Magic at the Springfestival

“Come on, smile a little!” My friend elbows me. “It’s a festival, you should enjoy yourself.”

“You know exactly how much I hate festivals.” I growl. “And you know, exactly how much more I hate spring.”

“No sweetheart, you hate life, not spring. I want to eat cotton candy. Let’s go!” She grabs my hand, and starts leading me towards a stall.

It’s not true. I don’t hate life. I just don’t understand it, you know? I don’t understand why people smile about little things. I hate those smiles. They’re annoying. And oh god! How much I hate when people talk about their cool memories! And when they tell me stories about their pets. Honestly, who cares? And spring? Spring is actually the season of people coming alive. It’s the season of talking. Of happiness! Of unimportant, unbelievably annoying, irritating tales.

Okay.

Maybe, I really do hate life.

Can you blame me though?

And yet, here I am! I’m going to eat way too sweet cotton candy, with my way too active friend and I just can’t seem to show a smile. I don’t even remember when was the last time I smiled.

I don’t belong here, and I know it. Look at me. I am grumpy and rude and stubborn and broken hearted and everything people avoid. This, I understand. I would avoid myself too, if I could.

But I can’t. I’m stuck with my miserable life, and I don’t even mind anymore. I don’t even do anything against it anymore. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m not living. I’m just existing.

And I know it’s my fault. You can’t tell me otherwise. I didn’t grab the chance to stand up when I had it, and now, it’s too late to hold onto anything. I’m going to be honest, it’s kind of funny sometimes just how screwed up I am.

“Lil’?” My friend waves in front of my eyes. “Are you there? Which kind?”

“Don’t care, choose one.” I shrug. “I’m going to the toilet.”

“Okay, be careful.”

And this is the time when I sneak away, and go home. Go home to eat disgusting pistachio ice cream with garlic crisps and cry over the Notebook. Yep, that’s me, Welcome to my life, buddies!

“So, you’re just going to leave her there?” A deep voice rings behind me.

“Jesus Christ man!” I jump. “What the hell is wrong with you? You scared me!”

And there he is. I’ve met with many, many annoying people during my life, but believe me when I say, he is easily the most irritating one. He’s irritating with his deep brown eyes, and smooth, silky hair, and his sharp jawline and, and oh god, his height! I hate his height the most! He’s so tall, it’s irritating.

His whole personality is irritating. Everything is irritating about him. His perfect smile, and his perfect muscles, and his almost perfect life, and his almost perfect future. Everything.

I hate him.

I hate him so much that sometimes I forgot how to breath around him, because he’s just too much for me.

I hate him so much that sometimes I forgot just how much I love him.

They really do say, there’s a fine line between love and hate.

And the worst? He knows it.

He knows it, and choose not to ignore it, because he hates me too.

He hates me so much that sometimes he climbs up to my window, just so he can eat ice cream with me.

And the best? I know it.

“Where are you going?” he ignores my question.

“Home.” I turn.

“Stay.” he smiles at me, and I feel those ugly monsters in my stomach cutting my tummy with their little knife as his dimples are showing.

“Why should I? I hate festivals, I hate spring, I hate you and it turns out I hate life itself too.”

“Let’s hate these things with me then.”

“No, thanks.”

“Lil’ we both know it would take exactly one minute for you to turn back and say yes to me. Don’t challenge me.”

“Just admit you don’t want to be alone.” I say.

“I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with you.” I stay silent. “Come on, I want to shoot a fluffy animal for you.”

“Oh god, please no. It’s horribly and disgustingly romantic.”

“I know.” he laughs and I feel like I’m going to die.

“We’re not even together.”

“That makes it even better.” he winks, but I just stare at him.

“One day, you’re going to be the death of me.”

“I know.”

“Just…just let’s go, okay?”

“Your wish is my command.” he puts his arm around my shoulders and I already know it’s going to be one hell of a night.

I look around. I look around and I hate the thought of suddenly not hating everything that badly. It happens every time. Every time he appears, everything becomes suddenly better. Everything becomes visible. The trees around me become pretty and caring. The flower wreathes become gorgeous and colourful, the lanterns above me become warming.

The festival becomes living.

It becomes the most precious thing in this moment.

And I hate it.

I hate how I don’t hate it.

“You’re smiling.” He looks down at me.

“I can smile, if I want to.”

“I thought you would die doing it.”

“You are a real pain in the ass.” I shave him further. “You smell bad.”

“You are one devilish, cruel thing that’s for sure.” He grins.

“I’m not a thing, thank you very much.” I stop in front of a stall. I point at a big blue elephant. “Now, win my heart.”

“It’s already mine.” he looks at me smirking and I gulp a big. Because he is perfectly right.

“Don’t be so bold.”

He shakes his head and pays for a round.

And five minutes later, I have a big blue elephant.

I hate it.

I hate it so much, I can’t erase the smile from my face.

“Stop smiling.”

“What?”

“Stop smiling.” he repeats and glares at some boys.

“Geez, don’t tell me you’re jealous.”

“I’m not jealous!”

“You’re annoying.”

‘But you love me anyway.” he giggles and plants a kiss on my head. I swear I could feel a flower bloom after his kiss.

“I really hate you.”

“Yeah, yeah I hate you too.”

---

It took him two hours to make me enjoy the festival. It took him two hours to make me love- I mean hate him even more.

Man, I’m in way too deep, right?

And now, we’re sitting on a bench near the festival, and we are waiting for the fireworks.

“Did you like it?” he puts a curl behind my ear.

“Definitely not.” I snort.

“Just… don’t do this now, please.” He smiles faintly. “I… I need to know. I need to know you don’t really hate me.”

“You know I don’t.” I clench my fists. “Of course not.”

“I don’t hate you either. Never did. Probably never will.”

I look at him and my throat becomes dry.

And now, I will tell you why I hate spring.

I hate it, because spring reminds me of him. When spring comes, he comes too. He comes alive. He becomes colours, and dreams, and fire, and water, and wind. He turns into a butterfly- no, a dragon. He turns into a dreamer. He becomes magic. But I don’t. I can’t. And I just watch him taking steps forwards without me, but I don’t have the heart to pull him back. You can’t control magic. You don’t want to control magic.

“When will you stop pretending you don’t want to live?” he asks and snuggles up closer to me.

“Would it matter?”

“Yeah.”

“Not to me.”

“But it would matter to me.”

“It shouldn’t.” I say smiling sadly. “I don’t know if I could change anymore. You shouldn’t care about someone like me.”

“Why?”

“Because you are magic.” I turn to him not caring about my tears.

“I’m your magic.”

“I’m not a magician.”

“Everyone needs a little magic, Lil’.” he cups my face with his big hands. “And every magic needs a little reality too.”

“You’re way too good for me.” I sniff. “I really don’t deserve you.”

“I know.”

“You should go.”

“I know.”

“Please don’t.”

“I won’t.”

“Pinkie promise?”

“Pinkie promise.”

And as the fireworks erupt, he kisses me so intensely, I can barely keep up. It was too much. He is always too much, and I love him for it. Because he makes me believe that maybe one day, I will be able to change, to show a middle finger for all the bad things around me.

In this moment, he and I, we are one. We are one, under the loud fireworks, and I don’t even mind, not even a little.

And in all honesty,

I can feel magic blooming in my heart.