Letting go of what was.

Have you ever felt stuck. Stuck in this loop. This on going pattern of what was. You felt like you can't let go of the past and your holding on so tight that it's almost clouding what's right in front of you. The present. Well, I have had this issue for many years now. It left me feeling empty, unsure and full of anxiety on so many levels. It effected friendships and relationships. It gave me trust issues and made me disassociate from others. It wasn't until I started unpacking the things that hold me back in therapy that I started understanding it's ok to let go. It's ok to move on. We don't have to stay stuck. Being stuck in the past is like wearing the same old pair of shoes even when you know they don't fit anymore, but you're too blinded by all the old dirt and the way it feels slightly comfortable that you don't see the shiny new ones right in front of you. I use the word comfortable but honestly there's nothing comfortable about being stuck in a trauma loop but after being stuck there for so long it's almost like I didn't know there was a different way. I'm the type to put on this happy face and go about my day to day not showing others how I really feel. I also didn't want anyone to know I had these deep insecurities so I would put on a brave face with a smile and act like I was just fine for a long time but in reality so much had kept me from moving forward. Past traumas, insecurities, memories I'd like to forget. Some things might never be forgotten but that doesn't mean we have to be a doormat to the past. We don't have to let it hold us back from the awesome possibilities we could have. That was my problem for a long time. I let what was echo and replay so many times I lost sight of the possibilities of what could be. I held on to my trauma like a sad trophy and hid behind them, too blinded by anxiety to live in the present. I mean really live in the present. I was in survival mode for a long time just going through the motions day to day with this fear, this overwhelming anxious feeling that the same things that happened to me back then would happen again. I was so anxious that it turned into anger, which turned into unnecessary angry outburst or sad episodes that would last for days sometimes. I just bottled up all the trauma and thought this is it, this is how life is going to be. Trauma is a tricky thing, see I let it cloud my focus on the present so much that I actually lost sight of so much good and positivity that was right in front of me. My perception was lost in this loop of what was.

I have this feeling almost like I'm waiting for the audience to start laughing at me, not with me or someone to trip me as I walk passed or my friends to tell me they were never really my friends. It's my trauma of being bullied for years by many different people through my childhood that kept me stuck in this pattern and prevented me to get close to others for a long time. I just kept my walls up at all cost. It kept me isolated and fearful of what could be. I got so conditioned to thinking that's how things are and this is who I am for so long that I thought if it ever stopped there was some kind of catch to it. Guess what, there's no catch. You just have to change your narrative in your own mindset. I know that's better said then done and it'll take time but it's possible!

It's been many years now since I have dealt with that trauma but the name calling and different issues I faced growing up still haunt me sometimes. Some things are harder to let go. It's like an echo that won't fade completely so it's just there in the back of your head replaying until your mentally conditioned to thinking that's who you are but just like any conditioner there's a time to wash it out! I plan to live in my truth and live for me. Wash out the negative condition I have been holding on to and move forward and finally live, not just survive.

How do you let go? It's definitely not easy but the biggest action I have taken is writing. Writing down how I feel or what I want to change, writing down my goals and dreams. Writing isn't everyone's thing but it really puts things in perspective for me. Other then that taking deep breaths, reminding my self that the past is the past and even though I can't change the past I can change the future. I have so many goals for the future that keep me excited for what's to come. Taking a few minutes each day to look in the mirror and realize I am not everything I was conditioned to think about my self and I am worthy of a happy ending. Also I'm the mother to four beautiful kids. I want them to see me thrive, not just survive. I want to watch them grow and strive for all their goals, but I don't want to be stuck in survival mode while trying to be a parent. I consciously knew I was stuck in the past and it was effecting my present and my future. I wanted more out of life so I started soul searching deep and started unpacking everything that kept me held back for so long.

The point of this story is to let anyone that's stuck and can't let go of the past know that they can change the narrative of their own story and they can stop living in survival mode while holding on to past trauma. You can move forward and there will be a happy ending.