I Want Out

"I want out! Why won’t they let me out?" Katie cried to herself with tears streaming down her face, moving across her bedroom wearily. She was drained. And the thought of having to carry on any longer pierced her. The weight of everyone else’s expectations was substantial, pushing her into a state of turmoil she had never experienced before.

It all started in May 1986. Katie was finishing her Junior year in high school, which was heavily focused on making sure she was prepared to be THE debutante. She worked hard all throughout high school to make sure she would be chosen for the ball the following November. Her mother gleamed with excitement. Smiling with the eyes of a woman who missed out on much but saw the predilections of a life not lived right before her. Katie’s mother, Eleanor, ran away from home at age 16. Her father was a heroin addict who frequently took his frustrations out on her. She was also 3 months pregnant at the time with Katie, and she was terrified. With the abuse she endured in mind, she knew she could not withstand the torment of her father’s household any longer, so she left. And did not look back. She moved to a small town called West City, 4 miles north of the Iowa border, with her then 19 year-old boyfriend, Kevin, to start their lives together. Fast forward approximately 16 years. A lot changed since they first moved to West City. For instance, Katie's father left when she was only 5 years old and moved out of state. She never saw him again. Eleanor and Katie lived in a small home on the edge of town. Katie was now 16 years old and the apple of her mother’s eye. Katie was perfect: A straight "A" student, captain of the swim team, beautiful, kind, and caring. She did everything, and she was everything she felt she had to be.

The expectations of those around her were crushing. She was always expected to be perfect, and she wanted out. Since Katie was a child, the bar was set for her. And for once, she wanted to be able to breathe without being judged or told how much was riding on her success. She just wanted to be, but they would not let her. Her mom. Her community. Her classmates. She was their shining star, and as far as they were concerned, she had no choice but to shine so they could glean a little from her light.

One month passed since Katie submitted herself to be selected as a West City debutante. The anxiety continued to build as July 1986 drew near. She was two and a half weeks away from finding out if she was in...or out. In West City, being a debutante was akin to being picked for the royal ball in England. You were somebody. People knew you. You were admired at the highest level. You were THE person to be. But as the days grew closer, Katie grew weary, and it showed.

One morning, she sat on her bedroom floor, staring at herself in the closet mirror. A deep depression started to take over. It took everything in her to move from the bed to the floor, but she felt she needed to so she could see herself. Not just physically, but really SEE. She was so used to just going, being, and doing that she never took the time to actually try to see herself. But that morning, as she lay feeling crippled by the weight of the world on her shoulders, she felt the need to see. She stared at herself for a long time, not really knowing what she saw. Questions came up like "Do I like me?", "Who am I?", "Why am I like this?", "What does everyone want from me?", and "Why me?" . It was the last question that really struck her. Since she was a child, her path had been decided for her. She had to walk this way, talk this way, be this good, etc. She was not allowed to falter. As she sat and pondered this, it occurred to her that she always tried to fit into the mold that was created for her, questioning nothing. But something changed that day. It was no longer enough for her to be "as she was supposed to" or do "as she was supposed to". She just wanted "to be" and for that to be enough. On this day, she decided enough was enough, and there began her own personal uprising.

For her first act of rebellion, she quit the swim team. Her coach was astonished. He tried his best to convince his star swimmer to stay, but she was done. Besides, Katie never liked swimming anyway, but like everything else in her life, it was all part of "the plan". Quitting felt good to Katie. For the first time in her life, she was not only saying no, but no more. Next, she slowly started showing up to less and less of her honors classes. She was tired of the strain of Honors Biology and Physics. She did not even like science. Since she was a little girl, she had taken a natural interest in art. And for a while, drawing was her secret pastime. It had to be a secret because she could not let her mother see it. According to her mother, drawing "silly pictures" was a waste of time. Katie had goals to reach, and in her mother’s eyes, no time should be wasted.

When Katie skipped class, she found herself wandering around Blue Acre Park. It was her favorite place as a little girl. It always soothed her, and it felt like the perfect place to get away from it all. She visited every day at the same time for about a week. Unfortunately, a week was all it took for her mother to catch wind of Katie’s newfound freedom.

"What on earth do you think you are doing?! Are you trying to ruin everything for us? I did not work this hard for you to throw it all away!" Eleanor exclaimed as she burst into Katie’s bedroom. "Well, maybe I am mom! I am sick of this! All of it! You treat me like I am a machine that is supposed to just keep going and going, and I am done!" Katie yelled, her voice cracking with anger. "Done?! You will NEVER be done, as far as I am concerned. You think I put all this effort into you for no reason? Our lives depend on your success, and you WILL NOT ruin this for us!" Eleanor retorted. "See, there you go. This is always and has always been about you and your vain desires! Well, guess what mom? I don’t care! I hope that everything falls apart! And I am going to make it my mission to make sure that happ-". Katie was unable to finish her sentence before her mother silenced her with a slap to the face. Her left cheek shone bright red. She gasped with shock. Her mother had never hit her. "See what you made me do?! You are trying to ruin everything I built, and I will not allow it! As long as I am your mother, your life is mine!" Katie was frozen. She could not believe it. All she wanted was to be free. Why couldn’t her mother see that? She could care less about the debutante ball or being swim captain. Her whole life was a facade created to please her mother. Katie was stricken with sorrow. She just wanted out. "Why wouldn’t she let me out?" Katie pondered to herself in a daze.

Before long, Katie fell into an even deeper depression. She did not say another word for the rest of the evening. She lay in her bed, silent, despondent. A few hours went by, and she realized there was only one way she could end this. So she got up, put on some clothes, and quietly tiptoed out of her mother’s home. She headed to Blue Acre Park. It was nighttime and very dark out. She walked and walked until she got to the bridge stretching across the Watachee River. She stared for a long time, listening to the ripples of water crossing the jagged rocks that lay at the surface of the river. She wanted to flow just like that river. Moving freely as it pleases, with nothing pushing it in one direction or another. Just free. And in that moment, she realized if she could not be free, she would rather be with what is. Slowly, she pulled herself up onto the railing of the bridge. She stood up, staring at the water with sorrowful longing. Hypnotized by its liberty. "I want to be with you," Katie whispered to herself. Then she jumped, free-falling into the water below. The impact of the jagged rocks killed her instantly.

It was not until the next morning that Eleanor realized Katie was gone. She searched all over the house, asked the neighbors, called Katie’s friends, and called her school. No one had seen her. She became frantic. She called the local police, who sent a search party out to look for Katie. In West City, it was unusual for anyone to go missing, so they were sure she would be found alive and well. 17 hours passed until her body was finally found. Her body floated all the way to the other end of the Watachee River, leading into Bear Creek Lake. Her golden tresses floated aimlessly attached to her lifeless body. She was finally free, even if only in death.