THE THIRST

Even 8 years later, I would inadvertently touch my wrist expecting to feel it there. Yes, there was the feeling that threw me off every time. In a single treacherous thought, my every achievement, satisfaction and glory would vanish to leave me staring at my basic self; that kid incapable of showing true manhood. That kid who just stared as the guy posing as his best friend told him “It just happened on its own” as he and my girl, the love of my life, walked away into the nocturnal county fair leaving me alone and behind.

I can’t say for sure which stake did away with my life as I knew it once and for all. At first I thought it might have been the way she had dressed that night, so beautiful, to find out it wasn’t meant for me. Maybe it was the way she treated me that night from the moment I showed up at her place; as if I were a child she was allowing to tag along with her. Maybe it was the way she started leaving me aside little by little while screaming with her body language that she preferred to move on to something new…

No, it had to be the signs weeks before then; the ominous chill that little by little coated out the fires of the warmth she had unconditionally covered me with for over four years. But then again, that wasn’t as painful as when I began to notice an eagerness on her part to be around Floyd more, and smile and laugh more when in his presence, and how stupid I was to brush it off with denial. So pathetic, just burying my head in the sand hoping everything would be different when I gathered the courage to face reality again…

No, no… It just had to be the way she added insult to injury when she turned around to look at me one last time and tell me: “You can still hang out with us tonight if you want.” … I can still see the way she looked at me as clear as I can see the palm of my hand today when I answered “Fuck no, thanks”. I knew her well. Her eyes were telling me I just may have some true manhood to lure out from deep down, some day.   

Still, I wasn’t convinced with any of these options. The pain that did away with me just had to be enrooted even deeper, where even I wouldn’t expect to find it… Then it hit me when I touched my wrist once again…Yes, it was the last time we ever contacted each other, not even looking at each other, but through text messages, when she asked me if I wanted the gold plated bracelet I had given her to prove how solid our love was back. Yes, one of the three my mother gave me before her mysterious condition rendered her cognitively incapable of connecting with the world outside her mind, and eventually doing away with that too, along with her very life.

The saddest thing was how I thought Kasey would see me as a tough guy by telling her to keep it, when my bare wrist would always remind me of its unbearable absence on the anniversary of when mom handed it to me. Just later that same day began the endless cycle of envisioning mom’s disappointment lying on one of her several hospital beds right after handing it to me, the day she told me it represented her approval of me moving on along with a great woman I promised to choose with nothing but qualities honoring my own private pursuit of happiness.

Yes, that was the stake that killed my heart once and for all, piercing through as if doing away with a mythical vampire much like it did with my fictitious show of manhood… It was knowing that regardless of whatever I achieved, she would always have that huge piece of me that would keep my self-actualization at bay. Yes, regardless of who I met and moved on with to go on filling my life with meaning and purpose, she would always have the final building block of this true man under construction. 

Reaching this conclusion was so convenient with that wedding invitation in hand; one so insulting yet so defying… I knew her well in essence. I read between the lines of “request the honor of your presence to the marriage of Kasey Lynn and Floyd Templeton”. What it really read was: “We welcome and dare you to show Kasey what she actually missed out on; if you’ve grown the balls to do so.”

And then the flashbacks flooded back into center stage of my thoughts. They came at me like a tsunami just erasing everything in its path to make it the only conceivable reality; for the present and its foreseeable future. I, as my own worst enemy went on self-destruct mode, overwhelmed by the times she tested me, and instead of responding like a man, I acted like her best friend. The images of the things I had the duty of reading as challenges to my position as her man that I cowardly brushed aside as playfulness; the times I considered acting unaffected would prove how strong I was, when what was required of me was to make my authority felt beyond any hiding places for doubt.

There they were, all the tell-tale signs I chose to ignore, that led to that sneak moving in on my girl, making her feel like he really had the answers for making her feel protected and excited about life… Now this was about more than my own honor. It was about living up to my mother’s expectations too. However, it was about something more I needed to satisfy. I wasn’t sure what that was. But I did know I’d figure it out when I would see her again. 

Every hypersensitive alarm within me went off activating my vicious lines of thought that had me in such a sad and vulnerable stage of my life in the first place. The mental images and internal voices ranged from how easy it would be to just throw that invitation away and pretend to forget about it all, to how pointless it would be to see someone who’s supposed to not mean anything to me anymore. However, I knew by then when I couldn’t afford to trust my own immediate judgement. And that’s what got me into my car and pushed it 96 miles to that absolutely spectacular beachside wedding scenario… Ever since I walked down the stairs at my elementary school grounds to a crowd of kids waiting at the playground to watch the fight between Mark, the classroom punk, and I; I had not been as intimidated. It was then I realized that if I had put myself in a scenario such as that one when I was 11 years-old with that punk in a tuxedo called Floyd, back at 19, I would have probably spared myself the current dire scenario. With as afraid as I was of that Mark guy back then, I would have preferred to be there facing him again than among all that wedding day beauty, elegance and cheer that seemed to just want to kill me slowly.

…Then came the culminating and fatal sword that was set to pierce through my heart again. As I was walking down the hill from the parking lot and to that spectacular wedding scenario setup; Kasey, looking so beautiful and celestially radiant in her wedding dress fit for immortal fairy tales!! Resistance to awe was just futile! I had to stop in my tracks just to get myself together again, and hope she hadn’t seen me.

The fact that I got to see her before the groom was just a thing of casual chance, really. From where I was I got a lucky peek at her in her roofless dressing room as she got up to open the door for her mother. I knew the superstition of bad luck bestowed on a couple who sees each other before hitting the aisle at a wedding, but I wasn’t sure what kind of luck was expected when it was an ex-boyfriend who got that view.

The whole place was full of pretty and cheerful faces, most of them unfamiliar. The familiar ones were already making me uncomfortable. I could already see the man who would have been my father in-law, and the little girl who wasn’t so little anymore who would have been my sister in-law asking me a whole bunch of questions regarding where I’ve been, and where I seem to be going, while peeking at my body language wondering why I would be at that wedding in the first place. However, I had rehearsed this scenario a few times on my long drive, so when they sighted me and came towards me, on my mental scales I had discomfort on one side, and relief to have someone address me knowing I had shown up by myself on the other. The relief weighed a little more, fortunately.

My would-be father in-law was cordial yet somewhat curious as to why I was there. Stephanie, my former bratty would-be sister in-law, however, was just adorable. She perceived my conflicted emotions, and knew I’d probably need a friendly face to turn to.

I wanted to get passed the most uncomfortable of moments I had anticipated, which was locking eyes with Floyd. I didn’t want to kiss his ass, but I didn’t want to come off as rude either considering they did invite me, after all, despite not being 100% sure as to why. So all I could do was greet with a nod, which almost gave me a headache, to which he nodded back, but somewhat worried, as if he hadn’t expected me to show up.  That made me somewhat uncomfortable, but I found a bit of relief knowing it did him as well. And through that exchange, little sis Stephanie pretending not to notice anything.

After waiting approximately another 15 minutes, the sign that it was almost show time came out embodied in Sarah, Kasey’s mother, eager to position herself in the front row. But just before she positioned her rear end to accommodate to her fancy armchair seemingly appropriate for a queen, she couldn’t help but notice something that made her pause mid-air before hitting that cushion; me. She was rather startled at the sight; so much so, that she forgot her manners and to greet. It was curious because the last I knew we got along well… I suppose I understood her up to a certain point. Not everything we like is fit for all of life’s events. I love avocados, but I wouldn’t eat one at a wedding.

So there I was, all set for an event that I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out how I was supposed to fit into, ready to watch how a despicable individual would pact a lifelong love alliance with the love of my life, and left wondering what I could do to not end up looking absolutely pathetic for it. I mean, I was starting to think I should avoid any photo opportunities, just to not leave all the other guests wondering who I was, all to end up finding out I was just that sorry ass kid who decided to tag along with the girl that left him for his then BFF. I could not tarnish my self-worth in that way! I could not go in these two families’ permanent histories as the unpaid buffoon of the wedding who came to see her who stomped his self-worth to death go off into the sunset with he who claimed to have his back just before stabbing it! Oh no!

Right then, in the middle of the organ music signaling her imminent arrival, I knew I only had 2 choices; to be remembered as the 0 to the left of the party, or to become the main event. I was in no position for anything in between. Suddenly, everyone around started turning around one by one, and Floyd’s eyes lit up in a way mine hadn’t earned the right to. That’s when I knew I had no more than 15 minutes to re-vindicate myself or walk away left behind like on that night at the county fair, in which I had to walk into my family’s house and lie to my dad as to why I was back so early, only to lock myself up in my former bedroom, pack early to head back for my college dorm the following Sunday, and cry myself to sleep not realizing I knew nothing about life after all.

I had no idea what to do. All I knew was that it would start by standing out in the seated crowd by being the first to stand up and look her straight in the eye, just to make sure she got a good look at me… Her reaction hit me like a divine lightning bolt. It left me motionless not knowing what to do next. I would have expected her to not even bother looking straight back at me, or to greet me with a slight tilt of the eyes out of sheer courtesy. I even expected her to act like I wasn’t there. But I knew her well. I caught her way off guard without a chance to put on any mask. I knew what that look meant…She was shocked I had actually made it, first of all, and suddenly the glimmer in her eye turned to discomfort… My eyes kept on piercing away at her while she pieced her poise back together without even considering looking towards her left again. Not since she was a little girl had she felt such a need to cling on to her father’s arm a little harder.

Suddenly I was more comfortable in the crowd. Suddenly, my presence could make a difference after all…

I still had no idea what I was going to do exactly. And then I felt as if my heart were pumping in my throat, and my limbs were going numb. However, I knew I would figure it out on time, much like the first time I saw her and had no idea what I was going to say to her…I just felt the chemistry and knew it would take us where we needed to go as long as I dared to just flow along with it.

So when “We are gathered here…” transitioned to “Speak now or forever hold your peace.” I could sense it in her posture and the lack of motion of her body, all while Floyd felt 7-feet tall… She was just cringing inside, not knowing if she wanted the expected unexpected, or to get passed the moment once and for all… She wasn’t getting off that easy:

-Kasey, I know we’ve been through so much all this time apart. –as I did what I could not to shake like a dead mosquito in the wind-  …However, I also know that I’m going to need my bracelet back. There was no reason you should have kept it in the first place.

I could hear a bunch of sighs, gasps and even “What the hell!!” in the background. To several of them, I had to have some kind of chemical excuse to be so out of my mind. But you could have heard the veil attached to the back of her head drop when she answered after a considerable pause:

-…Ok... Well you’re in luck. I actually have it here. –reluctant and nervous- Well, not here, but in my dressing room.

To which Floyd couldn’t help but interrupt: “Is this some kind of prank!?”

But for mysterious reasons, our conversation went on as if we hadn’t heard anything:

-And what made you bring it here to your wedding?

-Really, the heck if I know.

-Maybe we should take the time to figure it out.

-Yes, we have to.

It was right about then that the whole place went into chaos. Floyd grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her, as if wanting to make her snap out of whatever she was under. I made my way beyond those blocking me in my row and up to the altar to demand Floyd to leave her alone, along with her father, incredibly.

Floyd’s family men and a few girls too, got up and close up telling me to show some respect, and ready to show some serious disrespect for that purpose.

About ten minutes of pushes, shoves and a few punches later, we shut them all up when she remembered who I was to her while looking at me from the other side of the battle field, and upon realizing that I was the man she had been expecting since back in the day by claiming what was mine when it mattered most. She could no longer hold back, so she just jumped on me falling on top of me on the marble floor, and tamed me with a long kiss from the depths of her soul, one of 8 years’ worth of repressed feelings and immortal memories.

Floyd shouted out: “This insult warrants the fucking death penalty!!”

Just before the violence escalated, the reverend took advantage of the mic in his hand and announced: “No, this is a true wedding; one in which we learn that first true love is forever love.”

…And the silence was deafening. All anyone could hear was hers and my lips smacking each other after 8 years of thirst.