Thanks, Darling

“Thanks a lot for the ride!” I tell my taxi driver Gabriel.

It was a lovely ride. We talked the entire way home as though we knew each other forever. At times, especially when he was laughing and I was getting glimpses of his beautiful smile and his mesmerizing brown eyes the colour of warm honey, I imagined us walking together, hand in hand, in the pale darkness of a summer night. The place is simple in my head: a path by a lake where sounds of gentle waves are almost tuned out by the noise of the people around us. There is an empty bench by the rock, but we don’t sit, we continue walking. I hear voices: an arguing couple, a yelling child, and then the people leave and it’s just us and the dancing waves. I get lost in this vivid scene for a moment until the voice of Gabriel wakes me out of it:

“Good night, Eve”, he says in a tone that makes me think he doesn’t want me to leave at all.

I reach for the door, quite hesitantly, but then I realize that I will never see him again and the thought of that hurts me so deeply that I completely lose my senses and blurt out a very assertive “No!”

Why did I say that? Where is this coming from? I can’t possibly be in love with a man I met forty minutes ago, and yet this seemed like the most magical forty minutes in my entire existence. I wonder if he will think I am stupid, or if he will be mad. Will he be glad? Who is this man to me and why do I feel this way about him? I realize that he doesn’t feel like a stranger at all, and a sudden feeling of familiar warmth engulfs my body and soul.

“Sorry, Eve. I can’t”, he practically whispers. I can hear the sorrow in his voice, the same sorrow that makes my own heart ache. I feel as though someone is cutting into my soul and ripping it apart, piece by piece. And it’s bleeding now. Why?!

“I know, darling. I felt it too, believe me. It’s not easy for me either, but you have to understand-

“Understand? Why do I always have to be the who needs to understand?”, I yell out. I am enraged, but not at him of course, more so at the universe and at fate, and my unlucky stars- all of it. You know what I don’t understand, why this had to happen to me, to us…I know. You have a family, and you can’t abandon them. It’s just-“

He reaches out and grabs my hand. Although I know that this physical connection will only make it harder for me to let go of him, I can’t resist this one moment of bliss. I look into his eyes lost in their warm honey colours. The touch of his hand seems to have calmed me down; I can feel the anger oozing out of my body.

“It sucks!! You have no idea, Eve. I wish there was another way, one where we didn’t have to part ways.”

“What am I going to do now? Go back and never be happy again? Leaving feels so soul ravaging, it’s as though-“

“Someone is cutting into your soul and ripping it apart, piece by piece. And it’s bleeding now.”

“How did you know? Oh Gods, if only-“

“Eve, look at me. We will be okay, I know.”

“Well, we have no other choice, do we, Gabriel? Anyways, it’s time to go. I have to prepare for my class tomorrow, and I am sure you have things to do too. We have to move on with our lives, right?”

“Right”, he says gently as he lets go of my hand and looks away.

I muster my courage and open the door to hell. My body feels heavy like led, but I force myself to go on. Every inch of me is begging me stay, but I know that this can’t happen, not now, not in this life at least.

“Thanks, Gabriel. I wish you well”, I whisper as I leave the taxi cab.

“Take care, Eve”, he blurts without looking at me at all.

__________________________________________

The lake is unusually mesmerizing tonight. I walk through a crowd of people talking, laughing, kissing, arguing. But I don’t feel anything, not even sadness. I feel nothing, I am empty.

My feet carry me to the bench by the rocks overlooking the water. I sit down slowly and close my eyes. I listen to the chatter of the people passing by, someone‘s child is crying, and there is that arguing couple again.  The talking fades out after some time; it’s getting late. Now I can hear the gentle waves- their sound reminds me of something, as though I have heard this exact sound before. Why does all of this feel so painfully familiar? A wave of bittersweetness overpowers me and I see myself walking by the lake, my hand is holding another hand. Whose hand am I holding? Why does this hand feel like home? I try to make out the face, but I can’t.  

Then I hear voices in my head, “I can’t believe this happened to you, no way!... I’ve been there too and I felt the same way…. It sounds like you’ve had a hard life….how did you know?....thanks… take care…”. Who is talking? Why does it sound like someone I’ve known all my life? I can’t figure out who this voice in my head belongs to. A former lover? A friend? Who? More importantly, why?!

I am lost in my thoughts. For the first time in many many years, I feel a glimpse of joy, but I can’t figure out the source of this feeling and it makes me a little anxious.  I should open my eyes, but I have this sudden realization that the moment I do this sensation will be gone forever, along with my last shred of happiness. But what is this feeling? Who is knocking at the tightly shut door of my soul?

In the twisted threads of my mind’s thoughts, I hear another voice, but it’s not in my head this time. The voice says,

“Anyways, it’s time to go. I have to prepare for my class tomorrow, and I am sure you have things to do too”.

My eyes open wide, and I see her face, a face so painfully familiar. She stops talking into her phone, her eyes locking with mine. We get lost in each other's gaze: her eyes are a beautiful shade of green with glimpses of blue and purple- the colours of the ocean. I wonder what she sees in mine: does she think of warm honey? I smile and suddenly see that her gaze has fallen to the ground.

“Do I know you?” she suddenly asks, looking up and breaking the eternal silence.

“Yes, you do. I’ve been searching for you, Eve. Ever since that night, my life has flipped upside down. I divorced; my children barely talk to me. Every relationship I have had felt like I was passing time. I lost my way in this world, but seeing you-”

“Sorry, but I am not Eve. You have the wrong person”, she says calmly.

“But it is you!  Your voice, your face- I remember you now. I’ve been trying to remember all these years, and now I do. Please, you have to-“

“I’m sorry, I wish I could help you, but-”

“Please, just talk to me. I need you to talk to me. I haven’t felt at peace for so many years. Even if you are not her, I just feel that talking to you can soothe my soul.”

“Sorry, I can’t.”

“What am I going to do now? Go back and never be happy again?”

“Gabriel, look at me. You will be okay, I know.”

“So it is you? Why did you lie to me?”

“I never lied to you. The person you are looking for died twenty years ago.”

“She died?”

“Indeed.  After getting out of the cab, she went back home. She killed herself that night.”

“Oh my god! Oh my god! It’s my fault, I should have given us a chance to be together, but I was a coward…. I… I have to go!”

I see the lake right ahead, the waves gently extending their hand to me, calling me into an embrace. I get up, but a hand stops me. It’s that same familiar hand. Her hand. I push it away.

“No”, I blurt out and jump into the water. I did it, I escaped hell, and now I can be at peace.

___________________________________________

I walk on the road for what seems like centuries. The road looks eerily familiar, but I can’t make out where I remember it from.

This journey somehow elicits joy in me, my feet feel light, and I am practically galloping down the road. Where are my feet taking me? What’s the source of all this sudden happiness?

I start making out an object in the distance. I speed up, with each step I am coming closer to a silhouette of a car.

“It was you, wasn’t it? At the lake?”, Gabriel asks

“Of course it was. I came back to tell you to come find me here. I’m so glad you didn’t hesitate this time.”

“I wasn’t going to let you down again…you know, the last twenty years-

“You felt dead, I know. It’s because I was dead. We were both dead. But now we can finally be together- dead but more alive than ever!”

“I have to ask though: that lake and the waves, me on the bench- I was in your imagination, right? You made that up years ago, that first night we met.  That’s how you imagined us in the future-“

“And it all came true just the way I saw it”, I am suddenly overwhelmed with lots of emotions: happiness, sorrow, hope, excitement. It all makes sense now. I look into his gentle warm honey eyes, and I wonder what he thinks about when he looks into mine- does he think of the ocean? Suddenly, like a volcano that has been waiting to explode for centuries, we come into a passionate embrace and moments later we are making love at the back of the car, the kind of lovemaking that you can only experience with one person in your life: your soulmate. In this blissful connection, our bodies are on fire, but in my heart, I feel at peace. My soul feels safe- I am at home.

“So am I, darling. I am finally where I am supposed to be and I will never make you leave again, I promise. Thanks for coming for me!” he whispers very gently into my ear.

We drive into the night. There is no one else but us and this taxi in this moment: we talk, we laugh, we cry. The past, present, and future are all intertwined into this one moment of bliss.