Icarus

Warning: one expletive.

 Icarus

“Good morning Mr. Dolion, and welcome. Anything you need?” Chris grinned charmingly at the flight attendant. She was a regular and knew he didn’t enjoy flying.

“I’m fine Brenda, boggles me that I can be twenty-seven, but still panicky every time I fly.” He turned to walk the short aisle to the first-class seat set up for him.  After the jet took off and swung towards the Los Angeles sunshine he opened his cell, clicked on an email, and read the speech his PA had written for him the day before.

The conference in California had been on the calendar for months, he’d been looking forward to it. The timing for his personal life could have been better though. He grinned when he recalled Annie showing him the plus sign on the beige stick the day before. They’d been trying for a baby for three years and she’d mentioned IVF treatments if this latest test had been negative. He’d panicked as he knew how much each treatment cost, but thought he’d come across as supportive to her.

She was his one true love and had been since they’d met at University at twenty. She’d been studying journalism and he, marketing. They had a scripting class together and one project, in particular, had them working long hours. They’d received a high mark and went to celebrate at the pub. She’d found him handsome and funny, he saw his future in her big brown eyes. After graduation when he sent out his resume to every firm and magazine he could think of she just waited to see where he was accepted before applying to that city’s newspaper. She’d always supported him and he didn’t know what deity to thank for her.

While he was thinking about her he shot off a text complete with a heart GIF. He knew she was working on a story about the Tucson wine festival that ran from September to December every year. He had teased her this morning about not tasting anything because of the baby.

“It is one thing I’ll miss, but finally being pregnant makes all the non-alcoholic cider worth it”. He had hugged her goodbye then and left in the company limo for the airport. Bringing his attention to the present he heard the pilot come on with all the usual chatter about landing so packed up his belongings and steeled himself for the touchdown.

After his speech was given and received with generous applause he went out for dinner with some colleagues from the California office of the same magazine. They all worked for a men’s health publication and though he was the managing director in Tucson the guys just treated him as one of them. He’d been happy to see Dan at the get-together. They’d lost touch after high school so caught up on their lives. When Chris relayed the good news about Annie’s pregnancy it seemed as though his old friends’ eyes shifted. It was just a second and he wasn’t sure if he was imagining it.

Later, In the men’s room, he finished his business then as he washed his hands, scanned his face in the mirror. He’d been told most of his life he was cute and then handsome. He saw slanted green eyes, a straight nose, and full lips. Nothing amazing, just features that fit well together. Turning his profile just a bit to the left he could gaze at the faded scar. It ran from his jawbone down to the center of his chin just underneath so people didn’t notice unless he tilted his head up. If someone did comment on it he just gave them the old, ‘car accident in my teen years, got lucky and walked away.’ He’d chuckle and shake his head as a mockery of ‘youthful hijinks’ and change the subject.

Drying his hands, he ran them through well-coiffed blonde hair and opened the door that lead back out to the noisy bar. After half an hour he shook hands, made his excuses about an early flight, and left. Based on the texts and emails he received the following day he’d forgotten to pay his share of the table’s bill. They told him dinner was on him when they came out to Tucson next.

He sent an apology that if they’d read into it would have promised nothing. ‘No problem guys, so sorry I don’t know what happened, one too many scotches. Thanks a bunch!’ For Chris, it was an empty promise, but then he was full of them.

The limo pulled up in front of their townhouse at noon the next day. They’d bought it new just the year before and while Annie found the mortgage payments crippling he’d wanted a big house just like his parents had. Chris came along when his folks were just twenty-four, his sister Deirdre and brother David, fraternal twins born nineteen months later. All three of the Dolion offspring were well-educated, attractive, and outgoing. David and Chris both lettered in baseball while Dee was a champion high-jumper. Their dad Gus was a small R republican senator and while a busy man, he always expected his home to be well-cared for. Chris’ mother Claire worked part-time in the campaign office but seemed to be available whenever the family needed her.

He mused as he unlocked his front door that his childhood had been something out of an all-American movie until the summer he turned 18. That’s when things took a turn that could have destroyed that film.

There’d been an amazing birthday party that year, his mother had hired a hall and band, catered some food, and tapped his siblings for guest list suggestions. He’d been having a blast that night, his buddies had all brought flasks and had pooled to gift him a full one, regardless that the age of drinking in the state was twenty-one. That night he brought his date, Amanda, he’d been eyeballing her the whole of his senior year, a pretty redhead with a Broadway plan.

After his parents and grandparents had left the young people to it, the nacho bar ramped up and so did the volume of the rock group. He remembered a couple of the guys had wanted to go to an after-hours club when the party ended. He just wanted to have Amanda alone for a while but he convinced her to join them so they could find a dark club to dance in. Danny and Mark were both too wasted to drive so they piled into the back seat of Danny’s blue Camaro while Chris got behind the wheel, Mandy practically on his lap.

He had tried to pay attention to the road, feeling her hands run all over his body hadn’t helped though. They’d been giggling and all four were head banging to the tunes so they didn’t see the stop sign and the Chevy crew cab truck coming from the other direction didn’t have time to stop. When the smoke cleared and he could open his eyes he felt right away that the car was upside down, the red and blue flashing lights from the highway patrol car made him nauseous and he’d passed out again.

 Grabbing a beer from the fridge after switching on the A/C he slid onto a stool and let his mind return to that summer. He’d awoken in the hospital three days after the accident, his left foot was broken along with three ribs. Danny and Mark had been released the first night from ER after their injuries had been tended to. Amanda though, her body had been released to the coroner. She had been thrown through the front window and lay broken on the pavement when the emergency crews arrived.

He remembered that he’d spent weeks in the hospital and was provided with plastic surgery for his nose and cheekbones. There wasn’t much they could do with the inch-deep gash around his throat. He’d been lucky that the shard of windshield glass hadn’t found his carotid artery or he’d have been on the next slab to Amanda. His father had stepped in quietly to pay the fines, bills, and a big donation to Amanda’s family. It was never spoken about again and a year later Chris had fled to school, healed on the outside, shaken to his core on the inside. When he shook his head of memories it was to see that his cell was moving around on the marble island with vibrations.

Glancing at the call display, he sent a curse into the empty kitchen. It was a federal number that seemed to be on repeat. He hadn’t filed income tax this past spring, or the ones before that either. He just didn’t have that kind of money. He was conscious that his whole persona was fake. Everyone assumed he was earning a good living, living the high life, money in the bank, and IRA’s piling up for their happy little future. In reality, bills were piling up, and he was damned if he could tell Annie all this now. He’d cried when she showed him the stick and while he did a fairly good job of convincing her he was just so excited, his stomach had dropped.

He was in big trouble financially and had made some stupid moves to try and correct it. He wanted to cover up some bad investments while presenting as someone in charge to his wife. They’d never discussed, never mind argued over money, she had her accounts and he his. The only thing they shared was the mortgage and he’d borrowed on his line of credit to cover that. At this point, both Peter and Paul were getting tired of his antics. He knew that tapping Rob wasn’t the answer and might inspire a conversation he wasn’t ready for. He and Rob had been working well together from the start of Chris’ practicum. The ink on his degree was still damp when Rob brought him into the ‘Men’s Modes’ offices. With his management package covering meals, health benefits, and travel he hadn’t had to put his hand in his own pocket business-wise. In his own life, it was four different credit cards in his wallet, only one of them holding less than the absolute maximum.

He shot off a text to Rob and requested a meeting the following day and was bemused at the response.

‘Interesting timing, I wanted to talk to you too. I’ll see you at nine in my office, bring the paperwork from the CA conference.’

When Annie came home from the winery they made love, then ordered a pizza. He’d teased her about having cravings already and uncapped his third beer. He’d wanted to spill his secret then and there, to tell her what was happening but she’d taken the plates and pizza box into the living room so she didn’t miss her show. He followed with slow steps and a feeling of dread. She asked him about the conference and he told her about the speech and the dinner when he’d laughed off the bill skipping she was less than amused.

‘That doesn’t sound like you honey, you’re usually on it, paying for everyone else on top of it. I wonder about your money management sometimes.” Chris took a deep draught of his lager and shrugged.

“I guess it was bound to happen. Oh, and I ran into my old pal Danny at the bar too, he looks good. I haven’t seen him in years. He seems happy, married, with one daughter. He still lives in Phoenix and is a CFO at their big newspaper. I know you remember me telling you about Dan, that he was in the car that night I had the accident?” He absently rubbed his scar as he spoke.

 She’d turned to him, a crust held between two fingers like a doughy cigar, she pretended to puff on it and made him laugh when her delicate dark eyebrows went up and down like Groucho’s. He pulled her to him and kissed the top of her head. A dread was growing in his guts and her sunshine was the only thing that could calm it. He rose and excused himself, taking his empty bottle to the kitchen on the way to the hall bathroom. Annie sat watching the sitcom and was momentarily ticked when Chris’ cell chirped throughout a funny bit. She lifted it off the cushion and checked the call display. Intrigued by the display, and a little hesitant about answering her hubby’s phone she slid to answer anyway.

“Hello, this is Annie Dolion speaking, Chris is away from his phone, can I help?” It was a sentence that in retrospect was the beginning of the end. When the agent on the other end told her just how much was owed in back taxes to the government and how many years it had been since Chris had filed she was beyond shocked. When she had clicked end and returned the cell to its place on the sofa she sat, shattered. She had never asked him about his finances. Why would she have to? He was her husband though, for richer or for poorer wasn’t that the line? When she heard the bathroom door open she decided to wait and see if he would admit anything before Friday. It was their first scan and she didn’t want to go into a pregnancy with a man who could be so deceitful.

Chris was on the train Wednesday morning, paperwork in his briefcase and a heavy, dull feeling in his chest. When he arrived in the lobby of the magazine though he smiled and lifted his hand to people milling about before boarding the elevator. Rob was waiting for him and instead of the usual offering of coffee and chat there was a tersely put, ‘ have a seat Chris’ as he closed the door.

The quiet snick of the lock almost made him vomit. His eyes searched for and found the Sonora desert in the distance and he took a couple of deep breaths. When Rob’s face was equal to his own he pasted on his usual charm and then leaned down to bring the sheaf of papers up to the desk between them. Before Rob could speak Chris launched on his summary of the keynote speech he gave, the after-party, and he even made the same joke about accidentally skipping the bill. Rob just watched him, his expression was stone.

“Here’s the thing Chris, I’ve been going through some of the accounts you manage, and the numbers don’t add up. I’ve consulted with accounting and gone back a couple of years. The total skimming from projects you’ve been in charge of is more than two hundred and eighty thousand. On top of the free flights, meals, and other bonuses it seems you’ve been living pretty high on this particular hog for years. Would you care to explain yourself? I mean you don’t have to, I’m firing you anyway and am reporting you to the powers that be, but I’d still like to hear how you can stick it to the company that gave you a chance without a fucking moral thread!” His voice had been rising throughout the last sentence but the expletive was the shocker.

Chris sat back in his chair, eyes suddenly and legitimately overflowing with years of stress and make-believe. He laid open the whole thing; Annie’s pregnancy, the constant calls from the IRS, and his fears of being found as less than what people thought of him. The car accident was brought up including his shame at being responsible for Angela’s death because as the driver he should have made sure she had her seatbelt on. He relayed with his head bowed how his father had taken over and paid people off so he hadn’t had to go to prison. When he was finished and spent he lifted his eyes to Rob’s and nodded, he didn’t know what lay ahead in terms of the legal process but he knew his life here was done.

 After retrieving a few personal things from his office, he left the building for the last time. He stood on the pavement in the Arizona sun and the story of Icarus came to mind, he’d learned the story as a young man, it seemed a minor Greek god was trying out his wings, got too close to the sun, and fell to earth. It was a cautionary tale about being young and foolhardy, ignoring adult advice, and paying the ultimate price. He was just starting to see the similarities, hoping it wasn’t too late for him to avoid plummeting into the ocean. He shifted his box, looking up and down the block for a cab since he no longer had his metaphorical wings.

Pulling up to the townhouse half an hour later, he watched from the window as Annie invited two suited figures into their house. She caught his gaze and an eyebrow went up into curly dark hair. Pushing open the cab’s door, he stepped out into the next stage of his life unsure of how things would unfurl.