HOPE'S BLIZZARD

The holidays are here. My least favorite time of the year. I hate everything that is this time of the year. I hate the music. I hate the decorations. I hate it all.

The smiling cheering faces of the kids and adults makes me want to gag. Don't even say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays because I won't say it back. Don't bother giving me a present. I won't give one back.

I hate leaving my apartment and walking the streets seeing Christmas all around me. People think I'm a scrooge but I'm not. I just don't like the holidays. I have my reasons.

Thankful this year as for the last three years, I'm going away to a nice sunny place far away from the cold weather. This year I'm going to Tahiti. It's the perfect getaway for me.

What is wrong with my phone? It keeps ringing non-stop. I grab my phone, turn it on and see messages from my mom, sister and best friend all asking me if I'm coming over for Christmas. I reply with a resounding no.

My mom, sister and best friend know full well the reason I hate the holidays. They have to understand why I refuse to celebrate Christmas. To tell you the truth this time of the year makes me more sad than hateful. That's me. That's who I became. I don't want to be in the city during this time. I have to leave.

My bags are all packed. I have my ticket and passport. I'm ready to go. Now I'm playing the waiting game. Tomorrow morning, I leave for the airport then on to Tahiti. This is going to be a good vacation for me.

I turn the tv on getting ready to watch my favorite show when a breaking news weather alert pops up. Oh no, this can't be good. I listen intently. Oh no, no, no, this can't be happening. Please tell me this is not real.

A blizzard. A freak blizzard is hitting New York. The news people are calling this a once in a life-time snow storm. My vacation is ruined. The highways and the airports are closed. This is just great. Now I have to spend Christmas at home in this freezing weather.

I unpack my belongings and get a refund. What do I do now? I was looking forward to going to Tahiti. Now I have to face the truth about Christmas. Something I wish to forget.

These trips I take every Christmas is how I forget the pain of losing the love of my life, Jaxon. He was in the Army when it happened. I never knew the details of what happened to Jaxon. All the Army told me was that they found Jaxon's ID tags and his watch. The watch I gave to Jaxon the last Christmas we spent together. Jaxon is listed as MIA. I never gave up hope I would see Jaxon again.

A year later my hope in finding Jaxon alive was lost. The Army declared Jaxon dead. With nobody my family and friends buried an empty coffin. My life ended that day along with my Christmas spirit.

It has been four Christmases since me and Jaxon were together and ever since our last Christmas, I've been trying to forget everything about him. His eyes. His smile. The memories are too painful. It's easy to forget and hate Christmas. This is the reason for my trips.

This apartment is the first apartment me and Jaxon bought together. He was my best friend. I spent the eleven months before Christmas dreaming about Jaxon. But on December 1st is when the real pain begins.

From time to time, I sit by my window looking out into the world wishing for a Christmas miracle. But I never get my miracle no matter how hard I wish. Every Christmas is always the same. This made me sour on Christmas, the holidays even more.

Look the first snowflake is falling. I always loved winter. I loved the snow. Me and my sister always had a snowball fight. I miss her. But seeing Hana and how happy she is with her husband only reminds me of losing Jaxon. That's why I stay away.

Tears are falling down my face thinking back to mine and Jaxon's first blizzard. We watched as the snow fell. It was magical. That was a night me and Jaxon first made love.

What would Jaxon think of me now? Jaxon would think I'm crazy for hating Christmas, for not seeing my family. He would tell me to be happy and to celebrate Christmas. The one thing me and Jaxon loved to do when he was home is put up the tree and decorations.

The snow is falling much harder now. It still looks beautiful. Jaxon would love this. The weather people predicted a good 30 inches of snow. The city is going to be paralyzed.

What is my favorite memory with Jaxon? I know it's hard for think about Jaxon but this memory is an easy one for me. Mine and Jaxon's first date. he took me on a picnic.

It was a warm summer day. He picked me up at my apartment. Jaxon gave me flowers, yellow roses. We walked to Central Park, found a quiet spot. Jaxon lay out the blanket. He helped me sit down and we talked.

We talked about everything. What we liked. What we didn't like. We found out we had a lot in common. The food was great of course. Jaxon made me laugh. He made me smile. I knew Jaxon was the one. The following months with Jaxon was a dream.

Tears are falling from my face thinking about Jaxon. Jaxon always used to call me his Hope because I always gave him hope to come home. Looking at this picture of Jaxon in his Army uniform makes me smile. He was proud to serve.

Jaxon wouldn't like our apartment to be without decorations. I can't run-away. For one there is a blizzard and two, I ran-away for too long. Jaxon this is for you. I walk to the closet where I keep the Christmas decorations and the tree.

I open the door. Wow, I forgot how much decorations I have. Jaxon always used to make fun of me because I bought so many Christmas decorations. I take out the tree and the ornaments. I walk back to the living room, open the box and begin to set up the tree.

Jaxon loved putting up the tree. So do I. I place the tree on the tree stand and screw it in. Now, I start to unfold the branches. I go to each branch and unfold them. Next, I place the middle tree in and unfold the branches and I do it for the top of the tree. The tree does look beautiful. Next, I check if the lights are working. Good they are working.

I place the lights around the tree, then I turn it on. Now, I'm placing the ornaments on the tree. Some of the ornaments are handmade. Those are the ones I love the most. I place each ornament on each branch. Wow, the tree looks stunning.

The last ornament I place on the tree is the star, perfect. But it's not lighting up. Never the less my tree looks beautiful. Looking at the tree makes me realize all the times when I finished decorating the tree, I would look at it hoping for a miracle. Now, I'm hoping for one more miracle.

I finished decorating the tree. I move the tree to window. The back drop of the snow falling makes the tree look magical. Look at that snow. The snow is really coming down. You can't even see the cars.

Now I begin to hang the rest of the decorations. I can't believe I hated Christmas for this long. My apartment looks stunning. For the first time in four years, I have a smile on my face.

What is that? Light, I turn around and see my star lighting up. How is it possible? My star looks even more beautiful than before. I keep staring at my star when I hear someone knocking at my door. Okay this is weird. There is a blizzard happening outside. Who can that possibly be? I open the door. I look up and down the hallway. No one is out here. I begin to close the door when I notice a letter on the floor.

I pick up the letter. The letter is address to me but no return address. I open the letter. I read it. Oh MyGod! Jaxon's alive. I re-read the letter a bunch of times. Jaxon's alive.