Desperate times

Why do I always feel useless at these times? Why can’t I man up and make a decision? The girl in front of me, standing there, nervously as she is waiting for my answer from a love confession. It’s as if the wind picked up and all the elements in the world are up against my shoulders and adding the load on my shoulders, adding to the heftiness of the girl’s confession. My brain is telling me, no but my heart says I should reject her since I don’t have strong feelings towards her.

“So, is that a no?” the girl questions me, I might have been spacing out.

“I am sorry but I don’t have feelings for you, so my answer is no,” I said, a little bit too coldly that I meant it to be,

“I’m so sorry to be a bother to you! I need to go.” She said, tears starting to swell in her eyes, starting to run away from me as if I am a monster.

       This always happens to me, this monstrous cycle always happens and ends as it always is. 

A girl would confess their feeling for me and in the end, I always reject her, no matter who they are. In the end, though, guilt always fills up my heart after each confession. This happens constantly until my heart is to guilty to do anything and I shut myself out from the outside world and stay inside of my room while playing games and reading some books I have. 

        I think the guilt has been overflowing for the past few days since most of the school has been calling ‘The Monster’ for rejecting so many girls over the past few days, but I don’t know why I have been holding out into going to a shut-in. I don’t like being a pest to my family for taking extra care of me but also not to pester my close friends for bringing my work from school and return it to school. 

       Today I feel like just going to my computer writing a lot of things that happened today with another confession, and a lot of tests I had today. I just noticed that I don’t have any materials for cooking today, so I am eating some cup noodles. I look at the horizon while walking to my house, I guess I am lucky that suicide hasn’t crossed my mind while in a shut-in. I don’t even have enough food that would last me a week in my house without going to the convenience store. 

       My house is not that large, Franz wouldn’t call it a house, he said it is more an apartment than a house. Even if anyone says it is just an apartment, I will always call it a house since I have many memories inside it, whether it would be bad ones or the ones I would like to cherish it all throughout my life. I guess I could take a nice, cold shower before eating dinner and going to my special spot to release all my stress since it is being a pain to carry around. 

       After my cold shower, I boil some water for the cup noodles I’m going to have. I don’t think I could only eat one cup of noodles, maybe I need to make 2. I couldn’t even have an appetite but my brain keeps saying that I need the food inside of my body so I am following my brain at the moment. I did finally finish 2 cups of noodles without much thought, it’s as if my body acts on its own, but I am not freaked out though, this is normal for me.

        After dinner, I lay down on my bed, looking at the ceiling. Many thoughts are flying inside my head, and a battle is continuously raging inside my head, between my heart and my brain. The only way to diffuse it for Franz to lend me his shoulder and help me to release out all this stress. So I grab my phone and start calling Franz ;

 “Can you come to The Tree? I need your help. Urgently.” I said in a stressed tone, 

“Ok, but you don’t have to say urgently, I am always here for you. That’s what friends are for, you know.” He said in his always-cheerful tone,

“Thank you, Franz. I’m going right now.” I said in a fake cheerful tone, closing the call.

        I cannot listen to his voice over the phone, I need to face him to console about my problems. I don’t know why but when he lends me help, I always release all my stress, and my heart emptied from all the guilt accumulated from all the rejecting. I also don’t understand why he always helps me from all my problems, maybe it has got to do with his motto in life which is ‘Friends always help each other out, no matter how big the problem is!’. The Tree is below the a-hundred-year old tree because of how peaceful it is there and how no one could see us there.

“Hi, Franz.” I waved to him, showing the warmest smile that I could muster up.

“Hi, long time no see,” Franz said with a sincere smile.

        I knew he is joking since we just met after school but those words still somewhat sting to me so it started to make me cry, but I forcefully choke back the tears. I can’t cry just yet, I need to force my emotions back down, and only show a happy face. 

“It’s not been a long time, Franz. We just met after school, didn’t we?” I said to him in the most cheerful tone I could muster in the state of mind I am in right now.

“I know, chill, dude. I’m just joking but I know why you ask me to come here. You seem fine to me though.” He said in a serious tone,

“I need to talk to you about something, it’s as important as being out of my shut-ins,” I said in a stressed voice.

“I cannot keep on going building up this guilt inside my heart and releasing out every time it overflows. I just can’t keep doing this, it ruining me inside.” I stutter as I say the words I need to say, trying to hold back the dam of tears that is cracking. I fell on my knees, failing miserably to hold the tears back. 

“Oy, it’s ok. I am here for you and we both are going to fix this for you, that is what friends are for.” He said hugging me, patting me on the back. 

        We stayed in this position for a while, or so I think it is. I lose my grasps of time while I’m letting out all my emotions, so I don’t know if we hugged each other for how long. I always do this every time I need to release all my emotions, but today feels special. It feels like today is the day I can stop having these emotional releases.

“I have an idea. How about we find you a true love for you? Like an actual girl, you love or something like that. Maybe you know the right lady to take out?” He said in a playful tone as he releases me from the hug.

“You know I don’t like anyone,” I said nervously while wiping the rest of my tears, “Maybe that one girl but I don’t know what love is like…” I whispered to myself but I think I whispered too loudly.

“Ooo, You have a girl in mind don’t you? I can help with your romantic problems. As you know, I am known as ‘The Cupid’ in school.” He said while laughing.

       He is always like this, no matter the situation, he is always there making jokes like there is no tomorrow. I like him this way, but today it feels special as it can be. I guess this is the meaning of friends helping each other out.