A Journey to Acceptance

A Journey to Acceptance 

It takes her forty years. Forgiveness is a process, she comes to understand. Forgetting can't be done, not completely. The sins of the fathers are visited on the children.

Her first childhood memory, the first clear one, was of her dad touching her under her panties. Then her being spanked for not having any on. She was around three.

Had the abuse started then, she doesn't know. It could have. Who has memories before three? Whether she was touched under her diaper too, she will never know.

Her mom says he was a good dad, during her infancy. A colicky baby, he would place her belly down on his bent knees and rock her back and forth. It was the only thing that soothed her.

Was he thinking evil thoughts even then or did they come later, with memories of his own sister's molestation? Another thing she will never know.

Her youngest aunt came to live with them when she was still quite young. She saw her dad cry twice. Once when a tornado tore apart their house and he returned from seeing the damage. The second was when her aunt told him about their father. Mom said he cried at her and her brother’s birth as well.

If you are raised by a monster, how do you avoid becoming one? Her pap’pa has a child with his daughter. No one speaks of it but all know that D is both her cousin and aunt. With such an upbringing did he stand a chance?

Maybe not. But had he stayed away from the drugs and alcohol then maybe he could have fought the demons off.

Daddy's special plants, they were called. They would get beat for touching them. It took her entering middle school and her first DARE presentation to know what they were. 

It wasn't the marijuana that made him crazy. No, it was the combination of that, alcohol, and whatever else he was on at the time.

It got worse when they moved back south, to be near his family. 

She loves her cousins. It is fun to have playmates around all the time. They are living in a trailer on her paternal grandparents farm. They explore fields and woods, climb trees, splash around in creeks. Still, she can't tell her new friends, her cousins about him. She won't tell them about how she dreads the nights and prays he will be gone.

Had she known, really known about her pap'pa too, maybe she would have felt free to share more. That knowledge came later though, right before they left.

Her dad’s dad was taking her somewhere when he pulled over and asked to see under her pants, to see, ‘ how long your hair be getting.’ 

That is when she understands where her own dad gets it. Still, she keeps it quiet. The veil of secrecy is strong. She doesn't want to break up her family.

‘Mom will leave. She will take you both away. It will be your fault. It is okay, what we are doing. It is how Daddy loves little girls.’ 

His words echo around her mind as she closes her eyes each night and waits for it to be over.

Screams and the sound of fists hitting flesh. Her hands go over her ears as she hides under the covers. The sound is followed by the sound of the squeaking bed. 

They are in a laundromat when a stranger lady approaches. She talks to their mom. She watches her face always hyper aware of everyone around her’s emotions. Shock, then anger. 

They are told that night that daddy has a new girlfriend and that he will be living with her from now on.

Finally! Finally she can talk about her secret. It isn't her fault he left. He chose too. 

She tells her mom about the night visits. Her mom cries. Oh, she hurt her! She should have just kept quiet.

Her mom explains she isn't upset with her, not with her. She is mad at their dad for hurting her and ( as she comes to realize later) herself for not seeing it.

Her brother, a few years younger, is mad too. Vows to kill him. Their mom, alarmed, promises that they won't have to see him alone anymore.

She knows she means it when plans are made to head back up north, to her mom's family. She knows it is because she needs support. As excited as she is to move away, a wave of guilt hits at what she has done to this family.

Her grandparents accept their new roommates with poor grace. This doesn't help her guilt. 

They aren't told of the full reason why they moved back. His infidelity is enough. The other is shameful, she thinks, that is why we don't speak of it.

They move into government housing as soon as possible. She starts counseling. Hates every second of it.

Dating, that was the lady ‘s suggestion. To date. Being around boys, outside of her family, makes her nervous and frightful but she wants her to date!

She stops seeing her and tries to pretend none of it happened. High school helps. She buried herself in her studies. Gets her first job. Has a few close friends, none though, that she shares the secret with.

She kisses a boy, a coworker, and makes her grandma mad because he is black. The farthest thing from her father.

Her mom remarries, a man who is only a few years older than herself. Maybe she wants someone completely different too.

It isn't until years later, after she has children of her own, that she really gets it. It wasn't her fault. None of it! Adults, parents are 100 percent responsible for how they treat their children. They can blame it on their own upbringing, on drugs or alcohol. But in the end, it lands solely on them.

When she accepts that, she starts to forgive. Not just him but herself.