Just the Beginning

The thought of having to do and say something that I thought in a million years would never happen to me, finally became my destiny. This was a word that neither one of us had planned to come tumbling from our tongues. With a twisted feeling within my stomach, a dry throat, and a faint feeling, I reluctantly let the most devastating word escape my mouth in a whisper: “Goodbye.” Imagine the heartache and pain you feel when the person who you once thought was your soulmate was now someone who would become another stranger within this hectic and manipulating world that we live in.

Before I continue, let me take you back to the days before the most devastating day of my life; the days that contained the confusion, misinterpretation, and agony that led to this deceitful decision to end such a wondrous relationship. The days, which seemed like seconds, changed everything forever; who knew that what once represented eternity, would now become the representation of transitoriness. If I could choose one object that symbolized this moment of my life, it would be an azalea. Why an azalea? Let me explain. To the people observing from the outside, we were beautiful together; the dynamic of our relationship showed through the colorful aura that cultivated within us. Just like the colors of the azalea, our hearts radiated with the aura colors of white, pink, purple, orange, red, and yellow. Yet, what they could not see, because it was overpowered, was the black aura that was forming within the brain; what they, as well as we, failed to realize was how much power the brain had. We did not know that this power would soon transform the essence of beauty into ugliness, corruption, and toxicity; toxicity, an azalea’s characteristic, that is most of the time unknown or forgotten.

Back to the story! My boyfriend and I had been blessed to experience a relationship unlike so many of today’s millennial relationships; we started dating back in high school and were still doing wonderful. Twelve years to be exact. See I wasn’t like all the other girls of my generation. I didn’t see marriage as a necessity; and, I made sure that as our love grew, I made this perfectly clear for my love. He understood my past and the things that encouraged this weird, kind of irrational, decision; and, I understood his feelings toward the situation. We vowed that if feelings ever changed that we would always keep it honest and communicate. However, during this time of quick transition, we didn’t realize that we wouldn’t have the amount of time that we once had predicted. We didn’t realize that things were about to spiral so quickly that our lives would literally be changed within a blink of the eye. We were definitely not prepared for what had been determined to be our destiny!

It was a normal Saturday; however, truly, it wasn’t normal to me. I didn’t realize that this Saturday was the Saturday that was going to change my life forever; I didn’t realize that this Saturday was the Saturday that was going to change OUR lives forever. This horrific Saturday was also the day that marked the ten-year anniversary of our high school graduation.

We finally reached our destination; and, we were so eager to see the people with whom we had grown up with. We finally made it to the place that we once called home; the place that contained all our family, friends, and memories. The place that shaped us into the people we were today. See after graduation, we decided to uproot ourselves and move to the other side of the country. We decided to make home in an area where we knew no one. We had no friends or family, only each other. At first, this decision was tough; however, we quickly realized that for our relationship, this move was much needed. We needed to learn to love without the influence of others; we needed to learn to love because of the desire within each other. We needed to learn to live and create a life for ourselves!

Let’s transition back to that horrific Saturday! We finally reached our destination; and, we made it just in time to reunite with our classmates at the local bar. I told my love that I did not want to go because I knew that it was going to be a waste of my time; but truly, I did not want to go because I did not know what this weekend would have in store for my boyfriend or for me. And, the feeling of walking into an unknown destiny has always frightened me. As we got out of the car and walked into the bar, questions started to randomly pop into my brain: who was going to be in there; what were people going to think about me, about him, about us; would we be seen as outsiders now and they treat us awkwardly; would everyone look the same, behave the same, and think the same; and finally, would this be an experience to remember because of the happiness or regret? We walked up to the entrance doors, went inside, and stood at the hostess’ booth. As we were waiting, I heard a very distinctive and familiar voice!

“Hello Sam! It’s been a minute!” The words that flowed from his mouth sent chills throughout my body and awoke every nerve within me. I slowly turned and there he was, Malcolm. Even though my body was there in the restaurant, my mind had escaped and transcended the limit of my body into a world of unknown and lust. I was taken back to the time of my life when I was head over heels in love with Malcolm; the time where I experienced love for the very first time. This season of my life was full of firsts: first feeling of lust, first feeling of love, first feeling of true happiness, first feeling of euphoria, the first feeling of forever hope, and last but not least, the first feeling of serenity! As my mind traveled through time, I couldn’t help but to want to stay in this feeling forever. However, I knew that this couldn’t be!

Before, I knew it, my mind returned to my body and there I was standing in the bar again, blankly staring at Malcolm while holding the hand of my current lover, Chad. Without knowing how much time had elapsed, I quickly responded, “Hey Malcolm. Long time no see!” He then realized that he had not acknowledged Chad; “Hey Chad! It’s good to see you too bro!” Chad, naive to the entire situation, responded with a, “What’s up! It’s good to see you too!” Trying not to showcase the emotions running through my mind, soul, and body, I stood there smiling and looking back from Chad to Malcolm and vice versa.

The hostess finally arrived and escorted us to the party room where the rest of the classmates gathered. As Chad and I entered the room, I couldn’t help but to catch myself sneakily glimpsing at Malcolm across the room. As I stared, my mind continued to wander between reality and what could have been. Before I realized it, my mind completely left my current situation and totally submerged into the life of what could have been.

          As my empty body stood there in the midst of all my classmates, my mind and soul were situated on the beaches of Hawaii. There on the beach, I am relaxing with my husband, Malcolm, and our children. Happiness surrounds us; nothing could possibly spoil this experience for my family. Laughter fills my ears and smiles continuously flash across my eyesight. Everything is perfect. While lounging in our beach chairs, Malcolm pulls me close and kisses my cheek. He leans back and admires the wonder, me, that has been granted to him. With the softest, sexiest voice he asks, “Who would have ever thought that we would have lasted this long? Who would have ever thought that we were destined for greatness? Who would have known that our future would be so bright with each other?” I smile and respond, “We did!” This time instead of kissing me on my cheek, he reached in, grabbed me, and pulled me in for the most romantic kiss ever! As I settle back in my beach chair, I once again hear laughter surround me; and, I constantly see smiling faces.

          “Sam; did you hear what I said?” I was quickly yanked back into reality; and, I noticed that Chad was looking at me confused. I asked for him to repeat what he had just said. He looked at me in an aggravated way and said, “I am about to make a toast for our classmates.” This was very unordinary because Chad didn’t like speaking in front of crowds; but, I was certainly eager to hear what he was going to say to his peers. He nervously cleared his throat. “Excuse me everyone! Excuse me! I would like to say that this has been a true blessing. Since moving, Sam and I have not seen a lot of you; and, I am so glad that we were able to make it tonight. I would like to thank our class president and vice president for creating such a wonderful moment for us all. Tonight will be a night that none of us will ever forget!” Raising his glass towards his mouth, he shouted, “Cheers!” Our classmates chimed in as well. Just when I was about to enter back into my “could have been” life, Chad gets down on one knee and looks up at me. With a very loud and serious voice he continues, “Sam you are the one that I have loved forever. I knew that when I met you, you were the one. I know that with you by my side, I am destined for greatness and my future seems oh so bright. With that being said, Sam, will you be my wife?”

          I was so shocked and kind of disappointed. My great escape back into my mind was paused. With all eyes on me, I did what I thought needed to be done. I looked down at Chad on his bended knee and replied, “Of course!” He was so excited! He jumped up, picked me up, and spun me around. Everyone cheered and applauded.

          As the night progressed, our classmates continuously approached us and congratulated us. As we were standing there, out of the crowd emerged Malcolm. As I gazed at his amazing face and body moving through the crowd, I began to feel weak and nervous. When he finally reached us, he started his congratulatory message by saying, “Congratulations you two!” Now, the rest of his congratulatory message I did not hear because once again, I had slipped in the “could have been” dream I was having.

          Once again, on the beaches of Hawaii everything continued to be perfect. The sun felt so good against my face; and, Malcolm’s body felt so good against mine as he held me close. Even with everything being perfect, I started to notice that I wasn’t really focusing like I was before. I started to notice that things started to seem blurred and unclear. I felt myself panicking! As I looked out at the horizon, I noticed that dark clouds started to head my way. That was when I realized that this was a temporary fantasy that was soon about to end. With a twisted feeling within my stomach, a dry throat, and a faint feeling, I reluctantly let the most devastating words escape my mouth in a whisper: “Goodbye Malcolm.” The look he gave me, made me realize that he didn’t understand what was happening; but, I knew exactly what was going on. With my last breath, I kissed my first true love.

          There I was, once again in the party room of the bar, standing amongst the people who I called classmates; standing right in front of the man who I had just kissed in my dreams. I was able to reenter the conversation; and, just as I was reentering, Malcolm stated, “I hope you two have the life that you both deserve. Once again, Congratulations!” I replied, “Thank you so much!” He ended the conversation, turned, and headed back to the other side of the party room. Imagine the person who you once thought was your soulmate was now someone who would become another stranger within this hectic and manipulating world that we live in.

          The night finally came to end. Chad and I said our goodbyes and headed out the door. As we crossed the parking lot, heading to the car, Chad grabbed and kissed me. After the most romantic kiss, he titled my head up towards the oh so clear sky. He said, “Sam, look at the stars and the moon; look at how the sky seems to go on forever and ever. This reminds me of us. Our love is limitless.” Smiling at me with the biggest, sexiest smile I had ever seen, he whispered, “This is just the beginning….”