An Alleyway

“What have I done?” she whispered as she held herself tighter. The cold bit against the exposed skin of her hands and face. Her nose and fingertips were reddened and numb with frostbite, but she found warmth in the embrace. In that moment all she wished for was someone, anyone, to hold her, to guide her. She had always relied on others to guide her in life, to help her find her way. She had finally decided to set out on her own, and this is what happens… “You’re such a fool.” a harsh, cold voice inside her said.

Thin snowflakes began drifting lazily down towards her, like icy feathers molting from tiny winter birds. Each flake landed on her like the kiss of a demon, what little warmth her body had left working hard to melt them away. The light from the streetlamps peaked into the alleyway gleaming a harsh neon yellow, interrupted only by the flecks of snow, creating a soft static on the walls around her.

She sat there, huddled against the wall. Trying desperately to find comfort in herself. She was alone. For the first time in her life, she was truly alone. She was cold. She realized now how easy her life had been up to that point. She had always taken for granted that she would have a warm bed to sleep in, a hot meal to eat, and a loving hand to guide her in the right direction. She knew she had chosen to give all that up, but she couldn’t help but feel abandoned, like the alley cat she was.

She reached into her pocket, retrieving a small scrap of paper, given to her long ago, by someone she once relied on. Someone she had vowed she no longer needed. She slowly unfolded the note, gazing at it as if it were the only thing she owned in the world.

I don’t know why you left, I don’t know if it was my fault.

If it was, I’m sorry.

Call this number if you ever need help.

555-4418

I love you.

Her other hand trembled as she picked her phone up off the ground. The screen came to life in front of her. The wallpaper, still unchanged, was a picture of herself, surrounded by people who loved her. She stared at it. It was a reminder of who she once was, of the world she had left behind. She wanted to change it to anything else, it was nothing but a painful memory now, but she could never bring herself to do it. She stared at that girl, the one that shared her name, whose memories she carried, but whose dreams she had lost. That girl stared back.

She took a deep breath and unlocked the phone. She had reached the end of her rope. It was time to call for help. The low battery symbol interrupted her, and the screen went to black. She stared at it, wishing with all her heart that it might light up once more, but all she saw was her sad, dark reflection.

She was tired, cold, hungry, and alone in a city she did not know. She was so far from the place she once called home that at that time, and in that place, she wasn’t sure if that home had ever really existed, or if it was a dream. Something she had thought up to give her comfort and hope for something better. It was real. She knew that deep down. But sometimes it was easier to think that a place like that didn’t exist.

The dull hum of the city seemed to fade away. It finally came to her. like the right words coming to an author, who had been laboring for days to break through writer’s block. Like the right formula to a mathematician, frantically trying to solve an important equation. Like the right treatment to a doctor, desperately praying at a terminal patient’s bedside. She wasn’t sure if it was her own thoughts or divine intervention. It finally came to her, a still, small voice whisper into her soul. Telling her what she needed to hear.

She pulled down the sleeve of her jacket, and gently wiped her cheeks. A mixture of snowmelt and tears soaking into the fabric. She knew how desperate it all was. She knew she couldn’t stay here forever. She knew she couldn’t let things continue like this. It was easy to stay there and keep wishing for someone to save her, but that was a fool’s hope. All she had was herself, and she knew what she had to do. She meekly gathered her strength and pulled herself up. Brushing aside her chestnut hair, she pulled the hood of her jacket to protect her face and ventured out into the world beyond the alley.

As she slipped out from between the buildings, she was battered by a harsh gust blowing down the boulevard. She realized all too suddenly that the walls she thought were containing her had really been protecting her. The wind gave no quarter, harshly battering against her jacket. It felt as if a great beast was trying to blow her out like a candle. The cold she felt now made the thought of returning to the alley a seductive one. She felt a pang of regret. “you did this to yourself, go back to the alley, at least it’s safe there” the harsh voice chided her.

But she was stubborn. She wasn’t going to listen to that voice anymore, she wasn’t going to feed the dark side of herself any longer. The side of her that wanted to be quiet, to let others tell her what to think and how to act. To let herself simply exist, as a passive entity in the world around her. She had rejected that voice before when she set out on her own. She thought back to it all. The people and places she had chosen to leave behind. The heartbreak, the pain, the shame. She still thought it might have been a mistake, but she had learned then that you can’t change the past. You can only move forward.