Mae goals.

Therapy meeting #3 conclusion:

“Write 10 resolutions for the year” . That’s what Jaina, my therapist told me at our monthly session yesterday. I’ve been going to her since….well, since…. Anyways, yesterday we were talking about our goals (like I have any) and she said that New Year’s would be the perfect time to write out some resolutions for the year and see if I can stick to them…... So here I am, on my bed, as usual. I have my torn-out paper from my broken little notebook-Mae gave it to me for my birthday last year, it’s all messy, but I can’t get rid of it, and my pencil from when I was 5 that’s half chewed but oh well. Here goes, I guess.

1)    Get out of bed for something other than therapy-(it’s…..complicated.) This was the first thing Jaina and I ever discussed. I said how my bed is the only place where I feel safe, where nothing can affect me, and Jaina said, ‘sometimes things that affect you are the best form of medicine.’ Which makes no sense and she’s supposed to be a therapist, but anyways….

2)    Call Auntie Jean and apologize. I haven’t been able to speak to Auntie Jean since. Jaina says it wasn’t my fault (I say it is. But that’s a conversation for another time. Cue: 10 reasons why I'm to blame.) She says I should talk to Auntie Jean since it might help. Yeah right. Like me talking to Auntie Jean will ever help. It’ll only make things worse. I think…….

3)    Stop using dot dot dot after every word I write (no comment).

4)    Paint a picture of *that* day…. (I’m not ready.) Actually, maybe I should change it to ‘paint a picture.’ I haven’t been able to paint since. When I told Jaina about my love for painting, she said it’s a ‘brilliant way to express your emotions’. Well, the only way my emotions are being expressed rn are by the orange colours in my dreams each night.

5)    Give Auntie Jean a hug …..Auntie Jean is the master of huggers, but I don’t think she’s hugged anyone since. I mean, sure, people have hugged her, but that’s different. Jaina thinks that maybe me going over to her would get her to actually hug me, but I think I’d just scare her away.

6)    Stop staring at the cute pic Mae and I took last summer and doing nothing else for 3 hours. It’s a cute pic though. We’d gone swimming and as we were sitting suntanning I snapped this selfie of the two of us by the deck chairs-I’m wearing my black bathing suit covered in my towel, and Mae’s wearing her red and white polka-dot bikini. She was so happy that day…... We both were.

7)    Go buy some matches and candles (aka getting over my fear of fir. (I can’t write it. Forget it.)

8)    Manage to write that word (the one that describes hot orange flames. Yknow, the one that my cousin and I we-)

9)    Celebrate Mae’s birthday how it should have been. (before everything happened…..) we were going to have our joined sweet 16 birthday, and there goes me messing everything up, as usual.

10) Visit Mae’s Grave.

Therapy sesh #4 conclusion:

1)    I got out of bed one time-last week, in fact. I heard Auntie Jean walk in, and she was downstairs, and it sounded like she fell or something, so I got all nervous and ran down to check. When I was standing there, I suddenly realised what I’d done. And Auntie Jean looked at me….and that brings me to resolution number 2

2)    I apologized. I said sorry. Well, I actually said “Look. Auntie Jean, I know, it, um, wasn’t me, but, um, I kinda, well, I just, I wanted to, I'm just, I'm sorry.” I mumbled. And she looked at me, and I could see her eyes fill with tears, so then I got all scared of confrontation and ran back upstairs and I’ve been in my room ever since. When I told Jaina this, she was really proud. She had that awkward smile, the one where she’s trying not to praise me, but deep down is screaming with excitement.

3)    Yeah right.

I haven’t done anything else. But Jaina said it’s ok, and “these things take time.”

Concluding therapy sesh #5

1)    Since my previous session, I’d say I go out of bed…..an average once a week?(so four times, since it’s been, yknow…a month since my previous session). I mean, the first week was when I talked to Auntie Jean, the second one was to grab the food out of the oven-Auntie Jean said she’d left some lasagna in the oven, and you know I can’t resist lasanga, third time was because I felt like I smelled burning from downstairs……it was only the smell of cooking. And the fourth time was yesterday. I went and got my art supplies from the office downstairs.

2)    Done.

3)    Never gonna happen……

4)    I painted. I mean, it’s not like I painted the scene or anything, but I painted a girl all in black, with a house beside her, all in black, holding a balloon with-you guessed it, a black 16 on it. The balloon part came after. First it was just a girl, but then I felt like I should add the 16 on there cus……..yknow.

5)    I didn’t give her a hug, but I did hold her hand if that counts? It was last week when she walked into my room. She does that sometimes now. I mean….even though she doesn’t live with us anymore, I guess she still feels lonely, and when she knocked on my door last week (something she hasn’t done at all), it was like old times, when her and Mae lived here….. when she basically raised me. And she stood by the doorway and looked so sad, and I kind of just went up to her and held her hand, and she sighed. And then my fear of confrontation came in again, and I kind of ran back to my bed…..it was a bit awkward but I think she understood. Jaina said she probably did.

6)    I can’t stop staring.

 I did nothing else.

Therapy sesh #6 conclusion:

1)    I think I can cross this off my list (Jaina said I can). I went back to art class. When I walked in, everyone stared at me. They all looked up at me, and I just felt so awkward. But I mean like, come on? Surely you can worry about other things. It’s already been 6 months.

2)    Done.

3)    Please.

4)    I sat with Jaina yesterday. I was actually in a good mood (well, if you call wearing a grey hoodie a good mood) but…..I guess it’s better than my normal black clothes so yeah. Anyways, Jaina told me to bring my paint supplies, so that’s what I did, and we sat, and I…..I tried painting the day. I couldn’t manage to. Well, I mean, I painted the house, and……..the cake. But I didn’t paint anything else. Damn the painting was weird. A random house all in black, and next to it a giant cake….black too.

5)    Haven’t done the hugging thing yet….working on it though. A lot more physical touch (not that I can really touch anyone, except for Auntie Jean, and Jaina. And Sam came home last week, but he’s not much of a hugger, and he just came to check on the house and he left within a day. He’s a crappy guardian. An even crappier older brother).

6)    I put it in this notebook. I finally pulled the pic out of the frame by my bed and put it in the notebook. It’s stuck to the back page, at least it’s not in the frame by my bed anymore…….except now I can’t stop and flip to the back of this notebook to stare at the picture. Come to think of it….that day was actually hot. Oh, and that’s another thing-now I can’t stop staring at the back of my notebook. So, half a point, I guess?

7)    Lol. Haven’t done that. I think Auntie Jean brought some matches, but I'm not touching them. Jaina said it’s ok, and we still have time. She also said she was ‘pleased with my progress’ but come on, I'm not four. 

8)    F fir fir fir fiiiiiiiiiiiiir, frie. Fir-sorry, can’t do it.

9)    I haven’t even thought about that but I have a few months to go before what would have been her 17^th so……..

10) …….

Therapy sesh #7

1)    Art class, I started catching up on my schoolwork in the office, I only see my room about…..3 hours a day now (minus the times I'm sleeping, of course.)

2)    I actually had a long talk with Auntie Jean. We sat together on the couch and spoke about……everything, and she said she’s going to try and be here more for me, and I said “ditto.” Then she said that it wasn’t my fault, it was just a horrible accident and these things happened, and it got kinda awkward, but I stayed there cus she’s my aunt and I love her.

3)    Lol

4)    I did it. Jaina said it might help me if I did it with someone so Auntie Jean and I worked on it together. I didn’t know she could paint that well. It felt really good though. We drew the room, and Mae and I inside…and then once we had a giant paper we quickly ripped it up and flushed it down the toilet. Jaina asked me why I didn’t burn it. Lol.

5)    Yup. We’re huggers now.

6)    It’s still in this notebook, and I still stare at it……..not as much as I used to……but I’ll still spend like an hour just staring at the pic. And yeah, it was boiling that day. And Mae was mad because her bikini was too small. It kinda was, thinking about it.

7)    Nope, I still can’t do it. I'm actually kinda annoyed, like, it’s just matches…but Jaina said it’s ‘perfectly natural’.

8)    Ablaze, burning, hot, smoke, ashes, coal. Fi-nope. Can’t do it.

9)    2 months till Mae’s B-day. Auntie Jean and I may or may not have something up our sleeves. Tbd.

10) I can’t.

Therapy sesh 8 conclusion:

1)    My room has now officially been transformed back to my bedroom-solely used for sleeping (!!!).

2)    Done.

3)    Hah.

4)    Done.

5)    Done.

6)    I only look at the picture for 5 minutes-each night before I go to bed…….and that’s about it.

7)    I bought a box of matches yesterday. I actually went alone to the store, and I was shaking. The cashier looked at me weird-I guess it was kinda. A 16-year-old just buying matches and nothing else? And my hand was shaking like crazy too. But I did it. Jaina said I didn’t have to light them or anything….that it was O.K.

8)    Fire. OMG! I DID IT. I-

9)    Sorry, had to run and brag to A.J-I’m back now. Mae’s B-day? We’re working on it.

10) I just can’t.

Today was my last session. It’s been a year. A year since I started therapy, a year since Mae and I were supposed to turn 16, and only one of us did, a year since the birthday cake candles that I lit set on fire and Mae was stuck upstairs. A year since I lost not only life as I knew it, but I lost my cousin and best friend too. For her birthday we went up to her grave-it was just Auntie Jean and I. I managed to light a candle (albeit shakingly), and we stood and sang happy heavenly birthday to her. it was my birthday too….it’s weird being without Mae, but it felt good to look at my resolution chart this month.

Therapy sesh #12 conclusion:

1)    Done.

2)    Done.

3)    Nope.

4)    Done

5)    Done

6)    Done.

7)    Done.

8)    Done.

9)    Done.

10) Done.