To My Dear Second Love

Dear Abrahan

“Some days I wish I could go back in time. Not to change anything, but to feel a few things twice.”

Love,

Jolene

As I lay in my bed thinking about him, I wonder if things would ever change. Does he remember our first kiss? Will he come back? Does he still think of me? Does he think about the memories when he would rev the engine of his mustang to let me know he was nearby? Only the god of the heavens knows.

Dear Diary, 2/9/2024

I remember the first time I met you. It was January of the year 2023. You texted me and said the sweetest words. Originally I wasn’t interested in you and didn’t acknowledge your existence. You were just another womanizer in my eyes. Or so I thought. From the very start, even before we met, Abrahan would come see me at work. Each time he would do his best to impress me with the noise of his mustang. It was such a beautiful noise that filled me with excitement. If only I knew that noise would devastate me in the future. Upon hearing it today it reminded me of our first date in a restaurant, the first time my mother drove me to you. The drive towards you had me feeling butterflies everywhere. My thoughts wandered off in a state of panic overthinking this whole thing with what if's. What if he changes his mind about me? What if when he stares at my eyes he notices my imperfections? We finally arrived to the parking lot infront of the restaurant. As these thoughts run wild in my mind I watch him step down from his car. The same car that brought me trauma in the time ahead. Slowly my mind calmed down. I just could not help but think of him and only him at this moment, not knowing how this man would bring me happiness and pain at the same time. I still can't forget the first words he said to me oh so sweetly.

"you look so pretty and nervous"

He was wearing a black shirt we had previously talked about on the phone. The shirt cuffed his biceps and his gold chain was showing. His curly hair was so dark. I almost wish I had those curls. Even still his eyes were his most mesmerizing feature, those beautiful bleary eyes. Oh, those eyes. Something I will always remember. Truly how lucky I am to be with such a ravishing man, my future Amor.

Dear diary, 3/8/2024

I'm still thinking about you, my love. I remember the day when we first kissed. There we were sitting next to each other on a bench infront of a fountain in our small town. It was close to midnight and the fountain made the most calming flow. I was avoiding eye contact. I felt an ick, I've never truly been affectionate. It was embarrassing to me, but now I regret it. I wished I hugged you, held your hand, and gave you all the affection I had inside of me. Truly no one understands the important things until they lose them.

As the moment happened he grabbed my chin and was going for it, If only I would've let him. Sadly, out of awkwardness, I slapped his face softly away and laughed it off. As he looked at me with curiosity he asked.

“Girl, why are you laughing?” .

I giggled so much I couldn’t answer , I was so tense. I was way too flustered, My makeup began to sweat off and my hands were fidgeting with my bracelet. His phone then rang and I was relieved for a second. Finally a moment of peace. It was his sister. She was at work and he needed to go pick her up. As I was gathering my thoughts together he hung up and before I got a chance to push him away again he went for another kiss. Unexpectedly It was so sweet, his lips were so rosy and so pillow-like. I felt his beard on my face and all I could think about was how this man would either be my husband or my biggest heartbreak. He smeared my nude lipstick off and then I hear my favorite noise of all time. The wet, smacking sound that happens when you’re kissing the one you adore.

“Your makeup and perfume smells good,” he says with his soft deep cuban accented voice.

Ugh how I adored that voice of his, If only i could've kept it forever, But as all things come they also go. He then leaned in for another kiss, I felt so warm even though it was bitterly cold outside. My head was on his chest and his head was tilted with his veiny hands stroking my cheeks that were cold, pale, and in a blush pink. The rest of my memory is foggy. Basorexia, The overwhelming desire to kiss. This definition is what I am feeling at the moment. If only I could go back to better times and relive this moment with him once again, the things I would do.

Dear diary, 7/18/2024

It is now the summer of July and I’m still thinking of my sweet boy. As I'm watching all these couples enjoy their summer together I wished that I was with you at the beach sunbathing with eachother on the warm sand and feeling your abs on my hands, watching kids run around wishing they were ours, and looking at your copper eyes in the sun. Thoughts of you overfilled my mind as I continuously watched mustangs come and go. Even as the calming salty beach wind was in my face. Along with my girlfriends singing so loudly by my side, loud enough to bust anyone's eardrums. I still could not stop thinking of you, Only the bittersweet memories clouded my mind that day.

As I remember the days when you would drive and rev your engine to let me know you were nearby. Especially in times when I missed you and wanted to see your pretty smile. Those days I just couldn't wait to go back home so we could facetime. August of the year 2023 was a big month for me. It was the first time you called me Amor and let me know the three sweet words that any lover wants to hear, “I Love you”. When I heard these words my heart raced and I didn’t know what to say because affection was hard to show. Before he gave me a chance to awkwardly reply he had sweetly mentioned an idea that I enjoyed.

He said “Mi Amor, I was thinking we could go to a car show together in October and show you off to my friends so they can meet you. Are you down?”

The words that came out of his mouth made me feel special. Sadly, I never made it to the car show or met his friends. We broke up in September because of my lack of affection. I did not make him feel loved. I was overly jealous about every little thing to the point where I didn’t communicate and ignored him. I let my overthinking become a reality. I came to conclusions and lost my dear Abrahan, but that facetime was the best call I ever had with him. It was the first time we felt comfortable with each other. We acted goofy, so infatuated with each other. We truly only wanted to be with each other, for that moment and that moment only. As he left for work I wished I could've done something to make time freeze and I'd never lose him. I truly don't know if there will ever be a day when My love for Abrahan will ever fade away. I still crave for his love and affection. If only I knew how he felt now. Maybe, just maybe I could get over him, but who knows if that's even possible. I'm now just left with memories of him and his mustang. I wish that every passing mustang I see would be his. Who knows maybe this pain could go away even if its just a little.

Dear diary, 12/7/2023

I'm so tired. No matter how much I try to get over him he just finds a way to crawl back in. At least I can still see him. Those were my thoughts before he moved away to florida. How am I going to get through this? I’m at the point where I can’t do anything anymore. No goodbye's, no last looks, nothing. He just left from our boring little town. It’s such a bitter feeling to know he doesn’t love me anymore or thinks about me. I hate how one sided this love truly is. Is it going to be this way forever? My head is clouded with these negative feelings. This man has truly brought me to the bottom, thinking to do things I would've never thought to do. All I want right now is to see him one last time and apologize. I want to admit my mistake, I'm so very sorry Abrahan, I could have been your wife. Yes, the wife who would be there for you after work. I could've baked heart shaped cookies for you. I would've learned to give you the love you deserve. Yes, the type of love where you'd never feel the loneliness I'm feeling now. I would give you massages, tender kisses and on a daily basis the words I love you would leave my mouth. I wanted to support you and have the sweetest kids with you. If it was a girl I would've named her Vetala. If it was a boy I would name him after your dad, Gabriel. They would have had the prettiest curls and the most heartwarming hugs. I've imagined them running to you after you getting home from work revving your engine to let us know you’re back. Our kids would run towards you and scream out.

“DAD, MOMMY BAKED COOKIES FOR US!”.

But no, I screwed it up. I don’t even remember our last kiss. You’re slowly becoming a faded memory. All I can say is that I miss you and hope the best for you. To my dear sweet Abrahan I hope you find all you're looking for. Maybe one day you can receive the love you deserve.

“So how did you like my story? I used actual events but twisted it a bit to make it heartbreaking.” Said jolene.

“Girl, why did you make it seem like we broke up?” Said Abrahan.

“Well, I wanted to inspire teenagers why they should show affection to their lover. You never know what you can regret when you break up with someone. It can turn to a one sided love and cause harm if you let the emotions break you.”

“I love you, Jolene. The best decision I made was to marry you.”

“I love you too, Abrahan.”

“Cmon, let’s go pick up the kids from school and then we can go to that car meet and show them the newest mustang. What are you doing?” Said Abrahan.

“Oh, did you forget? I baked heart shaped cookies for the kids. It’s friday. I’m just taking them out of the oven and taking them to the car meet.”

Abrahan stared at Jolene with his tired looking eyes. He gave her one last kiss before leaving. He put his arms around her waist and stroked her hair out of her face and leaned in for a slow and tender kiss that gave Jolene butterflies in her stomach. She felt like she met him for the first time again and her pale cheeks turned red. He helped her take out the cookies from the oven. The aroma was sweet just like their kiss. They hopped in the mustang. The same mustang that revved the engine for jolene when she was at work as a teenager. They went off to pick up Vetala and Gabriel.

To my second love, Abrahan

“You are the only one who has ever touched my heart. It will always be yours”

Love,

Jolene