For My Darling

Warning: This story includes brief talk of home abuse and other sensitive content

Letter #1:                                8/1/2022

I’ve been able to put off the responsibilities of being myself for such a long time but the second you stepped in all of the hurt that’s been deep within me has vanished. You saved me, thank you. It’s something to think about when you're coming from a dark environment that you never think of all that could have been. Waking up every day and feeling like crap so you lay back down, only going out at night cause why not? Sneaking off to see those people and doing stupid things. I didn't even consider them my friends, but you of course. 

I’m a screw-up. I’ve been told that the second I was born. At first, it hurt but then I got used to these endless words of destruction. I gave up. I did. When I met you and the old gang they too said I should cool down as I would project my negative aura toward them “normal” people.

It never mattered to you, did it? The trama I brought into your life, I wondered why you didn’t drop me as a friend like these others till you straight up told me it was lowkey refreshing to hear the perspective of a person who lived the total opposite life than you. Again I say I’m extremely thankful for your long-lasting support. 

To: Intrigued girl 

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Letter #12:                               8/12/2024          

I didn’t care about my grades but you always made sure I’d know the curriculum in the strangest way. You’d read a question out loud and proceed to solve it, all while talking about each step. You’d find the answer and then repeat your notes. My head would lay on my desk that was always next to yours, I would try to block your voice out but my head was filled with depressing stuff. Thank you, you were like my getaway driver in disguise. After you finished learning about a unit you would open your book, and read a question you already knew before asking the air (directing it toward me). I remember one time you were secretly concerned I'd fail my math quiz so you used this strategy. 

“Hmm… what’s the Pythagorean Theorem, I wonder?” you began.

“a squared + b squared = c squared.” I responded playing your little mind game.

“And what’s an example?”

“You know,” I spoke flustered as you caught on and smiled.

“Do I?” you sarcastically spoke.

“Sigh, 6 squared + 8 squared = c squared.” I’d given in.

“Or?” you weren’t going to stop once I spoke, were you?

“6 squared + 8 squared = x squared.” I uttered.

“Now what’s the answer?” you asked in teacher mode.

“What, no?!” I refused.

“Aw come on please?” you begged.

“Fine but I need something to write on.” I reached for your pencil but you slapped my hand away.

“No pencil, you are more than capable of solving this problem without writing it out.” Looking back, it was an easy problem but I didn’t tell you that.

“(teh)... 10 or -10” I actually didn’t know which one it was, math was confusing though I knew it was somewhat right.

“Good job,” you said patting my head.

“Shut up!” I was beat red for some reason, but which one was it?

2 days later I got an A on that stupid math test. Though I didn’t show it I was secretly glad I passed as I was embarrassed about how dumb I was. You knew that, I know you did yet you didn’t give up. This continued till my grade was a whopping B+. It was progress. I’m again thanking you for your tutoring sessions but now you want me to practice writing for my upcoming essay. Practice? What? You were excited about it as language arts was your favorite, so I promised myself I’d try hard. The essay is on a guy named Shakespeare- I’ve never heard of him but you seem to be fond of him. Off to the library to meet you and the cookies you bribed me with.

To: Mrs. Tutor

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Letter #26                               8/26/2024

Today I’m going to the bookstore. I’ve been getting into manga lately and I finally worked enough shifts to get volume 7 of Chainsaw Man. I found a copy of that same volume in your room once but I was a different person back then. I believe you told me I just had to get into the series HunterXHunter one time, you’d always look intrigued by a new book whenever I came over. 

I’m thinking of getting a job at the local Barnes & Noble but I’m unsure. What do you think? You always tell me I can be and do anything I want so maybe I’ll take a risk. 

Oh yeah, I got another A on my math quiz. This time it was on measurements and ratios. I was lost at first, then focused and worked out each problem till I was done. I have no one but you to thank for my grades. You make sure I’m not slacking- it keeps me on my toes. 

I talked to my sister today, she’s a big help when it comes to finding out something. She’ll literary find whatever you ask her in 1 minute- that might be an exaggeration but you get it right? 

I’m just waiting for my food to finish cooking then I gotta go. Just wondering how you're doing, I wish you well. I’ll come see you soon alright? Oh, my pot is boiling over a bit. I have to go now but I’m giving you all the credit for teaching me how to make chicken and mashed potatoes. It probably won’t be as good as anything you make though. Lol. Well, talk to you tomorrow.

To: Culinary Queen

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Letter #38                               9/7/2024              

Dark, cold, loud sounds of the rain coming down, me, sitting by my window which I had cracked open. It was a night I will not forget. The rain always reminds me of you. It’s surprising how I used to ignore it and see only the cons, but now I only see the pros. Every time it rained you would play The Cure and sit for hours on your balcony. You’d draw whatever you saw that day pretending you were in a movie. You tell me “It’s better than life.” and I’d wondered how a girl with that good of a life could be acting in this miserable way- soon I’d find out we were both the same. 

Now I sit and draw, listening to The Cure thinking about everything- things I can control, and of course, the things I can’t control. I've begun to live alongside the rain, believing I can escape from all my worries. It’s helping my mindset and myself as a person. Relaxing is easy now that I’ve felt it, yet I wouldn’t have known the rain without you introducing me. So thank you, thank you.

Watching the sky cry, how poetic- a power I don’t possess. Well, all I can do is take it one step at a time right?

To: Pluviophile

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Letter #51                               9/20/2024                  

I know I just saw you yesterday but you said I should try writing whenever I’m stressed or upset. If I’m being honest I am going through a period where I need help. You're helping a lot by the way, it’s just It feels like I’m suffocating. It feels as if I’m trapped under a rock that holds all my memories- there standing while mocking the person I am now. I’m trying to be strong and to cheer up, to think of the good so those thoughts leave. It’s too much, I can’t breathe sometimes. I wanna cry so bad. I just need you.

Sorry I’m being dramatic, I have a better life now- I know I do though it’s easy to fall out of the positive and enter the dark side. It’s an episode of depression, yes I still have it. Don’t be mad, please don't be mad. You said I should get help but I’m such a coward I can’t. Maybe I should…

To: Personal therapist 

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Letter #55                               9/24/2024

I just got back from your place. I’m sorry. I just poured out all my feelings and you listened. You said it was ok for me to feel those emotions. You calmed me down and we had tea, I stayed there till I ran tired. Coming home I reflected on all your guidance. You said I should try to find something that makes me happy, something I can do when I feel another episode coming on. So I did- well I’m trying. I stopped by the music store on my way home from work, walked around, bought a grand piano that comes on Thursday, and then went home. 

All my actions were done on impulse, yet I have no regrets. I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to come my way for so long- here it is. Maybe you can listen to me play once it’s here and I learn a song. 

I must thank you for sticking by me. I seem to have a different emotion every day, I hope you're not sick of me. Every time I worry about life or the small things I think of if I should talk to you about them. The first thing I wanna do is tell you but I don’t wanna be a burden. I worried I’d overstep a line- then again, you always remind me that there aren't and will never be any boundaries between us. 

You are the kindest person I’ve ever met, thank you. You're truly the only person I can talk to. You're the best. I should be fine now so thanks for being there. I promise to come to you if this happens again. It’s late, I should sleep.

To: Listener

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Letter #61                                9/30/2024

Sometimes I think of how I used to live. I sit and laugh as I was a replica of Shawn Hunter from Boy Meets World. It’s hilarious to me that I went through a whole bad-boy montage when I was younger. A feisty daredevil I was. Were you wondering if I was ok? From the rest of the group I was shown to be the craziest, that’s partially why I was asked to leave. I didn’t hold it against them I thought they couldn’t match up to me anyway. Yes, I was extremely cocky. 

I looked at them as fakes. Why could they do all that they did but then go home as soon as their mommy's said “dinner”? They weren’t equal to me, I was better. I didn’t have anyone who would take a break on a bench with me, someone to reflect on the money we hustled, I was alone. That’s when the group decided to meet up with some friends. First of all, they weren’t even close to the person I was, they were soft- all of them. 

The dumb jokes they made, the childish activities, and the rich food they had. I was done, I got up to leave but was stopped by a tug on my jacket and a “You mind if I come along?” As I turned around I noticed you- the girl sitting alone at the table next to me downing an orange juice. It was the first time we met- we were strangers, never the less you came up to me. A meeting I could not forget, thank you for doing something so trivial yet significant. 

A real lifesaver you are.

To: The girl who smelled like citrus

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Letter #66                               10/5/2024       

My favorite memory of us is that time you invited me over to your place and we played with LEGOS. It was a night like no other in my household, where again I was getting yelled at. This time I did do what I was accused of but that's not the point. What’s important is how it was nothing to fuss over, I only refused to do something for my spoiled sister and she cried as my mom pulled into the driveway. It was bothersome so when the beating was finished I dipped. 

Unlike some kids, I always walked and never ran from home for I knew my family wasn’t going to come after me. I guess it was a privilege, I could leave with no parent calling out to stay. This time I walked to the convince store, I needed some rubbing alcohol for my wounds. When I walked in I saw you. I didn’t know why I felt like telling you what happened. Sure we hung out a few other times after our first meeting but I felt like a metal object being pulled by a magnet. 

You took one look at me and said: “You wanna come over for dinner?” It took some convincing before I said yes till we were entering your house. It was just you, your mom and dad who was never there. Your mom welcomed me in without question, she sat me down and I had the best meal I’ve ever had… the family meal I never had. I got to know your mom, that wonderful woman. She was surprisingly comfortable letting me in her daughter's room. 

As I toured the room I accidentally kicked over a big yellow box shaped weirdly. I apologized and then asked what it was, you told me they were LEGOS. You stood there confused when I remarked how I’d never heard of them before. You were concerned for my well-being after dumping the whole box on the floor and asking me to sit. 

Long story short we sat, made many different LEGO sculptures, and ended up talking. To be so connected to another, what a gift. I spoke of everything I endured, you did the same. You showed me just because you have a somewhat good life doesn’t mean you don’t have struggles. For the first time, I felt pity for someone else, we shared feelings we both thought were unnecessary to feel. By the end of the night, we bonded completely. Before I knew it the sky was up. I had to go.

I put my shoes on and silence filled the room. My heart felt like jumping out of my chest, your arms were around me. I could see the blush form around your face as you looked up at me speaking: 

“Is it ok If I think of tonight as a date?” A date made of nonstop talking and playing with LEGOS, I thought. I didn’t realize. 

“Yes,” I answered so quickly.

“Really?” You were a bit astonished.

“Hell yeah.” I hugged you back tight, I too was blushing.

We stayed in an everlasting hug for 5 minutes. We let go and I opened the door.

“Bye.” You sounded so loving.

That sentence was my breaking point. I didn’t know if this was ok, I just knew the rush of adrenaline was running through my veins. I didn’t say it back, instead, I turned around and kissed you leaving you as red an apple. It was the best night of my life, thank you for giving me it.

To: Kanojo

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Letter #76                               10/15/2024

It’s already been a year since huh? On the other hand, it’s only been a few months since I picked up writing these letters. Wow, how nostalgic. 

At first, I wanted to rot in a hole and die, but now I’m better. Don’t get me wrong I still feel dead inside, how could I not? Though as days moved on I heard the screams you so intently yelled toward me. I had to get up, pull myself together, and live. You always told me never to lose positivity over sapping sad stuff, so I pushed through. I chose these letters as a way to stay optimistic but ended up using them as an excuse to ignore it with everything else. 

I’m sorry, so sorry. If I’m being honest I cry every day and after every letter. My thoughts are filled with the memories I’ve held dear, I wanna explode and meet with you every day. It’s like my flesh has been ripped apart while still being poked at causing more damage. I can’t breathe, it feels as if I’m drowning underwater calling for help, but no one is coming. The gilute of it all is too much. 

As I’m feeling so much grief you're here- making me better without even doing anything. You showed me so many things, so many lifestyles, and different ways to view the world- to view my existence. You're my best friend, you do everything a best friend is supposed to do. You are my better half, the only one for me. The gratitude I have for you is infinite for you never once left my side. You are such an inspiration to me and my bad deeds that it hurts knowing it’s all over now.

Let me express how much I love you no matter where you are. I’ll come to see you regularly like I always do, and when the universe calls my name we’ll never be apart. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you. But don’t worry I’m coming over after I pick up some fresh flowers- pink roses, your favorite. Oh, and I need to get water, the person next to you’s family gave me a vase saying it looked better and a lot cleaner next to your epitaph.

Well, I have to go before the store the fresh flowers are all gone. See you soon. 

To: My Darling