Dogs Rule

“Heyyy Buddy, you okay?” A young man’s voice, Cali accent. It was black, ‘night’. There were stars, ‘outside.’ There was warmth and crackling, ‘a fire.’ Distant voices, inebriated, and the rumble and crash of waves, ‘a campsite by the sea.’

“He looks dead. Eyes open like that…it’s creepy.” A young woman’s voice, perhaps Hispanic.

“Dude. Lorna’s right. He’s killin’ my buzz man. Check his pulse.” Cali Dude Two.

I had to move before any of them came over to check my pulse, but my brain circuits were not functioning up to speed. I engaged the Lightning Scan, detected the loose micro-cable and over-rode its stutter. My vision snowed into view; Dude One’s hand was waving in front of my face. I blinked.

“Woah,” Dude One said, backing away. White male, 19 years of age, dilated eyes.

The other two echoed, “Woooaahhhh.”

Lorna got up from the blanket they were sitting on and came closer, staring into my eyes. I was still having trouble getting my programs running and did the only thing I could… I blinked again. She stopped two feet from my face, her pupils as dilated as her friend’s. They were on Ecstasy. I had to move before she hugged me.

Another Lightning Scan, another quick fix, more of a battery Band-Aid really…and I could move at last. I ducked out of the woman’s reach and raised my hands, “I AM FINE. EVERYTHING’S FINE.”

“Aaah!” She screamed and sat back down hard.

‘Oops.’ I had not meant to yell.

The three of them sat across from me, the small fire crackled next to us. They were staring. I had to act normal. “I’m sorry. My ears are a little plugged.”

“Hey man, it’s cool. We found you on the beach,” Dude One was saying.

I modulated my voice, cut the bass, and tried again, “Thank you. You are very kind.”

Lorna said, “so what happened? You trippin’?”

Dude Two said, “An accident? That’s what I thought…then we thought you were dead.” He took a swig off a clear bottle sloshing with an amber liquid. He passed the bottle to me, but I’d forgotten how to drink. ‘Do I drink?’

I lowered my head to my hands, they were white. “Give me a second, I’m still a little dizzy.” I scrolled through the file cabinets in my brain, picking out pertinent information, condensing hyper-files, and making notes…and reverse-camera-ed myself. I saw the crash into the sea- the Pacific Ocean, my pod tumbling through the white surf like clothes in a washing machine. The water was swimming-pool warm, not frigid like the North American coast…’Hawaii.’ I heard a high-pitched squeal like daggers on a chalkboard, as rough-edged lava rock tore into the outer wall of my Zoomcraft…then the jarring CRACK as I was flung out the sky-dome, breaking through it with my head. I felt the racket-ball sized dent just over my hairline and was grateful for my new-wave-style coif- short and clean back and sides, long and spikey in front. I am a tall, clean-cut Korean-American hybrid, my ten-year mission nearly completed. Ah-ha… I’m a model 7411V-B6…a drinking model. I looked up and smiled and reached out for the bottle.

An hour later, David and Lorna retired to a tent set up fifty feet into the woods. Sasha and I finished the Porfidio. “This is the best tequila I’ve ever tasted,” I said, swigging.

“Yar! Better be Bro, it’s five-year Anejo. Three-fitty a bottle.”

I sprayed a mouthful over my lap. “Of Fuck. Sorry. I just wasted like, forty bucks worth.”

Sasha laughed and so did I, relieved to be sounding correct as it all came back to me in dribs and drabs.

He said, “I’d ask ya again if ya remember anything about the accident…but…”

“Yeah, I’m drunk now. I’m sure I’ll remember in the morning.” I closed my eyes and settled back against the log.

Sasha rolled onto his back and closed his eyes. He sleepily said, “Oh yeah, what happened to the dog?”

I resisted the urge to open my eyes. I was not drunk of course. Though I am able to taste libations as well as food, it’s all just for show. What goes in comes out in a small compartment in my lower torso. The newer models actually make poop and urine.

About the crash…I’d been shot down. By one of my kind. If it had been one of theirs, they’d be swarming the island with guns blazing and sirens wailing and lights flashing- the American Way. Why? I had done my job, my mission. My reports were accurate. Sad, but accurate. I rifled through the reports in my cranial cabinets. Global warming, the decimation of people through war, the threat of nuclear war, schoolyard shootings, species extinction, insane world leaders, animal abuse. Wait. ‘Dog? What dog?’

I tested the L7 drive in my cochlea and after some diagnostics, was able to tune into sounds within a two-mile radius. “…still weird. Creepy weird,” Lorna, whispering.

“Ah, he’s just discombobulated is all.”

“Maybe. But that stare. Brrrr. And the long pauses. It’s as if he’s translating you in his mind and forming a correct response…”

“He’s just nervous, being around strangers an all…” but David sounded uncertain. “Plus, he got whacked pretty good on the noggin. You see that dent?”

I winced. They had seen it.

“Yeah. No blood.”

Silence for a minute. Then David, “Okay, he is a bit creepy. But he’s good lookin’ eh?”

Lorna laughed. “Si. Muy guapo. Buen tresero tambien.”

“Come here.”

I disengaged the portal as they began with the love making and focused out over the beach instead. There. Panting. Large lungs but not human. The dog was nearby.

***

Humans say it was curiosity that killed the cat, blah blah blah, satisfaction brought him back. Bullshit. Dead is dead and cats are dumb. But…this man from the beach earlier this morning…he was curious indeed. I wasn’t about to die over figuring his thing out, henceforth, I left him by the surfer’s camp, so they’d see to him. It was near dawn.

I dislike humans. Don’t trust them. I had one once and she tossed me away to fend for myself. I’d had a home, a dog bed, two meals a day and a whole bunch of toys, balls are still my favorites. Then she took me to a stinky cold jail and left me there as if I’d been bad, like REALLY bad. People came by my tiny stinky cell and shook their heads, unwilling to look into my eyes even when I gave them my bestest smile and waggiest tail.

I escaped through a hole under the fence during a daily hour outside time; a terrier had been working on for a week. I’m much bigger than the terrier and lost a lot of fur and a good peel of skin. I’d run to the beach, the salt water stung at first, then soothed and healed.

Then, a week later…a man lolling in the surf like a floppy chew toy with no stuffing. I wondered if he’d squeak if I bit him. He didn’t. He was dead. Then he opened his eyes and I saw sparks. In his eyes. Scared the Bejesus outta me. I peed a little. One second, they were nearly black, almond-shaped eyes, the next throwing tiny yellow sparks like a zippo lighter out of fluid. The oddest thing was his smell…no sweat, no blood, no disease smell. He smelled…like a vacuum cleaner.

I dragged him all the way to the tree line where I heard the surfers coming to life. I smelled coffee. And eggs and sausage and cheese. Cheese is the food of gods. Cheese, cheese, yummy cheese. Way better than peanut butter. ‘Ach’- If curiosity killed the cat, distraction killed the dog.

I left the man and took off down the beach just in time. A woman’s voice called out, “Hey Poochy-Poo! Come back!”

She sounded nice enough, but they all do at first. It was curiosity that made me come back. I hid in the jungle and watched as the three humans came out onto the beach after sunrise. They ran into the surf with their boards, intent on the waves, not seeing the body…at first.

About noon they came out of the water and headed to their camp. The female nearly stepped on the body but didn’t. It was wearing jeans and a dark tee shirt, so I guess it looked like a pile of seaweed.

By four, the body hadn’t moved. The surfers were out for their sunset rides. And this time, when they were headed to camp just before dark…

 “Holy-Jesus-Crap-On-Toast!” One of the males.

The two males dragged the body from the darkening beach, to the clearing they’d camped in. They sat around watching him. They smoked weed and passed a bottle around.  A chemical smell oozed from their pores- some sort of manmade recreational drug. They sat and watched him, unsure of what to do. I could see it in their faces, and I was very good at reading human faces. I looked at the man I’d dragged from the surf. His eyes were open, unblinking. He seemed to me like a doll without a child to animate it.

The woman had tossed some hamburger meat towards the beach, but I’d waited until they were out of sight to eat it. I suspected they did not want authorities here any more than I wanted dogcatchers. I think that if the man had not come to life suddenly, they would have abandoned camp and left him there. Not being judgey, I might have done the same if I had been born a human instead of a dog.

I ate the hamburger- there was cheese on it!- and resumed my vigil.

When his new friends were out cold, he stood and made to leave. He looked around uncertainly, then took a cell phone from the log. He took off towards the beach. I followed.

***

I heard the dog following me and was glad. It knew so many things I needed to know. Though I can’t read human thoughts like the later models of the 7911V-B6s can, I can understand dog.

I’d been studying every race of Homo Sapiens for nearly a decade and during this time I have met many dogs. Unfortunately, they don’t trust me. As a side-project, I had been working on a sort of pheromone, one that would instill human essence in me- blood, sweat, dander, waste matter, and so on. Friendship with humans was a prerequisite for my studies, but only for limited amounts of time, before moving on to the next race or gender or age group. I longed for the friendship of a dog. Smart and loyal and kind, a dog was a true best friend. If the leaders of this world could learn from dogs, they’d be a much better race.

One that did not need to be obliterated.

I sat watching the white sand beach, luminous in the moonlight, and said, “Dog. Thank you for saving me. I know it was you.” I needed no sleep so I sat and waited, sure the dog would come, it was curious, I could tell from its breathing. It was male, I could smell its genitalia. “I need to leave here soon. Come to me, my friend.”

I heard the dog come closer; he was shaking. But his ultra-sensitive nose was working overtime. I knew that he’d once taken my arm in his jaws and dragged me to safety and therefore overcome his uneasiness about my lack of human odor. I’d picked up a universe of catchphrases, proverbs, superstitions, spells, beliefs, religions, and so on and plucked an old timey one from my vault: “Musick has charms to soothe the savage breast.” A personal favorite is Vivaldi, The Four Seasons, so I tuned into my Head Pandora and activated the speakers behind my ears which folded out like recreational vehicle pop-outs. To sit completely still as granite is unnatural for a human, so I moved my hands as if conducting the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra.

The dog’s shadow appeared on the moonlit sand out from the shadow of a date palm. He came towards me with head cocked- yes, this was a very curious specimen indeed- and halted ten feet away. He was big and black and shaggy, a standard poodle, Sheppard, and Newfie mix. He came with head lowered and curly-furred tail straight out from his butt. He was showing the white of his canines, like dogs do when scared. I lowered the volume and rolled onto my back, sticking my feet and hands in the air. I was being beta.

‘Hahahaha. Thanks for that, but you look ridiculous.’

I sat back up and said, “I’m pleased to meet you. I’m Larry.”

‘And I’m a monkey’s uncle.’

***

The man who was not a man would not hurt me. I could sense that. He seemed desperate to communicate and I longed to know more about this ‘Larry.’

‘You’re not human. Any more than I’m a monkey.’

Larry said, “I am an android, my home is far away…up there.” He pointed out over the island, above the WM Krek Observatory. “I was coming to study the native people of Hawaii, one of my last studies, and was shot down…by one of my own.”

‘Why? You must hold a wealth of information about humans.’

“I do.”

‘What? What are you not saying? You need to work on the delays in conversations. I’m Onnix by the way.’

“Yes, Onnix, I’ve heard that before. I’m trying.”

‘Well, there. That was better.’

“Nevermind all that. None of its important now. Earth is scheduled for demolition.”

I wasn’t surprised. I’d seen enough of people to want to press the button myself. I said, ‘But…you have doubts…?’

“Yes! It is so much easier for The Horations to destroy the planet, blow it up, nothing lives. But I believe only the homo sapiens need obliteration, not the other inhabitants…especially not dogs. I believe an EMP would be the answer."

‘I understand…and am honored. This is why they blew you out of the sky…Alien Politics. Just as convoluted as here on Earth.’

“I need to get back. To stop them. To save the innocents here. Given enough time, the planet will heal. Do you know where my pod is?”

‘Yes, the surfers have it. It washed up further along…ended up beached in a cove. The stoners. They’re camped in it now. High as kites.’

“Show me.”

I stood and went to Larry, licked his hand to let him know I trusted him, and turned east the way we had come. A half hour later, we were approaching a fine bonfire surrounded by eight or so partying surfers. Larry scanned the scene with his night vision, his pod had a tracker in it, but it wasn’t responding. “There,” he said, pointing to a cluster of palms invading the beach just forty feet or so from the fire. Reflected light flickered off the pale metal orb nestled in the trees.

***

I had been working on my motor-skills and blinking as humans do naturally. I was still a work in progress, but time was too short to worry about being creepy. Onnix and I walked along the hard packed sand topping the surf line then veered upwards.

Sasha saw me first and said, “Yo Bro! Good to seeya!”

The crowd all turned. Someone said, “Alexa, play Pink Floyd.”

I loved Pink Floyd. And The Moody Blues. And David Bowie. Man is capable of creating so much beauty in art, music, writing…too few are devoted to compassionate lifelong endeavors for peace. So sad that man has not learned from past obscenities and depravities, but in this day and age continue to war and vie for power, men in positions of power- world leaders who are murderers and omnipotent liars.

David and Lorna came over and I savored hugs from them. Lorna said, “Oh, you found your doggy.”

“This is Onnix,”

Onnix stayed with them and was entertainment extraordinaire. I made my way to my pod. A couple was making love on the floor before the cockpit, they didn’t see me as I sat in my captain’s chair. I took the iPhone I’d stolen out of my pocket and plugged it in to my consol. The damage to the dome was repairable but would take at least 24 hours. The tiny charge from the phone ignited the dash circuits and one by one they began rejuvenating themselves.

“Woah.”

I spun to see Sasha by me, glassy eyes huge and alien-like in the reflections of the control panel. I tried concentrating but every end result was the same- it was too late. The Horations who’d shot me down weren’t the only ones here. On my dashscreen, I saw about two hundred of their ships, outside the Earth’s atmosphere, hovering like deadly African wasps. I took Sasha’s hand and led him back outside, Onnix came over, tail wagging. ‘Well?’ he asked.

“No sorry sweet pup.”

Sasha said, “What did Onnix just ask you?”

I told him he wished he had a ball. He knelt by my friend and scritched his ears and said to him, “Awww dude, we’ll get you one tomorrow, I promise.”

We sat by the fire. I played Ziggy Stardust from my Head Pandora, and we all sang along. A dude named Akira played a guitar beautifully. With friends by my side and the love of a dog, I watched the last sun rise with a smile on my face.