Consider Yourself Verbal-ized

CONSIDER YOURSELF VERBAL-IZED

We’d been sitting looking at each other for almost a minute, not saying anything.  It was awkward.

“Well, Roxy, what else do you want to talk about?  We have fifteen minutes left until the end of our session.”

I looked at Dr. Carter.  I didn’t want to talk about anything, really.  I was here because of a court diversion program, to help me with my anger issues.  Not because I felt that I needed therapy. 

Dr. “Call me Denise” Carter was my therapist.  I couldn’t call her Denise.  That was just wrong.  For one, she’d worked hard for her degree, and my using her Doctor honorific was a sign of respect.  And secondly, she wasn’t my friend.   I guess we could have been friends in a parallel universe where I wasn’t always looking for a fight, or one in which she was cool.  But in this universe we had a professional relationship only.  Full stop.

“Anything at all on your mind, Roxy?”

I shrugged.  “Not really.”

“Anything happen lately that you’re particularly proud of?  Maybe you didn’t yell at someone?  Or you didn’t flip someone off?”

I smiled.  She did know me.  “I had a weird dream,” I said.

“Okay,” said Dr. Carter, nodding.  “I don’t usually do dream interpretations, but we can give it a go.” She picked up her pencil, and looked down at her writing pad.  “When was this dream?”

“Last night.  When I woke up this morning, I remembered it, so I wrote it down.”

“She looked at me.  “That’s interesting.  Are you trying to remember your dreams, generally?”

“Not really.  It was just that it was so weird that I thought I should write down what I remembered.  You know, before I forgot.  Dreams don’t seem to stick around.”

“That’s true.” said Dr. Carter, enthusiastically.  “It has something to do with long-term memory and the hormone norepinephrine in the cerebral cortex.  Essentially, it’s the brain’s way of forgetting nonessential thoughts.”  She smiled at me.  I seem to have found her happy place—Nerd-ville.  “For example, can you remember what you were thinking about when you brushed your teeth this morning?”  I shook my head.  “That’s your brain getting rid of unimportant, random thoughts.  Which is how your brain perceives dreams—as unimportant, so they fade quickly after you wake up.”  She shook her head slightly, realizing, maybe that she was off-topic, and doing all the talking instead of me.  “Sorry, Roxy, I digress.  Tell me about your dream.”

I took a second to put my thoughts in order.  “Well, it started with my Aunt Hanna.  I was at her house in the Laurentians in Quebec, and she kept yelling for me, even though I was standing right in front of her.”  I looked at Dr. Carter.  “You know that she’s French Canadian, right?”

She nodded her head.  “I remember.  And I remember that the two you have a very close relationship.”

“Exactly!  Well, I’m standing right in front of her, and she’s running around yelling.  And she has this really strong Quebecois accent.  ‘Roxee, where es Roxee?’  She would run up to people and ask if they’d seen me, even though I was standing right there.  A priest came up and asked her what she was yelling about, and Aunt Hanna said, ‘I can’t find her!’ ‘Who?’ asked the priest.  ‘Roxy!  De niece!  She’s missing!’  But I’m standing right there yelling back at them.  But they couldn’t hear me.  It was really disturbing.”

“Did you feel like you weren’t being seen?” asked Dr. Carter.

I nodded my head.  “Exactly.  So, I left.  Then, I don’t know how, but I was in Yosemite National Park, and I could see the mountain El Capitan in the distance, so I started walking towards it.  But I fell, and hurt my ankle.  A man who introduced himself as James, said that it was clear that I had fallen, but that I would be okay.  Then he said something odd.  He told me, ‘Be careful young Jedi, the body keeps the score.  Atomic habits can hurt you!’ Weird, right?” I asked Dr. Carter.

She nodded slowly.  “It is an odd thing to say.  ‘The body keeps the score.’  It sounds profound.”

“Then I was standing at the foot of El Capitan.  And the Dalai Lama and Bishop Desmond Tutu were right there, beside me.  I didn’t know why, but I recognized them, and said “Hey Lama, Bishop.  Why are you here?’  Something lame like that.  And Bishop Tutu said that they were looking for the Book of Joy, and they couldn’t find it.  He said that it should be right where we were standing, but it wasn’t there.  And the Dalai Lama said that was because people are imperfect, and they need to embrace the gifts imperfection has given them.  It was really weird because we were really close to the waterfall, but we didn’t get wet.”

Dr Carter thought for a moment.  “Roxy, there is a belief that if you see important people in your dreams, it means that you desire a sense of belonging and that you admire them and what they stand for.  In both cases, the Dalai Lama and Bishop Tutu are men of peace.  Maybe this is your subconscious telling you that a non-violent life will give you satisfaction.  And because they were looking for joy, while acknowledging the imperfection of the human condition, maybe they were giving you permission to be a peaceful human.”

“Wow!” I said.  “That is really deep.  I was only focussed on why they were at Yosemite in March.  Huh.” I nodded my head in understanding.  What she said was heavy-duty! Who knew?

She smiled.  “It’s really important to acknowledge the strides that you’re making, Roxy.  You’re trying to change your behaviour, and that counts for a lot.  That could be why you saw The Dalai Lama and Bishop Tutu in your dream.“   She wrote something in her note pad.  “Was there more?”

“Not really.  Bishop Tutu and the Dalai Lama said that they had to catch the last train to the coast, and disappeared.  Then I was in bed, awakening.”  I looked at her, a look of confusion on my face.  “I told you it was weird.”

She smiled again.  “Not that weird, Roxy, but unusual.”  Looking down at her notes, she said, “But the inclusion of the Dalai Lama and Bishop Tutu show that you are making strides towards a more peaceful life.  You should be proud of yourself, trying to make changes in your life.”

I am proud of myself,  I thought, nodding slightly.  But maybe not the same way that you think I should be.

*****

After Roxy had left, Dr. Carter was looking at her notes.

“De niece,” she said quietly, chuckling at Roxy’s imitation of her aunt’s accent.  “De niece … Denise!”  

That’s me!” she thought.  Oh no, she did not!  

Denise walked over to where Roxy had been sitting and examined the room from her perspective.  She looked around.  And moaned.

“Damn it!”  There was a framed print of Ansel Adam’s photo of the foot of the falls at Yosemite.   Roxy had gotten one by her.

She looked around.  The bookcase!  She walked over and had a look. And moaned again.

“Man, she really got me!” she said quietly.  They were all there, her books!  The Body Keeps The Score, by Beset van der Kolk, Atomic Habits, by James Clear.  Imperfection by Brené Brown, and Awakening by Mark Nepo.  And of course, The Book of Joy by the Dalia Lama and Bishop Demond Tutu.

”Man!”

Roxy hadn’t had any weird dreams. No.  She’d used all the things in the office to make up a dream.  Denise Carter shook her head, smiling.  She’d used Denise’s own office to fool her.   Roxy had “Verbal Kint-ed” her, just like the character in the movie, The Usual Suspects.  Clever girl!