Holy Wind

The letter from my oncologist said, “Her cancer is not curable and there is a significant possibility she could die from her cancer or related complications within the next 6 months.” That’s what I was reflecting on when the nurse approached me in the waiting room asking me to follow her. You see, I’d sought a second opinion and the new oncologist approved the chemotherapy orders for today’s infusion. I've got a new oncologist, a new cancer center, and a new nurse. I was scared. The nurse led me through the tiled white floors, under the bright white fluorescent lighting, in a room the size of a huge office space. I passed by rows and rows of IV poles and chairs that seated sick people, bald people, these people like me trying not to die from a disease they can’t control. I recalled taking my youngest son to his cardiology appointments at Children’s Hospital. I would see small children with cancer and my first thought was empathy. I was led to pray for them. Yet, when I saw these sick adults today corralled like cattle, my reaction was to run! I thought, I don’t want to die, but I don’t want this to be my life. Anxiety filled me from head to toe, and my sympathetic nervous system had the fight or flight response raring in full gear. My vital signs were taken and my blood pressure was 169/110. I was angry and irritable but that changed once I looked out the window at a tree. The tree was swaying in the wind. It reminded me of the many gentle breezes of kisses I’ve been given upon my cheeks from the greatest love I’ve ever known.

As children of elementary school age, my brother and I were on winter break. I recall us watching out of our dining room window, to what the local newspaper would report to be “The Great Dust Storm of 1977.” The article said, “It began on Monday evening and ended Thursday afternoon. It approached terrifyingly, it was like a tornado without the spinning vortex, and it came like a Tsunami from over Bear Mountain, a tidal wave of dirt over 5000 feet. It paralyzed Bakersfield, California for a week and left 5 people dead. It was estimated that the wind gusts reached 192 mph, enough to strip 24 million tons of soil and fill 1.6 million standard dump trucks. The wind was greater than a category 5 hurricane or the average 158 mph tornado.” My mom later explained because of the damage we had to get another roof put on which insurance paid for. 

As the three of us my mother, brother, and I were standing at the dining room window facing the front lawn, visibility was precarious. I could sometimes make out the tall palm tree at our neighbors house across the street. The tree bending and the leaves completely swept to a horizontal position. There were moments in the middle of the day that the dust storm created a brown darkness as if it were night. This, compounded with the fact that we had lost our electricity, gave us an ominous feeling. While we watched the sand storm my mom began to talk to us about the Lord. The conversation was meant to calm us so we wouldn’t be scared. This was my first real experience of how strong wind can be. My mom talked about how God created the wind and it's He who controls it. I wasn’t scared, I was in awe.

At 15 my parents had long since divorced and my mom’s boyfriend had bought a house for my mom, brother and I to live in. The 3 bedroom home was on a large piece of property, with about 100 feet of front lawn that my bedroom window looked out upon. I was homeschooling at the time and I found myself finished with my work early so I would read. I had read a small, thin book entitled “Like a Mighty Wind” by Mel Tari. It entailed the island of Timor, Indonesia and its similar Pentecost day, referenced in the New Testament Bible, when the Holy Spirit descends from heaven upon the people. My brother and I were both captivated by the stories of faith and how to strengthen or acquire it. The following book written by Mel Tari “Gentle Breeze of Jesus'' expressed instructions on receiving the Holy Spirit’s gift of tongues. I prayed to God that if it be His will may I please have this gift. “If only to bring me closer to you,” I asked. This wasn’t my first request to ask for the gift of tongues, on the contrary, I’d asked a couple of times before. Early childhood when my brother was 5 and I was 4, my mom sat with us on the living room couch and told us when we said our prayers tonight we could ask Jesus into our hearts. At 4am the next morning I was awakened by my brother crying in the arms of my mom, he said, “He came mom, he came.” He had gone to bed and said his prayers asking Jesus to come into his heart and was awakened with the gift of tongues. I stood in the doorway jealous of the affections and comfort my mom was giving my brother. I ran and quickly jumped into bed and asked the Lord to come into my heart. When my mom entered my room I told her “I asked, but nothing happened.” She said, because I asked then I’ve received. But why didn’t I feel anything, why couldn’t I speak that way? 

A few years later my mom had arranged for my brother and I to be picked up by the Sunday school bus. I was willing to go because I was promised hot chocolate and cookies. When we arrived we made our way past the big church. There through the windows I could see people with outstretched hands to the ceiling, speaking different languages. I wanted that! I prayed for it and again, I didn’t get it.

At age 11, my uncle was the worship leader at the church. He used to come to the house to play his acoustic guitar and sing a couple of worship songs, with my brother and I on our front lawn. One day, he told me I was going to a church retreat with him. When we arrived, I saw that they too had a big church and inside were people speaking in tongues with outstretched hands. I excused myself to the restroom. I was envious of these church people. All the attention was drawn to them for how they were speaking. So, with the entire wrong motive, I prayed for the gift of tongues again and yet again, I didn’t get it. 

Now, here I was 15 years old, sitting on my bed looking out the window to the front lawn. There stood a single young tree with the pink ribbon still attached from the garden nursery. I watched as the sapling began to sway. Yet, everything around it, the flowers and weeds remained still. Only the young tree's branches swayed and its leaves began to beckon me. In my heart I knew the presence of the Lord was there. I ran into the backyard and walked into the shallow end of the pool. I lifted my arms up to the sky and began thanking Him and praising Him. As I spoke the words out loud I could hear myself speaking in tongues. My mind was saying “Thank you Lord, praise you Lord,” but my mouth was saying something different. Aware I’d been given an answered prayer, it immediately strengthened my faith. He’s real I thought, and exclaimed, “Your real Lord!” I began to cry and I continued to thank and praise Him with my mind while speaking in tongues to the wind. No one was witness to it. My intentions were to know Him more. It was a prayer language between Him and I. It was a cleansing, like a washing of my soul and it enveloped my heart. When some time had passed I walked out of the pool, dried myself off and went into the house in an attempt to call someone. I wanted to tell anyone who would listen just what happened to me, but no one answered. It was as if the Lord was to say, “This is meant for you and me Michelle.” “Ok, Lord,” I said, and I made my way out to the pool walking onto the end of the diving board. This time the gentle breeze blew upon me. I began receiving these kisses upon my cheeks from God. “Just you and me Lord, thank you, I love you, and I know you love me.” I was experiencing my first love which would be the greatest love of my lifetime.

Another encounter I had with the wind was a demonstration of God’s power, I was 18. I would spend my mornings reading my bible, sitting on the sand at Huntington Beach. While facing the ocean as the waves rolled in, I would feel the peace of God while reflecting on the scripture I’d just randomly picked to read. You know, when you open up your bible and let the pages fall where they may. Suddenly, the wind picked up and I had to place my hands down upon the sand to remain seated upright, my hair blowing hard with the wind. I’d watched the calm of the ocean become stronger and the height of the waves become higher. The ocean became agitated miles out and there were no boats in sight. It was overcast with the morning fog still in place and the sky and the ocean grew dark. I recalled the scripture I’d just read Psalm 24:1-2 The earth is the Lords, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; 2 for He founded it on the seas and established it on the waters. Wow, how prophetic today’s reading was and I thought that’s how personal my Lord is. “Yes, Lord you are the creator of the heavens and the earth and everything in it, how mighty you are!” I began to sing to the wind “My God is an awesome God, He reigns from Heaven above, with wisdom, power, and love my God is an awesome God!”  

Staring out the cancer center window to the tree swaying in the wind, I said, “You’re here with me now aren’t you. I’m not alone; I don’t need to be scared. These people aren’t here to harm me but to help me. I’m going to be ok. Death cannot touch me. You conquered death, and so now because I believe in you, I follow you, you’re the love of my life, I too will not die, and I will live on!” I settled into the chair with the warm blanket provided for me by the nurse. I took a sip of hot tea. I heard the IV pole alarms periodically go off, notifying the assigned nurse to attend to a patient's empty I.V. bag. Looking around the room, I began to notice the faces of the others receiving treatment. I closed my eyes to pray. “Heavenly Father please help them come to know you in a personal and loving way, and that they too may know the greatest love which will last forever, amen!” Amen means let this be so, and I truly wanted for every person on that cancer clinic floor, nurses included, to know Him and to be given that peace. My IV pole alarm begins to beep notifying my nurse I’ve completed the saline flush from the chemo. My vitals were taken again and my blood pressure now read 124/80, that’s miraculous!

There are a lot of miraculous things that come with being given a cancer diagnosis and a terminal illness letter. The cancer diagnosis motivated me to do research on the prescriptions I was taking for high blood pressure, Type 2 Diabetes, anxiety meds etc. and I found that 18 of the 22 prescriptions were cancer causing. I’d never bothered to read the small print on the papers the pharmacist provides you with your prescription. I now sought natural supplements and therapies that treat the cause of my health problems. Aside from cancer, I've become the healthiest I've ever been in years!

The terminal letter giving me 6 months spurred other miracles that came. The best miracle is that I’ve lived past the 6 months! With the new chemotherapy I’m taking in writing this, the cancer has declined to almost remission. The terminal letter helped me to commit to living one day at a time. It’s a lesson I was taught a while ago but never really enacted until the diagnosis. Before, I was always living in shame or guilt of my past, chronic stress in my present and fear of the future. Today, I awaken thanking my Lord for the breath of life, then I kneel and surrender by reciting the A.A. third step prayer “God, I offer myself to Thee — to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help with Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!” I then say the Lord’s prayer with my sons. During the day I will say the serenity prayer, “God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right If I surrender to His Will; So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever and ever in the next. Amen.” 

Today, I live a spiritual way of life as much as a fallible human being can. There are times I get scared. There are times I forget to pray or I forget that I’m alive today for a purpose. Mostly, there are times I forget that I am loved. Thankfully, it’s in the reminders that I’m given from the Holy Spirit that takes me back to that spiritual living. Like when I see from the window the Holy wind in the trees. Like today's experience, when stepping out of the cancer center, I feel the gentle breeze of Jesus’ kisses upon my cheeks. I’m also especially spiritually minded and not afraid, when I remember the song my uncle used to play and sing on our front lawn many years ago. The song of my greatest love-

Holy wind, my closest friend, fill me with your light

And Lamb of God my one true love

Prepare me to be your bride

Father have mercy

Shelter me with your wings

Until you receive me in Glory

When you come again