head hurts, just how long I have been asleep? But when I wandered my eyes around, I saw no one, those old geezers and those single, ugly high schoolers, none were here any more, I was simply alone in this block of the train so yes, I might've been in a long sleep. After some thought I crossed, I took out a handkerchief, cleaned my face, but as I was doing so, a word carved in this handkerchief came into my eyes. "Love you." It was written in the middle of a heart at the right corner, and somehow I was able to hear it, loud and clear. Yes, after that day, we spent time together more than anything, even more than our jobs which we soon got fired off. But you know, I just never realised back then, how beautiful this lady is, but I was at least smart enough to marry her at about the right time, like, I was moments away before her family made an arranged marriage for her and I barely managed to take her from her father's grasp, funny?, isn't it, and so step by step, we found something that we never felt in our previous life, happiness, we soon then moved to Tokyo, having some little happiness was all we needed, yes, that's what all we needed and still might have if I hadn't… The train began again, slow but soon fast, enough for me to fall into the old and fragile memories while watching that beautiful sea from my window. After we moved to Tokyo, life became a little fast, when the days came and passed, we never came to know even with calendars, all there was left was some ache in the back and head, tons of scoldings from my new fatass, but then when I think there's someone at home in a wait, I just smiled knowing at least there are people out there who cares and if I simply stuck to that, I might have it, even now, my family. It happened that day, yes, I remember it like it was yesterday, although it wasn't a single day, but surely that's when everything started. "Wanna go to night's party?" He was an employee of this, that company and a colleague of mine as we sat next to each other, we came to know each other much more than others. "Nah, I have errands to run," I said as I declined the offer. "C'mon man, I've never seen you in action, at least this time be honest." He insisted. "Well, my life has been this way," I said and again, declined. "Well, aren't you able to have some time for yourself?" If I remember correctly, those words hit me hard. "What do you mean by 'yourself'? I am happy with my beloved wife." I got angered. "Now, now, calm down a bit, that's not what I meant," He said. "You see, I have been keeping an eye on you for a long time, you came and went on time, you barely talk to anyone, even me, and whenever I see you, all you do is watch the clock. I never saw you having fun, ya know." And even more, those words wounded me. He was wrong about I'm not being happy, I am happy with my wife waiting for me, I am happy to have her, but when he said the habits that somehow don't feel good and anxious after noticing them once. Did I do that? I asked myself. I have lived my whole life like a never-ending train, my childhood was the only thing that I can say was stress-free but I surely don't remember it to rely on it for the rest of my life, afterwards my life filled with achievements, fake smiles, unknown friends, family unknown love, and mostly money, I was as if was a slave to these. Yes, I was happy, but was I living? These all thoughts crossed my head in that single second while my colleague stood before me. "So, are ya coming?" He lapped a hand onto my shoulder. "Come." He again said with a sympathising face. And so, I went there where I have been running since I was in college. It was quite a big hall and had many beer bottles all over as I walked, yes that's what I see. "C'mon man, walk fast, it's not like your first time here." My colleague, who walked before me said, but little he knows it was my first time in this kind of place. After we walked for quite a while, we found seats, and red lights across all over the place, dancing and enjoying peoples, living peoples. "Drink!" He asked from a young bartender. "I don't." Although I declined. "What's your problem, we're adults of society, if we can't do this much then they will rusticate us from it, from the position we work hard to get." He was a nice man with nice words which knows how to change one's mind. Yes, I didn't drink after an event in my college years, although, I don't remember the whole event, somehow my friends came to wary afterwards while others said, I should never drink it again even on the last day on earth. Yet, I was overconfident about how I would become the man of society, and so, I drank, one cup after another after another, I drank like a mad man, like never before. I was for the first time in this long-lived life I felt like I can do anything I want, I can literally do anything, and in those faulty depths, I didn't notice more than forty-five missed calls and more than twenty-three messages from my beloved wife. I went back to my house, soaked in the smell of wine and beer, vomiting in allies, I walked, forgetting everything I loved except my own self, I somehow reached that little graceful facade of my house, small yet was filled with happiness. But you know, back then I wasn't in the least thinking this way, I was so into those beers, I somehow was feeling upset, I was pretty upset. I knocked on my door a few times but no one opened it and so my slams got rash upon the door and after some more minutes, she opened it, and looking back as from now, I remember even in those beers, she was trembling like never before. "Where have you been!" She yelled. "I was scared, I thought, something might've happened to you!" She again yelled but then hugged me tightly, after all, she loved me, "Wait, you're drunk?" and just thinking about what I did afterwards, gives me an ache in my heart. "Shut up!" I yelled. "And get out of way!" I pushed her and walked straight in. "W-what do you mean, I was worried!" She yelled again while I was taking that coat. "Hey, listen to me, I am talking to you!" She again shouted reasonably and grabbed a sleeve of mine. "Shut up!!" I yelled all out from my throat and pushed her afar as she slammed into walls. "I am not your slave, let me be free!" I shouted and then went for my bedroom, but before, I got that glimpse of her, she hit her head onto the wall and was bleeding and yet, yet I left her, alone and sombre, I did the undone. It was day one, from that day on, I went to the bars over and over and over and over, 'living' my life, while she worries at home, alone, and when she asks, I hurt her, yes, I did those unforgiving, over and over till she shattered into pieces. I simply became selfish, to live I abandoned my happiness and she paid the price… I wish, I…

[OWARI STATION HAS ARRIVED, PLEASE TAKE YOUR BELONGINGS.]

I don't know why all these memories are flooding now, maybe it's my job that I got fired from, or might be this train, but yeah, I can once say, I am awful, as then, after viewing the last station l stood and walked out from this be delightful train as cold breezes snuck around my neck. "Ahh…" I exhaled out while walking in this green ocean of grass, towards that orange sun of dusk. It was out from the station, a place mostly viewed by tourists but as right now, the weather is not quite one to visit here, but at the end, my thoughts melted even more. It's been over five years since our divorce, now I heard, she's living a happy life with her new husband and you know, I got to know afterwards that she has a child in her belly when I was blooming with my 'living', my baby, and that man was kind enough to let both of them in his huge heart, what a nice man she married, literally her father's choice was right on the point, and while hers got fired from my last job, I don't even know that another interview will work at this age. I always wondered, do people care about each other and, yes, I came with an answer, but to some extent, if the ticker comes to their own selves, then they chose themselves like I always thought, if that colleague of mine, who is by the way, now head of a team of half of the office, like, if he chose my happiness over a partner in his lonely drinks, I might've… Nah, if I was that shallow then one day this— you know what, I'm tired of it, was it me who was wrong or others around me, I don't know anymore, but one thing is sure, we humans don't give a damn about each other, yes, that's a pure and simple truth. My whole life was just like that train, slowing, stopping and then picking a fast pace and not stopping until the next station, yes, that's how my life has been. All I wanted to be free from this unending slavery but forgot just what little she has to do with it, she wasn't the person who enslave me, but rather give me a new life filled with happiness. I am still foreign to why I walked, wondering about my life but soon reached the dead-end, it was a cliff from were down was the ocean, crashing against mighty rocks at the bottom, I see, this place, I swirled my eyes across and behold the beauty of nature, ocean, green grass shining upon dusk reflection, cold breezes, the sun playing hide and seek with clouds. I simply stared at this mighty sight, and just then, just then, came to know something, "Just, how small we are…" I whispered, yes, how tiny we are, and how little our problems matter compared to this incredible world. All that sudden, the aches somehow felt lighter for a second, thinking that at least I was born human, I closed my eyes and took a deep long breath, wandering my eyes while opening them. 

"I'm lost," I said proudly.