Swansong

Amanda walked over to the stage and sat on the edge. Her legs were like jelly and she could feel the sweat dripping down the back of her tight, cropped t-shirt. Her armor she called it. It was a great show tonight. The crowd was amped up. That electricity always traveled from them into her as she stood on stage behind the microphone. It always took her a little while to come down from the high. For the energy to fade, like mist evaporating from the asphalt after a summer storm.

As the tingles dissolved from her fingertips, she looked out at the empty room. Once filled with thousands of screaming fans, it was now a shell littered with plastic cups and confetti. That was Jamie’s idea for the encore. Just when they thought it was over, the band came back out to sing Waves Over Me, their biggest hit to date. At the end of the song, as soon as the word ‘over’ left her mouth, confetti rained down from the ceiling. He was right. It was a very cool way to end the show. The fans loved it.

Amanda was going to miss performing. Tonight, in front of her hometown, was her swansong. Amanda Swan was retiring at the ripe old age of 27. Oh, the band would go on. Jamie made no bones about that. His exact words were, “You can do whatever the hell you want. But don’t expect us to roll over and play dead too. We can easily find someone to replace you.”

That hurt, she had to admit. Swansong, the band, was her idea. Hell, it was her name. She had put her blood, sweat, and tears into the band for eight years. Amanda had nothing left to give. She needed a break. The guys couldn’t understand that. Since she was 19 years old, the band and all its iterations had been everything to her and for her. She wrote most of the lyrics, many of the melodies, and dealt with the business side, which was no easy feat. Jamie, Roy, and Duncan played what she told them. If they thought they could do it without her, let them try.

Truth be told, Amanda was scared that they could, in fact, do it without her. Jamie was an extremely talented musician. And he could write music when he tried. The problem was, he never wanted to try. Maybe he just didn’t want to try with her. He certainly didn’t want to try hard to save their romantic relationship.

As if on cue, Amanda looked up from her inner musings and saw Jamie walk out from behind the stage dragging his groupie of the night by the hand. He had some smooth moves. She would give him that. With his long, shoulder-length dirty blonde hair and soulful blue eyes, most women were powerless to resist his charms. She watched as he led her to his guitar propped up on the side of the stage. As he caressed the neck of his fender, she recalled how his hands felt on her neck, gently curving down to her breasts. Now, she watched as his hands glided down someone else’s neck.

The girl was cute. Just his type. Long blonde hair, legs that ran for miles up to tiny denim shorts. Cut in half by cowboy boots. Their female fans had a uniform.

Amanda was not Jamie’s type. She knew that before Tulsa. It was an amazing show that night. The band was on fire. Finally jelling after months on the road. Amanda was too exhilarated to relax. When the guys asked if she wanted to head to the bar with them for their usual after-gig routine, she didn’t hesitate to say yes.

“Whoa!” Duncan exclaimed. “You’re actually going to grace us with your presence. Has hell frozen over?” He laughed so hard at his own joke, he dropped his drumsticks.

“Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. I have a feeling I’m going to be carrying one of you home.”

The beer flowed freely and everyone was feeling good. Jamie was particularly charming.  Amanda couldn’t help but be drawn into his orbit. By the end of the night, she was the one who needed to be carried back to the hotel. Jamie chivalrously offered to guide her.

Amanda didn’t remember who initiated what that night. But the next morning she was doing the walk of shame out of Jamie’s room, down the hall to her own. Thus began a stream of hookups that never turned into more. Despite Amanda’s wants and desires. Every time she brought up making things official, Jamie hemmed and hawed and backtracked, citing the band. They had a good thing going. Why ruin it. If things didn’t work out, it could hurt the band.

It all came back to the band.

The band.

About a year after that first night, Amanda saw Jamie and one of his groupies after a show in Santa Fe. A part of her thought he let her find them tangled together on purpose. He had the decency to look contrite, but never asked for forgiveness. They weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend. They weren’t anything. He technically didn’t do anything wrong. There was no reason for Amanda to put up a fight. So she didn't. It was probably better this way.

That was three years ago. The band played on. Got more famous. Amanda got more burnt out.

And now she had Liam. Liam worked at the recording studio. She had known him for years but never gave him a second thought once she left the studio. Six months ago, he worked up the nerve to ask her out for coffee after a session. Coffee turned into dinner, which turned into many nights spent together talking and laughing. With his soft brown hair, neatly trimmed around his ears, and his warm green/hazel eyes, he was everything Amanda was looking for in a partner. The exact opposite of Jamie. Liam supported Amanda in taking a break. Possibly a permanent break.

Tuning into Jamie’s conversation with his latest flavor, Amanda picked up a word here and there. They were no longer conversing in hushed illicit tones.

Band; Singer; Replacement

What the hell? Was he really planning to replace her before her spit on the microphone had a chance to dry? While she was still in the building?

Hopping off the stage and making her presence known, Amanda cleared her throat. “Ahem. Excuse me, Jamie. Could I speak to you?” She tried to keep the bitter taste out of her voice, but looking at this girl who could possibly replace her was hard.

“What’s up?” Jamie sauntered over to her with a small smile playing on his lips.

“Did I hear you correctly? Are you trying to find a replacement for me? Already?”

“Well, you didn’t think we were going to break up the band, did you? Just because you want a break doesn’t mean we all do. I told you before. You’re not irreplaceable.”

Amanda thought carefully before speaking. While she could see never returning to the band, who knew how she would feel tomorrow. Or next year. They had all worked too hard to burn all their bridges.

“Jamie, I know I’m not irreplaceable. I never said I was. But I do think I deserve the common courtesy of at least waiting till I’m not here before you do replace me. You may even want my help in finding a new singer. You ever think of that?”

Jamie just stared at Amanda with an expression she couldn’t decipher. It was a cross between disdain and pity. In that moment she didn’t recognize him.

“You have just confirmed that I’m making the right decision. Thanks for that.”

Amanda smiled and walked away, heading for the exit doors. She turned around to see Jamie standing alone in the empty room, lost among a sea of trampled confetti.

She reached the exit and pushed open the doors of the arena, walking away into the cool night air. There were still people mingling around outside, hyped up, singing at the top of their lungs. Amanda was tempted to join in. But then she saw him. Liam. He was walking toward her through the crowd.

When he was a few feet away, he waved over to her. 

Waves Over Me

I see your smile across the room

It pulls me in

I see your hand reach out for mine

It pulls me in

When everything goes dark

You are the light

When everything goes wrong

You are the right

When I need shelter from the storm

Your love waves over me

Waves over me

Waves over