Dear Mom...

Dear Mom,

I found the package of thank you notes you bought me in a box in the back of my closet last night. The ones with the butterflies you found in the clearance bin and insisted I needed. The plastic was still on when I found them, because I never wrote a single thank you note. I know you hate excuses, so I won’t say I was too busy or too forgetful, but I will say that I have ten unused cards. Five years may be a bit belated to thank the Goldmens for the fifty dollar bill, or Grandma for the headphones. Anyways, I told them thank you when I received them, so they know. And nobody really cares about letters anymore, at least not like you. So I hope you don’t mind that I write these to you instead. 

I’m sorry for how small I’m having to write, and for the ink I just smudged. For sake of space I will keep my first thank you short and to the point. Thank you for these thank you cards. 

Love, 

Lila May 

~x~

Dear Mom,

Thank you for helping me with my math homework. I don’t think I ever thanked you back then, so I’m making up for it now. To be fair I would be crying and you would be frustrated by the time we solved the last question. You’d always complain about them ‘changing math’ and how you were taught it all differently. But you worked through it with me at the kitchen table, and afterwards when we’d both calmed down we’d drink hot chocolate. I remember you let me teach you lattice, and I felt so smart that I’d taught my mom something. 

P.S. I still don’t know how to do long multiplication, but thank you for trying to explain it to me. 

Love, 

Lila May

~x~

Dear Mom, 

Thank you for lying to me. Thank you for letting me believe in wonderful things. I mean, thank you for letting me believe in Santa Clause until I was eleven years old. I only found out because Katie told me on the playground in fifth grade. (Her mom had told her when she was five because she was worried if she lied about Santa then Katie would think she was lying about Jesus too.) But even afterwards we both still pretended that I believed.. You always made Christmas really special. That’s probably why I still love it so much… and still sort of believe in Santa Clause. 

On the topic of lies. Thank you for letting me believe that the fireworks on the fourth of July were for my birthday. It made me feel like the whole neighborhood was celebrating me by filling the sky with glittering color. I figured out the truth pretty quickly, but every year you would still point out the window and say, “They remembered!” It always made me laugh.

Love,

Lila May

~x~

Dear Mom,

Thank you for making dinner every night. I can’t remember if I ever really thanked you back then, but if I did it was probably with a mouth full of food which you hate. I guess I didn’t realize how much work it was, and now the microwave and I are very well acquainted. I miss your mashed potatoes. Mine are always too lumpy. 

Love,

Lila May

~x~

Dear mom,

Thank you for proofreading every essay I ever submitted. You would always say that I have great ideas and awful grammer. You would make me print it out and bring you your special red pen. I’d grumble and groan (which I’m now realizing I did a lot of), but I’d make the changes and my grades thanked you for it. You always cared so much about my academics. Sometimes even more than I did. I used to be jealous of the kids whose parents didn’t care if they brought home an A or an F, or if they went to college or dropped out senior year. But thank you for caring.

P.S. After typing this portion up in a word document I found several errors that you would have caught immediately. Most embarrassing of which is my misspelling of grammar. I’m sure you’d mark up all these letters with red ink if you had the chance. 

Love,

Lila May

~x~

Dear Mom,

Thank you for driving me to the mall the night before my first speech and debate tournament. It was 8:30 p.m. and you were in your pajamas, when I told you I didn’t have anything to wear the next day. I’d written it down in my planner that I needed a suit but I lost the planner, so that wasn’t much good. I remember you taking a deep breath, and I was scared you were going to yell at me because if I was you I would have yelled at me. But instead you pulled on a sweatshirt and grabbed your keys. We sang along to the radio on the drive there, and you let me try on a bunch of options in the store instead of picking the first thing off the clearance rack like Dad would have done. 

I won first place that day, and I don’t think it was the suit that did it, but it certainly helped. 

Love, 

Lila May

~x~

Dear Mom,

Thank you for the barbie dream house. I was fourteen when I asked for it for Christmas, and you thought I was too old. Maybe I was, but I really wanted it. I didn’t think you’d actually get it, but then I came down on Christmas morning to a huge box wrapped up with a bow! You labeled it as “from Santa.” I remember you playing with it after you thought I went to sleep. That was the first time I realized that you were little once too. 

Love,

Lila May

—

Dear Mom,

Thank you for not hating me. I wasn’t always a good daughter. And I was always terrified of disappointing you. I think you were sometimes. When my room was too messy, or I consistently neglected doing the dishes, or when my grades started to slip I was so sure you hated me. But you always loved me. So thank you for that.

With so much love,

Lila May

~x~

Dear Mom, 

Thank you for everything you gave up for me. When I was a kid and you made me angry I would swear up and down that when I was a grown up I’d be a better mom than you. But now I’m a grownup, though I don’t feel like it most of the time. It’s hard to believe I’m as old now as you were when you had me. Not young enough to be a teen pregnancy scandal, but too young still. You had your twenties ahead of you. You could have gone anywhere and done anything but you didn’t. You married my dad and settled down, and you dealt with his shit crap. You stayed home, and you cooked and cleaned and took care of me for no pay and no thanks. I wish you’d gotten more thanks… I also wish I wasn’t such a brat sometimes because I’m sure that didn’t help.

Love,

Lila May

~x~

Dear Mom,

Thank you for being my mom. I know that’s a bit of a broad conclusion, but I don’t know how else to word it. Great ideas, bad grammar right? Also, my hand is cramping up, but that’s beside the point. There were so many times in my life where I could have thanked you but I didn’t, because I always assumed you knew. I did try sometimes to write down my gratitude in words on mothers day or birthday cards, but I could never crack it. Because how does somebody thank their mom? I guess I figured it out. Butterfly thank you notes notes from the clearance bin. I just wish you could read these. I wish I could have said all of this to you when you were still here, because I don’t know if you really knew how much I loved you. I guess it’s easier to say everything you should have said when it’s too late. I miss you so much mom.

Oh, and thank you for the laptop you got me as a graduation gift. I’m still using it to this day, and it got me through college. I guess these cards were able to fulfill their original purpose after all. 

I love you, but I hope you know that.

Thank you,

Lila May

P.s. I went to the clearance bins and picked up a pack of thank you notes today. There’s no butterflies on these ones, but flowers are a nice replacement. I’m going to send out those graduation gift thank you’s now. If I've learned one thing, it's better late than never.