The Ultimate Undead Couple

“Here are your keys, sir.”

As the receptionist handed me the key to the honeymoon suite, I couldn’t help but be tempted by my growing curiosity to ask. “I heard this place is haunted. Is it true?”

“Well,” she replied. “Guests had reported unusual sightings.”

“Do you think we’ll see any during our stay?”

“I don’t know. They can be unpredictable.”

I shivered with fright. “How terrifying!”

Turning to Derek, my newlywed husband, he said. “Don’t worry, babe, I’ll always protect chu.”

“Awe, I feel myself swooning for you all over again!” I gave him a little peck on the cheek. And with a giggle, I added. “Now let’s go to our suite!”

“Wow!” I gasped as Derek opened the door to our suite. “It’s so beautiful! It’s amazing how they were able to turn this old house into a hotel! I simply love the Victorian Era! It reminds me of our youth! Like that time,” I giggled, “when we were caught skinning dipping in that fountain in Trafalgar Square!”

“Yeah, it really brings back old memories.”

“Who's there?” A familiar voice called out.

“Dayna?” I replied.

Peeking out from around the corner do the doorway was Dayna Finch. We were mates in grade school. “Joshie!” She squealed as she embraced me in a hug. “God, it feels like I haven’t seen you in forever and a half! So, you finally got married, huh?”

“Yup!” I showed off the glistening silver ring in my finger. “Ah! It’s like a dream!”

“Except with all the hauntings!” Dayna contradicted.

“Oh, I just asked about those are the first desk? Can you believe it? I never thought that those creatures would exist!”

“Well, believe it! I’m here with my sister.”

“The trashy one that smells like cigarettes or the one whose sweet sixteen you trashed by making out with her boyfriend on stage?

“The second one.”

“Oh, Lilian.”

“Yeah, her. She just got his big TV host gig and to celebrate and we’re going to document them for the first thing ever on tape!”

“So, your sister got a new job… and the way you celebrate is hunting hauntings?”

“Pretty much.”

“Girl, you let me know how that goes, but I want to stay as far away from the scary stuff as I can—”

A loud thud suddenly interrupted me. “What was that?” I crept closer to Derek.

“I don’t know, babe. Maybe it was…”

“It couldn’t be!”

Dayna pulled out a video camera. “Oh, but is it!”

I ducked under Derek’s shirt for protection, popping both our heads out the singular head hole. Looking down at my short stature, he said. “Joshua, I love you, but you’re the reason all my shirts are stretched out.”

We heard another loud thud. “It’s getting closer!” I cried.

“Hell yeah, it is!”

“Derek, hold me!”

He wrapped his arms around me.“I got you, babe.”

The lights flickered off. I may have screamed.

“Dammit!” Dayna cursed. “This camera doesn’t have night vision or infrared!”

“Derek, I don’t like the dark!”

“Don’t worry, babe. I got this.” Derek stomped his sketchers and it light up blue.

In the shadow of Derek’s shoe light, I saw it. And this time, I’m not afraid to say I did scream. “It’s a human!”

I tried to run away, but got caught in my husband’s shirt. The elasticity of the shirt slammed me back into his body. “Ow! Damn, this is probably the first time I’m upset about your rock hard abs!” After pausing for a second, I said. “No, actually I still love them.”

“Oh my god! Ghosts!” The human shrieked. “Barney! Barney! There are ghosts here! Cue the GhostBusters theme song!”

“Who you gonna call~!”

“Dear Lord! They’re playing a theme song! That’s like… sort of, in a way, maybe, potentially, threatening!”I cried.

“I’ll protect you, baby!” Derek pulled back one arm and gave them a strong right hook, but the fist passed right through them.

“It’s true! Humans are intangible!” I called out. “Let’s get out of here!” I tried to run away, but slammed back into Derek. “Derek, please, we have to run together.”

“Oh, right.”

“You guys go, I’m gonna film this.”

“Dayna!”

“Fine!”

The three of us retreated out of the honeymoon suite and down the duel stairs to the receptionist desk. “Alright, let’s get a refund and get out of here!” Dayna proclaimed.

“Refund? Is that what you’re really worried about right now? This place has some sort of human infestation. Like some sort of hybrid cockroach with thumbs.”

“This place was expensive! They were only open for Halloween! I had to sleep with a ghost to get the last opening!”

Derek stopped dead in his tracks, with me still in his shirt. “Wait, where’s the receptionist desk?”

“Huh?” He was right. There was just cobwebs and dust where the front desk once was. “What the…”

“Ooh, how spooky!”

“I don’t want spooky! I want cuddling! But I can’t be the little spoon while there’s humans in my room!” I complained.

“There’s a couch right over there and it’s pretty big if you wanna—"

“Not now, Derek!”

Footsteps thudded down the stairs. “The closet, get to the closet!” Dayna ordered.

One after another, we all crammed into a dark closet and huddled together.  “What are we gonna do?” I asked. “Call the HumanBusters? But I heard they sold out and did a bunch of infomercials. How will they help us if they can’t pour a bowl of cereal without the Cereal Pouring 3000 ™?”

“Wait a minute.” Derek said. “Dayna, didn't you say you came here with your sister? Where is she?”

“Oh, yeah. I guess the writer forgot about her and is too lazy to edit her out. She’s probably dead then. As dead as a ghost can be anyway.”

“What do you mean by that?” I inquired.

“Y’all really don’t remember, do you?”

“What are you talking about, Dayna?”

“Ghosts are dead humans.”

“What?”

“You and Derek were killed as a gay couple skinny dipping in a fountain in 1897.”

“What?! Derek did you know about this?”

He nodded. I kicked him in the shin. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this?”

“Most ghosts remember their past lives and realize they are dead. But you… you forgot most things and never seemed to put two and two together.”

“Except for me!” Dayna boasted. “And let’s face it, people don’t ever forget about me. I’m not my sister.”

“Things kind of ended badly before,” Derek went on, “and you’re really emotional. You definitely wouldn’t have handled it well.”

I wiped away a tear. “Am not.” My voice cracked a little.

“Look, Joshie. It’s really not a big deal.” Dayna persuaded. “We’re all dead. We’re all ghosts. Doesn’t mean we can’t have a good time. Maybe make your own apple cider. Go a little crazy. Whatever.”

I sniffled. “I guess.”

“That doesn’t sound very crazy.” Derek mumbled under his breath.

“How did you die anyway?” I asked.

“I got crushed to death in a cider press. Like I said, shit gets crazy.” She clapped her hands together. “Alright, so how are we going to get out of here?”

“Can you not clap so loudly? The humans will hear you!”

“Relax, you big wuss. There’s no way they heard anything—”

“Hey you guys! I think I heard someone clapping!” One of the humans called out. They were closing in on us.

I glared at Dayna. Of course, it was pitch black in the closet so she couldn’t see it, so I narrated. “I am glaring at you, Dayna.”

“Glaring at me?”

“Oh, I am glaring at you so hard right now. You just can’t see it.”

“I got you, babe.” Derek stomped his light sketchers again.

“Derek! This is no time to show off your incredibly cool shoes! I’m already married to you don’t need to try to impress me into your pants. Besides, the humans will see that blazing light!”

“Relax, there’s no way they saw it—“

“I think I saw a blue light coming from the closet! It must be the ghosts!” Another human hollered.

“And now I’m glaring at you. And Dayna. I’m glaring at both of you.”

“How can you glare at both of us at the same time?”

“I’m multi-talented. Like a chameleon.”

Dayna began to feel up the walls in search of an exit. “There has to be a way out of here! Aren’t Victorian houses full of secret passages?”

“No, I think that’s Scottish castles.” I corrected.

“Bingo!” In the fading light of Derek’s shoes, I noticed a stone that indented along the wall when Dayna presses it.

Of course, my first thought was “why would this smooth painted wall have a random stone embedded in it?”

Stepping through the newly opened crevice the stone unveiled, Dayna answered. “To unlocked hidden passageways!”

“I don’t know. It took you like five seconds to find it. It doesn't seem very hidden to me.”

“Whatever, let’s just get out of here. This path is kind of steep and rocky, so watch your step.”

“Right.” With that, I pulled my arms into our shared shirt and wrapped them around Derek. Then, I jumped up and latched my legs around his torso as well, so I cling to him like a baby koala to its mother. “Let’s roll.”

“Really?” Dayna said.

“What? I was never the athletic type.”

“Plus, I don’t want him to fall and cut his beautiful face.” Derek kissed me on my cheek.

“Hehe.” I giggled to myself with absolute glee and a blushing face. “Beautiful. Hehe.”

“I think I found the exit!” Dayna proclaimed. “Damn, I think it’s stuck.” She started to desperately push against the wall, through 

“Dayna, that’s just a wall. You look ridiculous.” Derek said as he stood there with me clinging to his chest.

“I think this is the door.” I said as I pushed on a door shaped stone with hinges on the side. “Ope, yeah. It’s moving. It’s either a door or a very unstable wall and we should start running.”

The door opened. The three of us poked our heads inside. “What the…”

Lilian—Dayna’s forgotten sister—was sitting in a high stool with a make-up artist whitening up her pale ghost face in probably was what was the best-lit room I’ve ever seen. Seriously, I was impressed by the lights. We’re talking 150 watts, the big guns.

“You’re being turned on by the lighting on this room, aren’t you?” Derek inquired.

“The only thing turned on right now as those lights!” I denied.

Dayna demanded. “What are you doing...ah...umm...you?”

“You forgot my name, didn’t you, sister?”

“Well, sorry, you’re not as memorable as me! Besides, I know both my sisters’ names.” She scratched behind her ear. “I just don’t know which one you are. Are you trashy and smell like cigarettes, or did I trash your sweet sixteen by stealing your boyfriend?”

“Sweet sixteen!”

“Lilian!” Dayna walked over to Lilian with open arms for a hug. “My dear younger sister.” 

“I’m half a year older than you.”

“Close enough, come in here.”

Lilian leaped from the stool to avoid Dayna’s hug. “Absolutely not! You ruined my life! I was humiliated after that party. Because of you, I couldn’t find any respectable jobs—“

“I don’t see how those things are connected in anyway—“

“And now, I had to get this stupid job as a variety TV show host!”

“Again, what does that have to do with me?”

“So that’s when I began plotting my revenge.”

“You’re not listening to a word I say, are you.”

“So, I convinced my producers to let you be the ‘special guest’ in this week’s show.”

“What does ‘special guest’ mean?”

“Victim.” I translated. “It means victim. So this was all some elaborate prank show?”

“Yeah.” Lilian admitted. “We wanted to make you think you were in a haunted Victorian house. Which is why there is no actual receptionist. Our viewers love scaring and freaking out people. Also trending are failed marriage proposals.”

“Wow, that’s horrible.” I dropped off Derek’s body. “So, what kind of special effects did you use?”

“Special effects? Please, our show plays at three in the morning in Canada. We don’t have a budget a special effects.”

“Then how did you create the humans?”

“What humans?”

“I found a secret passageway!” One of the humans shouted.

“Those humans.” I remarked.

“I found the door at the end of the hallway!”

“Wow, they found that a lot quicker than we did.”

“We need to get out of here!” Dayna cried.

“If there’s something strange~! In your neighborhood~!”

“The song is looping! Lilian! Where’s the exit?” I demanded.

“Oh, it’s that door you came in.” She replied.

“Welp, it’s official!” I panicked. “We’re doomed!”

“Why don’t you just go through the wall?” Lilian suggested.

“Yeah, Lilian,” I said sarcastically. “Why don’t I just plunge my entire body through a wall, because that’s so easy.” I stuck out my hand to show her that it’s impossible and shoved it at the wall. To my surprise, it went through. “What the…”

“Dude, you’re a ghost. Ghosts go through things.”

“Wait a minute, how did we push on the door to get in here?” I questioned.

“Life’s full of mysteries! We’ll never know!” Dayna exclaimed. “Now, let’s get out of here before the humans find us!

“Hold the fuckup!” I shouted.

“What is it, baby?” Derek asked.

“I’m the fuckup. I’m bad at being a ghost. Hold me.”

Instantly, Derek picked me up bridal style. “Anytime, babe.”

“Through the wall!” Dayna hollered.

“Through the wall!” The rest of us echoed as we plunged through.

“Hey, where did the ghosts go?”

As we breached the other side, I glanced at my feet and noticed I was missing a shoe. “No! My shoe!” I cried. “They were custom made Italian leather!”

“Why custom made?” Dayna asked.

“I have strange shaped feet, okay?!” I defended with a slight blush. “Derek, can we please go back for it?”

“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, baby.”

“They cost a grand.”

“Through the wall!” Derek hollered as we crossed back over.

On the other side, we came face to face with two humans. “Gay ghosts!” They screamed when they saw us.

Since they instantly fainted, I took my sweet time getting my shoe back. “Hey, babe, you might wanna look at this.” Derek was crouched over their bodies.

“What is it?”

“Something funny is going on with their bodies.” He tried to nudge one, but his hand passed through again.

All of a sudden, a white sustenance began to rise from the bodies. “What is that?” I asked horrified.

The globe of white slowly formed into a ghost-like fight. “I think they’re turning into ghosts.”

“Dammmnnn.”

The two new ghosts looked down at themselves, then us. “If you guys were afraid of ghosts, why were you hunting us?” I asked.

“We’re not phasmophobic. We’re homophobic.”

“Oh. In that case, DEREK HOLD MY HOOPS, I GOTTEN DEFEND OUR LOVE!”

“You’re not wearing hoops.”

“Derek, please, let me be the cool one for once.”

He nodded in response.

And then I beat them both up. Gave them the ole king sling. Slugged ‘em. Really bushwhacked those two.

At least, that’s what I told Lilian and Dayna. In reality, Derek knocked them both out in the same punch.

You know, I don’t think they believed me.