Phoenix is not in Colorado

I can’t believe I made that decision. I could've, maybe should’ve, stayed in Phoenix, but I didn’t.

I’m here, in Colorado, thousands of miles from home, hiking in the middle of the night on some dark highway with a ton of shitty owls that won’t shut up.

I know I control my own destiny. Her breaking up with me, six months ago, was the reason I chose to leave. Her wanting me back is the reason I want to be there again. I know I control my own life. Shouldn’t I have some say in what I want?

Amy wants me back.

I got the text from Amy earlier when I was fucking Jan.

Jan and me work together at a resort. That’s why I’ve been in Colorado for the last six weeks. I'm doing prep work in the resort’s kitchen. Jan says I’m learning to be a chef. I don’t know about that, but I am learning a lot.

Jan waits on tables. She’s got some years on me, she’s in her early 30s, with a marvelous ass, and I just turned 20.

It was after midnight when I left Jan’s apartment. That’s when I saw Amy’s text.

She wanted me to call her.

She said she had some things that she wanted to say. Things I wanted to hear.

Immediately, right after I got in my old Civic and started driving back, I texted her to see if she was still awake—she was, I called.

“I shouldn’t have broken up with you,” she said.

She was right. That was what I wanted to hear.

“I know it’s late, can you come over?” She asked.

“No. But not because I don’t want to. I’ve wanted nothing else for months. But I’m not in Phoenix right now.”

That was when shit started to overtake my existence. Not only did my car stop running, again, but I also lost the cell signal—the call dropped.

I did have enough momentum to keep my crappy car from stopping in the middle of the highway as it coasted off to the shoulder. As soon as I got it to stop, I ran back down the highway trying to call again. No signal. I must have run back what felt like a mile or more on that tree filled mountain road, but nothing. I was trying to hold it up, pointing at empty patches of tree branches that would let me see the sky, so it could be closer to a satellite and get it so I could communicate with the rest of the world, but nope, nothing.

As I’m walking back to my car—hoping I can get it to start—I’m now thinking of wolves. I heard someone at the resort talk about ‘fearing the wolf’ but I thought that was just some joke about that old wolf creek highway. Maybe not, shit, I need to get back to the resort, like now.

Amy wants me back.

Back when she broke up with me, I didn’t want to live. Kind of, I wasn’t about to kill myself or anything, I just didn’t want to see that old high school of ours, where I fell in love with her. I saw it almost every day. Huckee’s Burgers, where I worked, was right across the street.

Three months ago, Jesse—the bulwark half-orc paladin in our D & D group—a long-time buddy of mine helped me get out of Phoenix. He told me about this resort. One night, after we had role-played, he said how he had gotten a job doing prep work in their kitchen for the summer. Since I wanted out of town so much, when he offered to get me in touch with those that hired him, I took him up on that.

It wasn’t a hard job to get. I guess I had done enough prep work at Huckee’s for them to hire me. And I do seem to have a knack for this sort of thing. Who knew I’d be so good with brussel sprouts? I used to not even know what those were.

Maybe Jan is right. Maybe I am learning to be a chef.

Another good thing about this job, they have dorms for us to stay in. I didn’t have to get a place in town, we got to stay here rent free.

At least I didn’t have to put up with these owls back in my dorm. On this highway, in the middle of the night, those barn owls sure make a racket with all those hoots.

Amy wants me back.

Back when she didn’t want me, part of it was because I wasn’t the college guy she did want. She denied it, but I got the sense that me not being a frat boy turned her off. She kept saying how frats weren’t important. Maybe not, but that image of her being with a frat boy did seem to do something for her.

I couldn’t afford the university, so I took that free semester at the junior college. Getting decent grades in high school paid off for something. For my second semester, I ended up using all that birthday money I had saved to pay off the tuition bill. That was when I got my part time job at Huckee’s.

I didn’t even know what I wanted for a major. I decided to take the next year off, to see if I could get a better idea about what I wanted.

She broke up with me right after Christmas.

I later found out she started dating a frat guy she met at some sorority mixer. If I couldn’t afford college, how was I supposed to be in a frat?

I don’t know if college is for me. If that’s supposed to be what’s next, I don’t know if I want it. It’s supposed to help me find my path in life. What if that path doesn’t require a college degree?

It is impressive how my dad got his degree. It was different for him. He told me how he paid for it out of pocket from working part time at a burger place. College is a lot more expensive now. I’d need to take out a shit-ton of student loans and be up to my eyeballs in debt for years. I don’t want that—college: yes; debt: no.

It was terrible that the call with Amy dropped, but now I can’t even Uber a ride home. I gotta walk back to the resort, in the dark. At least the phone still has enough juice to cast some light. It’s got no signal, but at least it isn’t completely worthless.

You know, as impressive as it was for my dad to get his degree on his own dime, he did have three different majors before he graduated. It's too expensive now to find out your major that way. I want to know before I return to college and start racking up debt.

Amy wants me back.

She sure didn’t want this car. That Camaro I had in high school was much better, till the engine blew. At least it had all its windows. On this old Honda, the driver side window went down one day and never went back up. That sucked when it rained.

It’s most likely out of gas. The gauge has always been broken. I’m supposed to always fill the tank and count the miles. I was supposed to get 250 miles out of each tank, but I’m pretty sure, on this one, I only got 200. Granted, I didn’t remember till the next morning to reset the trip odometer. I didn’t think I’d gone that far.

Maybe the thinner air eats up more gas?

I turned the engine over, hoping it would start. But no, it cranks, which makes me hope that good things will happen, but it doesn’t even pretend to catch. Nothing.

I start hiking my way up this freaking steep highway. I don’t know how far I am from the resort. Maybe just a couple of miles, maybe more. Either way, lots of climbing. I’m scheduled for the early shift. I know I’ll get there before I start, I just don’t know if I’ll get any sleep. I’m hoping there are no wolves. Really hoping.

The funny thing is that you can, in daylight, see how there is a trail that comes down this mountain from the resort to the highway, almost in a straight line—It practically has handrails. But I can’t see anything right now, it's not like the highway or trail has any lights. I gotta follow this curvy-ass highway up to the resort.

Why does Amy want me back?

She didn’t think I was good enough before. I’m not the same dude I was then, but she wouldn’t know the difference, we didn’t talk at all. She didn’t even know I wasn’t in Phoenix.

As I’m chugging along this highway, kicking rocks and being mad my car died again, I keep wondering what it was that made her want me back.

I know she left me for a frat guy. I know I didn’t stay home by myself, just being sorry she left me. I was being sorry she left while I dated and fucked other girls. OK, the one, maybe two, but still, I’m not a monk. I wasn’t being monkish when she sent that text.

Shit, I now got a rock in my shoe that I need to get out, it hurts. As I deal with it, I remember that night she broke up with me. She was talking like I was the rock in her shoe that she just needed to get rid of. I don’t know if I thought that then or just now.

She wanted to be done with me. It should not have been such a big deal for me, but it was. We had some fun our senior year. That summer after was fun too. It wasn’t that things got boring, I think part of it was we were just in different places.

She was lucky that her parents were able to pay for university. I was over at that junior college, in a way different part of town.

Me not choosing to go to college that second year seemed kind of big to her. I don’t care about that anymore. Why did I then?

I control my own destiny.

I’ll call her tomorrow.

I’ll let her know I’m not in Phoenix.

I’ll let her know I don’t want her back.