Cut off

Dozens of smiles flashed in front of my face as I swiped upwards with my right finger. Some of these people were my friends and the rest, unknown. Are these people happy? Or do they pretend to care about this life? 

Why can’t I care? Why do I not want to care? What is so wrong with me that I can’t fucking care about living. Maybe it’s easier to say that I’m just mentally ill, that I was born like this. I might even believe the same to some extent. But what is the real reason? Am I sick?

Yesterday, my boyfriend came to surprise me at my university. It’s the typical long-distance relationship between two lovebirds that can’t seem to stay away from each other. But I wish it was only that simple. I wish that this was a fairytale and that once the cupid’s target, always trapped in it. But alas. 

He did come over, brought me some food. Surprised me, took me out to eat too. And then told me in clear words that ring in my ears for hours and hours. “I want to stay with you, but I don’t know how to”. It was like a dream that shattered on me. 

I admit my mistakes. I admit that I have been a bad person, that I have been self-centred, that I have not shown him enough love. I admit again that I did bad, that I risked our relationship, that my reckless actions broke us apart. But am I not allowed another chance? He’s always given me many chances, how was I supposed to know that… this was the last one? I would have tried harder. I would have controlled myself. I would have been better. 

He said that he was disappointed in me. He certainly showed it to me by his words. The day before our break up, he called me. He warned me, “Don’t drink please, or I will like you less”. Of course, he’s always been so lenient with me so I didn’t listen. I did it. I drank for the first time in my life. I did it when he was miles away from me. I did it until I was completely wasted. And I did something horrible. I cheated. 

You, the one who reads the story, tell me, do I deserve that? Did he deserve that? 

If you were to ask me, I know only one answer. To die. To disappear. To leave him in peace. To leave loving him. 

When I was younger, I used to think. Why do people kill themselves over love? That’s pathetic. I understand now. I understand now that I have completely lost myself in his love. 

He bought me new shoes yesterday. He helped me wear those big leather boots. It was uncomfortable but I was happy. I was just happy that he was there. We walked on the streets for quite a bit, and suddenly the boots started rubbing against my skin a little too hard. The beautiful black boots were painful. Every step hurt. I couldn’t carry on. 

So he helped me. Helped me sit on a nearby seat in the middle of beautiful trees. The squirrels looked surprised and eager to see two humans sitting next to each other. Laughing, and holding hands. Hugging and eating snacks. Crying and in pain. 

It was in the midst of a windy fall evening that he told me he had to leave. His words pierced my heart. I let go of his hands, I left his warm embrace and the only words that were left in my head were, “I want to stay with you, but I don’t know how”. 

Just seconds ago, I had asked him with hope, “Will you leave me?”

“No, I’m here right now, I’m not leaving today”

“And tomorrow? Will you leave me tomorrow?”

And that’s when he said it. So silently and so painfully. “I don’t know”. 

The walk back to my dorm was extremely painful. I stayed away from him. I stared at the sky. I was complaining to God. I was asking him. Why? Has he not hurt me enough that he will also take away the one and only person that loved me? What am I supposed to do without this person? Why is he so cruel to give me my first conscious memory of me trying to kill myself from the age of eight. Why is he so cruel to give me my second conscious memory of me trying to kill myself again. Oh, why is he so cruel that all my conscious memories are me repeatedly trying to kill myself? 

The evening sky was turning into the night sky. It looked so gloomy and deserted. It looked so alone and just in so much pain. How can I help it? I wanted to help the sky. 

The walk was quiet until it was disrupted by the cries of a bird. Somewhere unknown, a bird was crying and screaming. My boyfriend hurriedly looked up, he tried to find the bird, to find why it’s wailing so painfully. 

It's ironic. He was so eager to find the sad bird but could he not hear my cries? Could he not hear that, inside my heart, there was so much screaming and so much pain. Why didn’t he hear me? 

I kept walking but he stopped. He called out for the bird. 

“Where are you?”

“Why are you crying so much?”

“Where are you bird??” 

But he couldn’t find it. I left him behind and kept walking ahead. I was so lonely. I thought to myself. The bird is crying because you are leaving, it’s telling you to stop, to stop your words, to take them back and to come back to me. Why won’t you listen? 

We got back home pretty shortly afterwards. He sat on my bed. He asked me to lay down in his lap and I did. Without saying a word, without hesitating. I laid down. I knew... that this was the last time. It was the last time I could stay in his lap. The last time I could be in his embrace. I knew that this was the last time he would be with me. 

I could hear him weeping, his silent cries made my heart turn in turmoil. I felt so helpless and so miserable. I got up. I faced him. I asked him. 

“Why’re you leaving me?”

“Please don’t leave me?”

My voice shook with fear and pain. I thought I was going to die saying those words. I thought my head would explode with pain. Every inch of my body felt that pain. My poor weakened body wanted to collapse and just become bones. 

He cried. He cried loudly this time. He didn’t hold his tears back. He gripped his chest tighter with every cry. He shook his head and told me no. He shook his head again. Again and again, while I tried to hold him, I tried to hug him. But I didn’t have time. He had to leave soon and if I didn’t stop him, he would leave forever. 

I tried so hard, to kiss him and to hug him and to be one with him. But he had enough this time. He pushed me away, again, and again. He got up and tucked me in bed. He told me to face the other way and close my eyes. 

I was scared. I was so scared that I would open my eyes and he would be gone. Like an empty dream that I just woke up from. I didn’t close my eyes. I cried. I begged him to stop. I begged him to give